Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 7

I’m a motherfuckin’ train wreck I don’t wanna be too much

But I don’t wanna miss your touch And you don’t seem to give a fuck

···

Even though Putt’s words gave me pause, I didn’t let myself dwell on them too much. Isn’t it a terrible thing to believe someone else’s gossip without giving the person a chance to prove themselves?

Besides, so far, P’Jane has been an incredible senior to me. Nothing he’s done matches what Putt described. I’ve seen the truth with my own eyes, so I refused to take it to heart. Putt was probably just being his usual eccentric self-something I’d come to expect after being friends with him for so long.

“Hey, sitting in the front today?”

“I’m just saving a spot for Reuk. He said he can’t see from the back.” I had just been thinking about P’Jane, and there he was, striking up a conversation. The tall senior dropped into the seat next to me-the side where I hadn’t placed a seat-saving handout for Reuk. He leaned back, resting on his arms and his pile of belongings, still wearing that signature smile while looking at me.

“The front is good. You’ll actually have to pay attention. Otherwise, you’re just tapping away on your phone.”

“Whoa, do you have eyes in the back of your head or something?” I always sat behind him; how did he even see?

“I don’t need eyes in the back of my head to know. Every time l turn around, I see you on your phone.”

“Hey, just for a bit! I usually pay attention!” He laughed softly, and I found myself laughing too.

Since we were early, there were only a few other students in the room. He reached out with his right thumb and touched my cheek.

“This highlighter really stays on, doesn’t it?”

“Wait, it hasn’t faded yet? I totally forgot it was there.” I’d been so busy with the quiz and classes that I’d forgotten my face had been drawn on.

“Still there. Stuck tight,” P’Jane said with a smirk. I punched his shoulder, but he didn’t even flinch.

“It’s your fault! Why did you have to draw on my face anyway?”” That means you haven’t looked in a mirror all day.” He smiled so wide his eyes crinkled.

He didn’t say anything else, just kept rubbing and buffing my cheek with his thumb. See? This is how he is. How am I supposed to stay away from him? He was harmless, playful, and a lovely senior. Putt was definitely crazy. Actually, this was the perfect opportunity. I should just do it now. Why wait?” P’Jane.”

“Yeah?”

“Here.” I pulled the sea-blue gift box from my bag and handed it to him. He pulled his hand away from my cheek and took the box with both hands, still smiling.

“What’s this now? You didn’t tell me you liked giving gifts so much.”” It’s… it’s not from me.” I didn’t know what his expression was because | deliberately avoided looking at him. I stared at my own knees as if they were the most fascinating things in the world, but I assumed he’d seen the gift and the card inside by now.

” Someone asked me to give it to you.” “… ”

“Anyway, you should probably contact them back to say thanks.”

“Wow, look at you, P’! So hot! You’ve even got girls crushing on you.” Not knowing what else to do, I nudged him with my elbow and looked up. But the words died in my throat. P’Jane was staring at me with a look that was anything but good. The smile had vanished instantly. It was a second of such thick awkwardness that I couldn’t speak. Then he opened his mouth.

“Why did you bring this to me? 11 “I asked you: why did you bring this to me?”” B-because… someone asked me to.” The look in his eyes, his expression, and his tone forced the answer out of me, even though I was stammering, shocked by how he had transformed into a completely different person.

“So just because someone asks, you have to do it? Are you working as a messenger now?” I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Why was he acting like this? Without another word, he gathered his handouts and the gift box.

“I understand now.” He stood up and walked over to join his group of friends who had just walked in. My mouth hung open. I wanted to protest, to say something, but nothing came out. Even if I could have called him back, I didn’t know what I would have said. I just didn’t understand his reaction at all. He looked angry… hurt… and deeply disappointed.

“Alright, Nong Jane, you’re paired with the teacher today. P’Jane is absent again.” I was being avoided. It was real. I wasn’t imagining it. I nodded and took Professor Rapee’s hand. I was getting better at the ballroom steps, moving to the rhythm in my head. This was the second time P’Jane had skipped Social Dance. And when we saw each other in Abnormal Psych, he wouldn’t speak to me. If he couldn’t avoid me, he’d just acknowledge my wai and speak only about necessary things. No more playful banter. Even his LINE messages were short and painfully slow. The change was so obvious that even Gap asked if P’Jane was busy. I just told him l didn’t know. Namkhing, however, was devastated.

“It’s definitely because of me,” Namkhing sighed as we walked to the building.

Her face was full of worry.

“Why do you think that, Khing?”

“Because after you gave him that gift, he never contacted me. He must not like me. And because he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t want to be near you either, because it would be hard to avoid me. He probably doesn’t want to give me false hope.”

“Is that… so?”

“What should I do, Jane? Should I tell him it’s okay? That he doesn’t have to like me, but please don’t be like this? This feels worse than a regular rejection.”

“Don’t, Khing. He might just be busy. Like I told you, he’s a senior and he’s working.”

“Ugh, I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve lost all my confidence.” I spent the whole day comforting her, even though I didn’t feel great myself. I didn’t know the real reason he was ghosting me, but I was certain he was avoiding me specifically, not Namkhing. That afternoon, things came to a head. I went to the library to meet Namkhing, only to find her sitting there, looking hollow.

“P’Jane asked to meet me at the cafe. He gave the gift back.” She gestured to the box on the table, looking as neat and perfect as before.

” He said he appreciated the feelings, but he didn’t feel that way about me.

Once I heard that… I couldn’t say anything. I just took the box and walked here in a daze.”

“It’s okay, Khing… ”

“I can’t even describe how I feel. He was very polite about it. I wasn’t even that in love with him, but… ”

“I get it. The disappointment still stings, right?”

“Yeah.” Despite that, P’Jane still didn’t show up to class. The rejection had happened yesterday. It had been a full week since he’d changed. It wasn’t like I’d known him for years, but this one week of silence felt like a hollow ache in my chest. He had an influence over me that made me feel genuinely lost. Maybe I was just too sensitive, letting every little thing shake me.

“Alright, class dismissed. Next week is the exam for the Begin and Cha-Cha-Cha. Don’t forget to practice with your partners!” I walked toward the front of the university to find a taxi. It was after 8: 00 PM. On the way, I passed the second parking lot. In the shadows, I saw a group of students. One of them was the person l recognized most in the world. P’Jane. He was crouching on a parking barrier, smoking. He exhaled a plume of silver smoke through his nose. Our eyes met-full, unavoidable contact. This time, I didn’t think to greet him. I didn’t even raise my hand. He didn’t look away, but he didn’t acknowledge me either. I pulled my gaze away and hurried past, trying to suppress the burning sensation rising in my chest. So you’re at the university, but you won’t go to class? Do we really have to avoid each other this much? I was furious… but more than that, I wanted to cry.

“So, he’s definitely avoiding you?”

“Yeah.”

“And you kept lying to me, saying he was just ‘busy.’ I knew something was fishy.” Gap spoke as we sat in a chill bar behind the uni.

I was supposed to go home, but after seeing P’Jane blatantly avoid me, I decided I wasn’t going back! I went to Gap’s dorm and pestered him until he agreed to come out for a drink.

“Jane, slow down. You don’t drink like this. You’re gonna die of alcohol poisoning. It’s only 9: 00 PM!”

“Gap… ”

“What?”

“I don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Sigh.”

“I really don’t understand, man.” Finally, the feelings I’d been bottled up overflowed into tears. I was sad… so sad that it had come to this. I missed the week before, when he’d mess with my hair at every opportunity. Now, he looked right through me like I was made of air, as if our closeness had never existed.

“Oh, Jane… ”

“Namkhing is my friend. She asked me to give it to him, so I did. If he doesn’t like her, why take it out on me?”

“Stop being so stupid for a second.”

“Stupid how?”

“He isn’t mad because he doesn’t like Khing. He’s mad because you were the one who had the nerve to hand him someone else’s love on a silver platter.”

“W-what are you talking about?” I hiccuped, downing another half-glass. The alcohol was starting to numb my body.

“Can you admit to yourself yet that you like him? Only when you admit that can I explain the rest.”

“Don’t say that, man.”

“I have to. I’m tired of dancing around it. You like him, Jane. Admit it. It’s not wrong.” Gap’s words made me sob harder. Yes… I liked P’Jane. The reason I was so miserable was because I liked him so much-liked him until it hurt to be ignored.

“I saw your phone wallpaper. It’s that couple photo of you two from the Cute Boy page. Even with the brightness turned all the way down, I saw it.”

“It doesn’t matter now. It’s over between us. It broke before it even started… ”

“It broke because you meddled with Khing’s gift! Why didn’t you talk to me first? In the future, let people handle their own business. Look at you-playing matchmaker when your own heart wasn’t in it. Is Khing three years old? If she likes someone, let her handle it herself!”

“I thought… maybe if P’Jane ended up with her, it would be better. Because he probably doesn’t like guys anyway. That means he could never like me like that. At least if he was with Khing, I could still be near him. I could see his face, be his junior like before. Don’t you see?”

“Ugh, Jane! If you don’t stop being an idiot, I’m done talking to you!” Gap yelled, losing patience.

“What now?! I’m telling the truth!” I shouted back, crying and pathetic, spilling liquor on my own shirt.

“Listen to me. He likes you. P’Jane likes you. That’s why he’s mad! No, actually, he isn’t even mad-he’s sulking! He’s hurt because he likes you this much, but you’re too dense to see it and even had the face to offer him someone else! Do you get it now?!” Is everyone crazy?

“Oh, Jane… how can you have so little self-confidence? I can see he likes you from Mars. Probably more than you like him!”

“Even if you don’t know it, the whole faculty knows!”

“P’Jane… hic… P’Jane… ”

“Dammit, you’re getting drunk right when we’re talking about the important stuff.” I barely heard Gap anymore after five glasses. Then, I felt someone shaking my shoulder.

“Jane! Jane! Give me your phone.” Gap’s voice sounded like it was floating from miles away. Before l knew it, my phone was in his hand. I slumped face-down on the table while Gap yelled into the phone. I missed P’Jane… wondered how much longer he’d hide from me. My eyes burned.

“Jane… Jane… ”

“P’Jane… ?” I must be really drunk to see Gap as P’Jane. Wait… Gap was still sitting there. But P’Jane was holding my shoulder. Can Gap split into two people? One of him looked exactly like P’Jane.

“I’ll leave him to you, P’. I’m going back to the dorm. I’ll settle the bill.”

“Okay… how many glasses did he have?”

“A lot. I lost count.”

“Sigh… why did he get this drunk?” I felt a large hand touch my forehead, then my neck. My body was burning up. Gap let out a short laugh.

“Hehe… well, it’s because of you, P’.”

“Give him a chance, P’. My friend isn’t exactly the smartest.” The noise of the bar, the music, and the flashing lights felt like my head was going to explode. Then, I was being supported to a car and tucked into the passenger seat. I smelled that familiar scent of P’Jane, even if I didn’t fully realize what was happening. The car moved. Then, I “warped” to a condo. That same expensive, sexy scent filled the air. I sat on a dark sofa, staring blankly, my left hand rubbing my cheek repeatedly.

“What is it? Why won’t you stop scratching? Does it itch? Are you allergic to alcohol?” A voice asked from nearby. I shook my head slowly.

“No.”

“Then why are you scratching?”

“I’m not scratching. I’m touching.”” Touching what?”

“Touching the spot where P’Jane drew with the highlighter… ” I answered honestly, still holding my left cheek. It felt like the highlighter mark was still there, even though it had faded long ago. I felt the sofa dip beside me as the heat of another person drew close.

“And why do you have to touch it?”

“I don’t know.” Dark, shimmering eyes that could pin a person in place locked onto my glazed ones. He asked again: “Do you know what the drawing was?”

“What drawing?”

“A heart.””… ”

“A pink heart.”

“P’Jane drew a heart on my left cheek… ”

“Yes. It was a heart. That heart.” Everything went still. Neither of us moved. Then, a lump formed in my throat, and the tears that had dried up came pouring out again.

“P’Jane… ”

“Jane… no, don’t cry.”

“What… what did I do wrong?” My voice was so hoarse it was barely a whisper.

“Why do you have to avoid me? Can you tell me what I did wrong?” There was no answer from the tall man-only a silence I didn’t want. I sobbed, feeling the injustice of it all. Even now, I didn’t understand. But through the confusion, one thing was clear: I cared about him. I cared so much that I couldn’t stand our relationship being like this.

“What did I do, P’Jane? Why do you have to ignore me? If something is wrong, why won’t you just say it?”

“Jane… ”

“Did I do something terrible?”

“No.”

“Then why are you hiding from me?!” He turned his face away and sighed as if annoyed. That was the last straw. I shouted again, demanding an answer.

“Why, P’Jane?! WHY?!” My shout was cut short in my throat as he turned back and pressed his warm, hot lips against mine. He drank from them softly but firmly until I felt like my feet were lifting off the floor. Then, those soft lips pulled away gently.

“Do you understand now?” his deep voice whispered. I didn’t even dare to blink. I didn’t dare to breathe. I felt like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over me-l was suddenly, hilariously sober. I could only stare into those midnight eyes so close to mine, completely stunned. And the only thing I saw reflected in those sharp, intense eyes was myself.

“Do you understand now, you little idiot?”