Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 5

I keep on fallin’ In and out of love With you

Sometimes I love ya Sometimes you make me blue Sometimes I feel good

At times I feel used Lovin’ you darlin’

Makes me so confused…

P’Jane, seriously… You’re so mean. If you do stuff like this and don’t actually feel anything, I’m going to be seriously pissed!

Argh!

“Whoa, Jane! Where’d that power come from? The ball is still spinning in the net. You think you’re Captain Tsubasa or something?” “I’m just… stressed, I guess.”

“Keep it steady, man. There’s no point in just using brute force. Focus on technique,” Mix lectured as usual. I nodded and went to the sidelines for a water break. While drinking, I couldn’t stop obsessing over what happened in AbnormaI Psych class yesterday. Even though a whole day had passed, I kept thinking about it. Before I knew it, I was rubbing my own head with my left hand-it was crazy. It felt like I was trying to reinforce the memory of his touch. Ugh, why am I like this? I don’t get it, I don’t get it! I went back to playing football with the guys. Even when we don’t have a match, we usually meet up every evening as a routine. Afterward, we’d grab dinner and hang out. If it got too late, I’d crash at Gap’s dorm. My mom and dad never complained since I’m a guy-but if it were my little sister, Jean? Just going to the mall with friends earns her an interrogation like she’s a criminal suspect. Well, to be fair, she’s only in 9th grade; she’s at a turning point in her life.

“What are we eating?” “How about Je Ooy’s place in front of the uni?” “Alright, let’s go.” My football crew chatted as we headed out in a big group. Once the food arrived, we inhaled it like starving wolves as usual. Since there was no “night out” planned for tonight, we prepared to split up.

“You sleeping at my place? You’ve got an early class tomorrow,” Gap asked . “Nah, I think I’ll head home.

It’s only a bit past 8: 00 PM.” “Okay, see ya then. I’m out.

[Into his phone]

Hello, Mom? Yeah, I’m walking back to the dorm now.” “Bye, man.”

“Bye, Jane. See you tomorrow morning.” I walked along the path in front of the university toward the taxi stand, hoping I wouldn’t have to wait long. I really don’t like being alone like this. Plus, it was that awkward time of evening-not too late, but not bright out either. Everywhere I looked, I saw student couples. Man, the loneliness really started to hit me. When I was walking with Gap, I was fine, but the second I was alone… ugh, so lonely. Beep! Beep! I heard a faint honk from my right, but I didn’t pay attention, knowing it couldn’t be for me. I was on the sidewalk, not doing anything wrong. Beep-beep! Honk! Honk! Who is this person honking at?! Finally, annoyed by the persistent noise, I couldn’t help but turn around.

“And where might this young man be heading?”” “P’Jane?” I blurted out his name as he rolled down the passenger-side window, greeting me with a smile. Suddenly, it felt like my heart had inflated until it filled my entire chest. “Coming up?”

“P’Jane… why are you here?”

“Come on, hurry. Traffic is starting to back up.” “I’m coming! I’m coming!” I grinned wide and hopped into the car immediately. Even though I had planned to go straight home, the moment P’Jane invited me, I was in.

“Is this your car? It wasn’t this one last time.” I noted this once I got a good look. I’d ridden with him once before for our project. That time it was a blue BMW, but today it was a black Mercedes. Regardless of the car, one thing remained the same: the scent. His perfume was lightly embedded in the upholstery-a scent so “him” that it felt like it had been designed for him alone.

“It’s mine. I just rotate them.”

“You must be seriously rich. Interested in sharing some with Nong Jane? I’ll take a leftover car, please.” He gave a soft, breathy laugh as he adjusted the rearview mirror with his left hand.” Why are you dressed like that?”

“Oh, Ihaven’t showered yet. Just finished playing football with friends.”

“Are you heading home? Have you eaten? I’m starving. Want to go grab dinner together?”

“Sure! I’m really hungry.” I lied through my teeth. I was actually shocked at myself the moment the words left my mouth. Why did I lie? Unless… I just wanted to be with P’Jane a little longer. The hypothesis forming in my mind startled me even more, but l shook it off and kept the conversation going.

“So where have you been, P’Jane? Why haven’t you eaten yet? You finished at 2: 00 PM today, you should’ve been free.”

“Had a few things to do, and it turned into a long ordeal.” “Whoa, that busy? From 2: 00 PM to 8: 00 PM?” He didn’t answer directly, only offering a small smile.” What kind of business was it, P’?” “Just general stuff. I just got back to the uni area and happened to see a certain kid wandering around.” “Hehe.”

“Anything special you want to eat?”

“Whatever you want, P’.” Honestly, I’m just happy to be here… ” Let’s hitthis place, then.” P’Jane pointed at Je Ooy’s place and swerved into an alley to find parking. I, meanwhile, was paralyzed with panic.

“Nong Jane, get out.””… ”

“Nong Jane? Is something wrong?”” N-no! Coming, coming!” We walked out of the alley toward the restaurant together.” Nong Jane, watch out for the bike!” P’Jane grabbed me just in time before a speeding motorcycle zooming out of the alley could hit me. I stammered out a thank you, still shaken. Being this close to him, I breathed in his scent so deeply my heart started racing uncontrollably. He let go of my arm and muttered, “Where are those guys rushing off to die?” “I agree… ”

“Walk on the inside. You’re not very careful.”

“Yes, sir.” P’Jane nudged me to the inner side of the sidewalk while he took the outer side. Finally, we reached the restaurant. P’Jane slid the door open and stepped in, but he stopped when I tugged on his student shirt.

“Nong Jane?” He raised an eyebrow. “Is something up?”“ Well… ” “What is it?” We stood awkwardly at the entrance. I felt like I had “water in my mouth”-I wanted to tell him l’d just eaten there, but the words wouldn’t come out. I was afraid he’d be confused, afraid he wouldn’t understand why I lied in the fist place. And if he asked why… what would I even say?

“It’s just… ” “Hmm? Go on.” “I… ” “Oh! The kid who was just here with his friends! Did you forget something?” Je Ooy herself called out, completely exposing me.

“I just ate here a second ago!” I blurted out, sounding like I was about to cry. Silence followed. I kept my head down, not daring to look up, though my hand was still gripping his shirt. Eventually, P’Jane closed the door and stepped back out. “Oh, so you’ve already eaten?” “Yes… ” Ugh, is he going to ask why I said I hadn’t? Why did I lie? Don’t ask, please don’t ask! “Then why did you say you hadn’t?” There it is! Noooo!

“Well, it’s fine. Want some dessert instead?” “Huh? But aren’t you hungry, P’Jane?” I looked up at him, puzzled. He’d said he was starving. Was he going to skip dinner because of me? He smiled.

“Dessert is fine. Let’s go.”

“You can still eat, P’. I’ll sit with you. I just can’t handle another meal.” “It’s okay. Let’s have dessert so we can eat together. What should we get?”“ Really?” “Really. Bingsu?”“ Yes!” My voice brightened immediately, and we walked to a dessert cafe together. This place served real food too, so after we ordered bingsu, I ordered a special plate of Crispy Pork Basil for him and asked them to serve it before the dessert. P’Jane raised an eyebrow again. “Didn’t you already eat?”

“It’s not for me. I ordered it for you.”

“For me?”

“Well, you haven’t eaten since 2: 00 PM, right? Don’t just cater to me. Eat up. I’m treating you.” He smiled again and reached out to stroke my hair.

The warmth from his hand sent a glow through my whole body. I couldn’t say anything, so I just stayed quiet and let him keep petting me until the food arrived. P’Jane pulled the plate toward him.

“Thanks, Nong Jane. I’ll finish every bite.”

“Eat up! What do you usually like to order? I couldn’t think of anything else, so I just got basil-it’s the standard.”

“I can eat anything. But if you order basil next time, make it crispy pork.” “You like the same thing as me! I love crispy pork basil with a runny fried egg.” He nodded with a smile and began to eat. Lately, I was getting used to his smiles. He was someone who smiled a lot, and he had so many versions: the normal smile, the smirk, the “smiling with his eyes” version, the “mouth smiles but eyes don’t” version, and even the mocking one. But usually, his most frequent one was a small, harmless-looking smile. I thought back to the other day in class when he turned around to hand me a handout and smiled. That moment felt like slow motion in my head. I really love the curve of his lips when he smiles… ” Is there something on my face?”

“N-no! Why do you ask?”

“I saw you resting your chin on your hands, staring at me for a while. Thought I had something on me.” “Oh, nothing! Whoa! Are you done already? That was fast. I believe you now-you really were hungry.” I think he finished that entire plate in less than seven minutes. P’Jane grabbed a tissue and wiped his mouth.

“A little. Shall we have the bingsu now? I’ll call them over.” “Okay.” P’Jane handed me a long spoon for the bingsu, and we sat there eating and talking. The topics ranged all over until he asked about football.

“Why do you like football?”

“Is that weird? Don’t all guys like it?”

“I’m pretty indifferent to it.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. So, which team do you support?”” Liverpool!” I raised both arms, pointing up. P’Jane laughed. “I get it. Quiet down! People are staring.”

“I’m just passionate!” Suddenly, P’Jane’s phone on the table rang. He glanced at the screen and silenced it before turning back to me.

“Do you have any more matches coming up?” “I don’t know, P’. Depends on if anyone challenges us. But even if they don’t, we play all the time anyway.”

“That’s good. Good exercise.” Rrrr Rrrr This time, instead of just silencing the call, P’Jane hit “decline” and flipped the phone face down. The look on his face when he hung up gave me a strange chill before he went back to being the same smiling guy. He took a bite of bingsu, eating slowly and elegantly.

“How is it? Do you like this flavor?”

“It’s good. Why?” “I just saw you eating in silence, so l figured I’d ask.” “Oh, it’s great,” he smiled. “I’m an easy eater.” “I can see that.” “But you seem like an easy eater too, Nong Jane.” “Very easy. I can eat anything on earth. I’m a simple person.”“ Are you ‘easy’ with your heart too?” Hey, that’s totally unrelated! He laughed when he saw me glare at him. Man, he’s good at twisting things.

“Does your family mind you being out late like this?” P’Jane asked as our bingsu began to dwindle. I shook my head.

“Not really. They’ll message me if it’s past 10: 00 PM, but since I’m a guy, they don’t get too paranoid. What about you, P’Jane?”

“I live alone right now, so no one checks up on me.” “Oh, you live in a dorm?”

“Something like that.” He gave a thin smile. “Though I still get check-in calls.” “Do you have siblings?”

“None. Only child. You?” “I’ve got two-a brother and a sister. My brother is in 11th grade and my sister is in 8th. Let’s just say if it were my sister sitting here eating bingsu like this, her phone would be ringing non-stop.” P’Jane laughed softly at mystory. We talked about how gender often correlates with parental worry-an undeniable fact. A smile spread across his face.

“You seem close to your family. I can tell from how you talk about them.” “We are. It’s good. We’re a warm family.” “Hmm… ” “And you, P’Jane?” He just gave another thin smile. “Oh, it’s normal. Pretty average.” “Nong Jane.” “Yes?” “Do you have a dream? A desire for something?” Suddenly, P’Jane rested his chin on the hand not holding a spoon and asked that. I thought for a moment.

“WelI… I want to graduate in four years, I guess.”

“Not like that.” The tall man laughed softly, clearly amused by my innocence. The atmosphere shifted completely from our casual chat earlier.

“There has to be something… we’re only human, Nong Jane… ” He tilted his head slightly. The light from the shop hit one side of his face while the other remained in deep shadow. His beautiful dark eyes sparked. His gaze felt like an X-ray scanning my very soul-like a sharp blade peeling back layers of wood.

That smile was making my heart tremble as his curved lips spoke in a low voice: “Is there really nothing… nothing you desire to possess?” “Hmm?” Actually, maybe there is.

“What is it? Can you tell me, Jane?” I… I… The words I’d been trying to suppress slipped out before I could stop them.

“I want to be a writer… ” The dream I had tried to keep hidden and alone. He smiled even wider.” A writer?” I nodded, feeling my consciousness snap back a little. “Yeah. I love reading all kinds of novels, so… I thought I’d like to be one.”” And then what?”

“Well… if it happened, it’d be great. I’d be happy to achieve my childhood dream, even though it’s not an easy one. But if it doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. I’m not that amnbitious. I think whatever happens is for the best. If one day I’m meant to be a writer, it’ll happen.”

“Why are you looking at me like that, P’Jane?” I asked when I saw his handsome face turn solemn as if lost in thought. He looked at me with genuine surprise. He quickly recovered and smiled.

“Nothing. I’m just surprised you don’t struggle more for your dream. You’re not mad that I said that, right?”

“Not at all. I know myself. Right now, my priority is my studies. Other things can come second.”

“What if someone told you they could make you a famous writer?” His long fingers traced the rim of his glass as if casting a spell.” Explosive fame. Just like that.” Suddenly, the image of being a famous author-people lining up for my autograph at book fairs-flashed through my mind. It was clearer than it had ever been. His deep voice continued; it wasn’t a whisper, but it wasn’t a normal speaking volume either. it sounded like a myth being told from far away…

“The day your book becomes a bestseller-what we call ‘selling like water pouring’ in Thai. Everyone would scramble to find you, fighting to interview the great writer of the era. You wouldn’t have to be an office worker like everyone else, starting at 8: 00 AM and leaving at 5: 00 PM. You’d do what you love. You’d have money. You’d have fame.”

“It all starts simply if you just trust that person-the one who says they can make your dream come true for sure. WouId you believe him? Would you go with him?” No.

“No, I wouldn’t, P’Jane.”

“Why not?” I looked him in the eye and said what was in my heart.

“Nothing in this world comes that easy or for free. I want it, yes, but I know my skills aren’t there yet. I still have a lot to practice. There are no shortcuts or cheats for this, right?” “… ” “If someone says they can ‘make’ it happen, it means they’re using dirty methods. And that won’t last. I don’t want it. If I’m not good enough, I shouldn’t dream that far yet. I should know myself better than anyone. A dreamn achieved dishonestly isn’t something to be proud of.” I stared at P’Jane, who had gone quiet. We locked eyes for a full minute in silence. Finally, he gave a beautiful smile, his eyes curving downward. “I understand you now, No Jane.” “Yeah… so, that’s how it is.” “Then can I ask… what was the happiest day of your life?”

“That’s easy,” I replied instantly.” Huh?” “The day I got into university. I saw the smiles on my dad’s and my mom’s faces, and I thought… I want to keep those smiles around for a long time.” I used my spoon to dig for a chocolate ball in the bingsu while I talked. “But honestly, I’m a simple guy. I find happiness easily, P’. I think happiness just comes from simple things, right? Like, today my mom washed my shirt and it smells amazing. Today the clouds are prettier than usual. Just that makes me happy.” “… Nong Jane.”“ Yeah?” I looked up from the bingsu at the owner of the padlock pendant, my spoon still in my mouth. P’Jane was already looking at me, his eyes different than usual. It looked like surprise, but also impression… almost like reverence.” You’re strange, Nong Jane. I rarely meet anyone like you.” P’Jane took a breath as his phone shrieked again. He looked frustrated, as if he’d lost his patience or was genuinely displeased. I felt a sudden “cold aura” when he looked at the number on the screen. I didn’t know who was calling so relentlessly or what they meant to him-P’Jane hadn’t saved the name. It was just a number.” You can take it, P’. I can wait.” He seemed to snap out of it at the sound of my voice.

“Then wait for me a second, okay?” “Okay.” He grabbed his iPhone and pushed through the door. I chewed on a marshmallow while waiting for the owner of the padlock pendant. P’Jane returned as quickly as he’d left. “Nong Jane.” “Yes?” I looked up, having been biting my spoon.

“What should I do? I have to go.” His face looked sad and pleading, showing he really didn’t want to leave yet.

“Oh, an emergency? The same thing as earlier?” “Yes. Where do you live?” I told him my neighborhood. It wasn’t too far from the uni-a decent distance. P’Jane nodded.

“I can drop you off. It’s on the way. But we have to go right now.”” Sure, sure.”

“I’m sorry. We haven’t even finished eating.” “It’s fine, don’t sweat it. Shall we go, P’?”“ Yeah.” He called the waiter for the check and hurriedly paid with a thousand-baht note, not even waiting for change.

I realized his business must be incredibly urgent. I started to wonder what was going on-maybe it was family stuff he didn’t want to tell me. We were closer now, sure, but not that close.

“I told you I was going to treat you,” I said after we’d been in the car for a while.”… ”

“You snatched the bill away. I’m confused here.””… ” “P’Jane?” 11 11 “P’Jane!”

“Oh! Sorry, what?”

“Nothing… just drive.”

“No, say it again. I was thinking too hard about work. I want to talk to you.”

“I just said… I was going to treat you. You snatched it, so my plan failed.” “You can treat me next time.”

“It’s not the same… ”

“Next time, then. Why? Are we never going to see each other again?”

“Hehe, it’s not that… ”

“But ordering that basil rice for me already made me so happy. Let’s eat together again another day, when we aren’t in a rush.” He turned to smile at me again. I just nodded, feeling that the “damage” from that smile was getting stronger every day. I told him to turn into my alley and stop in front of my house.

“This one,” I said. P’Jane leaned over to look at my house for a moment. “It’s a cute house.”

“I don’t know. I’ve lived here since I was a kid, but my mom keeps redecorating. Anyway, see you later, P’. Go take care of your business.” I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Nong Jane… I’m really sorry. I feel like I’m leaving you halfway.”

“Leaving me halfway? You drove me all the way to my front door!”

“I don’t know. I feel weird. I was so happy I ran into you today when I thought I wouldn’t. Knowing we only got a little time together… it just sucks.” What is this guy saying?! If I were a sweet-eyed girl like my sister Jean, I’m sure I’d be twisting my body in knots over these words from the padlock guy. His tone wasn’t even special-it was just a plain statement that felt incredibly sincere and direct. Or at least, that’s how it felt to me. “I’m going now. You have to hurry, right?” I ended the scene with a very normal voice. P’Jane looked at his watch and nodded.

“Goodbye for real then, P’.” I gave him a wai and stepped out of the beautiful Mercedes with a heart that felt stranger than any other night. Just as I was turning the key to my front gate… “Nong Jane!” “Yeah? What is it, P’Jane?” “Get inside safely, okay?” “Yeah, I know!” I shouted back, and the guy who said he was in such a huge rush finally made a U-turn and drove off. Why give me orders when I’m already at the door? Honestly, this guy… It’s like he just wanted to be with me for a few seconds longer.