Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 36

Every time I try to fly I fall

Without my wings I feel so small I guess I need you baby

And every time I see You in my dreams I see your face

It’s haunting me I guess I need you baby

“Jane, could you do me a favor and take care of this as well?”

“Oh… sure.”

“Ooh, thank you! My boss just handed me another task, so I’ve got to run. See ya!”

“Haha, okay.” I let out a dry laugh. I knew perfectly well she was lying, but I was too tired to make a scene. Sometimes I really hate how I’m such a “pushover.” That’s exactly why I end up sitting here, being used like a slave-especially by P’Sao. She’s played me so many times now. If I ever lose my cool, there won’t be anything left of her! Gosh, she’s so thick-skinned. Just because I don’t say anything, she thinks she can walk all over me. “Hey, just let it go, Jane. It won’t take long to finish. Thanks anyway.” That was Chassy. Unbelievable, right? But it really happened. We ended up working at the same company and became friends because Chassy gave me a sincere apology for everything she did in the past. She realized how awful harassment is.

She said she was young and reckless back then-the classic “I didn’t know any better” excuse. He even went to apologize to Namkhing and Sherry for bullying them. Since she was sincere, I saw no reason not to forgive her. Even the Buddha said that forgiveness is the highest form of merit. Now, Chassy even has a “cuddly bear” boyfriend who loves her dearly. I’m just happy for them and wish them a long life together. I rolled my shoulders until they cracked. Sigh. Life as a 25-year-old office worker is so boring. I miss my student days. I miss my friends, playing football, and having freedom. Growing up is painful and honestly no fun at all. You have to wake up early to squeeze onto crowded roads just to get to work.

Once you finish, you have to fight everyone else to get back home. Sometimes you have to do OT or stay late just to suck up to the boss. Life feels driven more by a salary than by dreams or ideals. Exhausted, I got up at the end of the shift, said goodbye to Chassy in the next cubicle, and headed straight to scan my card at the BTS to go home. I’m so tired. I just want to go home and hug my mom. I want to eat her baked shrimp-she told me she was making it today. I took a motorcycle taxi into my alley. Actually, I’m quite a good driver now and I even have a car-a sharp-looking, “power-red” Chevrolet. But since parking at a downtown office costs a fortune-nearly 300 baht a day-there’s no way someone like me would pay that. Just thinking about it makes me wince. It’s not worth the salary. So, I still use public transport for my daily commute. “Hello, mom.” “Oh, Jane! It’s Friday, but you’re home early.”

“The second I clocked out, I bolted. Friday evening traffic scares me. Did you sell much today?”

“Same as usual, dear. But someone did buy an air bed for an elderly person who can’t walk.”

“Oh, that’s great.”

“It is. Go on inside and get some water, Jane. You look exhausted.” I should explain a bit more. My dad quit his job as a factory pharmacist about four years ago to open his own drugstore. My mom also quit to become a full-time housewife; she dabbles in stocks and funds as a hobby, though not quite a pro investor. Of course, they could only do this because of the money from selling that luxury condo. Regardless, we still live a modest life, spending every baht carefully and planning our finances strictly. It wasn’t something I could keep secret from my parents, given it was such a huge sum of money. I had to tell them everything-right from the beginning. Otherwise, they would have been confused as to why their eldest son’s ex-boyfriend would just hand over such an inheritance. My dad was “forest-fire” levels of angry when he found out Jet had gambling debts that got me into trouble (he hates vices). Then he got mad at me for not telling him sooner. But Mom calmed him down, saying what’s done is done-there’s no use dwelling on the past; it’s better to focus on the present.
In the end, that condo sold for 12. 6 million baht. Sounds like a lot, right? But for five people, it’s not that much. If you divide it, it’s only about two million each. Especially in this bad economy with inflation rising, even people richer than us don’t stop working. Why should we, as middle-class people, just sit around doing nothing? Money disappears in the blink of an eye because human desire is hard to suppress. My family lives by the motto of not being reckless. We didn’t want to be like “the poor man who wins the lottery”-spending it all quickly only to end up poor again. So, only I, my dad, and my mom know the truth. My two younger siblings don’t. We didn’t want them thinking the family was wealthy and wasting money on partying instead of studying. Even so, dad still gave Jet a tongue-lashing about his gambling until he went pale.
I think Jet is more scared of him than he ever was of debt collectors. I kept the first portion of the money as my own education fund. I gave my dad and mom 1. 5 million each for their retirement. They insisted on refusing, but I wouldn’t budge. Finally, they accepted, saying they would use it as a scholarship fund for my younger siblings to study as high as they want. We then decided to use another portion to renovate our old, dilapidated house. We turned it into a three-story building and converted the front into a proper pharmacy-air-conditioned, with two pharmacists (including my dad). We sell everything from dermo-cosmetics to all kinds of medicine. It’s the best pharmacy in the area; people from further away even drive here to buy.
Some days we’re so busy we can’t keep up. Finally, at 48, my dad has the business of his dreams. My sister is growing up, so she deserved her own bathroom. Jet and I had shared a room for ages, so we each got our own rooms too. I bought a car during my junior year and still use it today. The rest of the money I donate to various foundations when I can. With what was left, I bought government bonds and savings certificates. Looking at it now, there isn’t much left. If I were a spendthrift, I could have blown it all in a year. “P’Jane! You’re back! Are you tired?”

“Yeah, I am.” I patted the head of my younger sister, Jean, who was beaming and showing off her braces.

“What about you, Jean? Tired from your extra classes?”

“So tired! My back hurts so much. Carrying an iPad and books every day feels like my spine is going to snap.” I just smiled at her complaining. If it weren’t for the money from the condo, Jean wouldn’t have those braces or that iPad.

“You’re in Grade 12 now, you have to work hard. You don’t want to be the first one in the house who doesn’t get into university, right? When I was your age, I studied until 2 a. m. Jet did the same.” Jean made a face like she was going to cry.

“Wait, you’re still here? What do you want?” I asked, knowing her too well. She stayed put and grinned. “Hehe, P’Jane, come upstairs with me for a sec.” She dragged me up the stairs and pushed the door into her bedroom. Jet was lying on her bed with a grumpy face. Jean chirped happily: “Alright! We’re all here. Shall we start?”

“What! Again?!” Jet and I shouted in unison. Jean huffed. “Why are you guys being like this? Is it really that hard?”

“Yes, it’s hard! If it wasn’t, why would I be complaining?” Jet snapped back. “But you can’t do this to me! There are only three of us. Mom and Dad said siblings have to help each other.” “Helping is one thing, but this isn’t exactly a ’emergency’ we need to help with, is it?” Jet grumbled. “Ugh, enough! Stop it right now,” I said.

“I’m tired from work and don’t want to hear you two fighting. You’re both adults now.”

“But P’Jane, you’ll do it for me, right?”

“P’Jane!” Jet pleaded.

“Just let us go rest. I’ve been studying and working all day. I’m in my fourth year!”

“You talk like you’re in med school. How hard can it be?” “Hey! I’m in nursing school! It’s just as heavy as med school, okay? Plus, I get yelled at by patients more. Between the senior nurses and the doctors, my head is practically chewed off every day.” “Jet, don’t use ‘Goo/ Mueng’ (vulgar pronouns) with your sister,” I scolded with a glare. Yes, believe it or not, Jet is a nursing student. He even got into the same university as me. He’s currently doing his ward rotations. My dad wanted one of the kids to be in health sciences, and Jet was the one who made him proud. He was beaming for a whole year, just like when I graduated.

“Oh come on, you call me ‘Mueng’ too!” “Because you’re a guy!”

“Ugh! Stop fighting! Tell me, are you going to do it or not? Speak up!” Jean was ready to throw a tantrum. Jet and I locked eyes, sighed, and Jet finally spoke: “Fine, let’s do it. Start the music!” I’m on the Next Level Yeah… Watch me, I’ll protect the rules… Don’t let go of my hand… (Next Level-Aespa) And there we were-Jet and I, dancing to K-Pop with bored expressions. Jean took the role of Karina (the center), Jet was Ningning, and I was Winter. We were missing a Giselle, but Jean wasn’t brave enough to ask Dad or Mom to join.

We kept dancing for Jean’s TikTok. Not just Aespa, but Twice, ITZY, Red Velvet, Blackpink-I can dance to all of them because my sister drags me into it every time. She learns the choreography for every position and makes us follow along. I don’t actually like cover dancing at all-it totally clashes with my personality-but I just can’t say no when I see Jean looking like she’s about to cry.

As we kept dancing, I started to feel like Jet and I were becoming more “Girl Group” by the day. Jet, especially-he’s so fluid that even his girlfriend, Bambie, praises him every time she sees him. Sometimes when she visits, she joins in, and it becomes a bonding activity for the youth of all levels.

Jean is more than happy to have extra members for her girl group.

“Okay, Pretty Savage is on! Today, I’m being Lisa!” Jet declared.” Nooo! You can’t, Jet! I’m Lisa!” Jean shrieked.

“Are you planning to be Lisa every single time? Switch positions for once! I don’t care, I’m the Main Dancer today.”

“No, no way! I’m Lisa!” Jean stomped her feet.

“Stop arguing right now! I said stop! You’re giving me a headache!” I shouted.

“This is ridiculous. Fine, I’ll be Lisa. Jet, you’re Jennie. Jean, you’re Rosé.” “You as Lisa?” Jet burst out laughing.

“She has a dance solo, man! You need to stop dancing off-beat first, P.” Even Jean joined in the laughter. Am I really that bad at dancing?

“Hey, for your information, I got straight A’s in ballroom dancing back in the day!” I snapped.

“That spirit probably ascended to heaven long ago,” Jet teased.” Right now, your dancing is total trash. Sometimes you look like a gecko getting pinched by a toilet seat! Hahaha!”

“That’s it, Jet!” I lunged at my foul-mouthed brother, locking my legs around him in a headlock. I guess Thailand is about to lose a future nursing professional today. Jet screamed as I jumped him, but he couldn’t stop coughing and laughing at the same time. His short nursing student gown was completely wrinkled.

“Just give up the Lisa spot to me or Jean!”

“Never! I’m going to be Lisa and dance Swalla so hot that all of Bangkok catches fire!”

“You’re delusional. You sound worse than the patients in the psych ward! Hahaha!” Even Jean was doubled over. She didn’t even care that I was the one who bought her that iPad Pro as a gift.

“Okay, okay! Fine, Jane can be Lisa today. Let’s just dance. It’s almost dinner time.”

“Deal. And when we loop back to Aespa, I’m Karina. When we do Twice, I’m Momo. My inner Main Dancer has been awakened!”“ Oh, P’Jane… ”

“Why are you making that face, Jean?! You think I’m bad?!” “N-no, of course not!”

“Are we dancing or not? If not, I’m going to bed.”

“Eek! Calm down, don’t be scary! We’re dancing! P’Jet, get up, hurry!” I couldn’t believe the three of us almost killed each other over who gets to be the star. Why have we been this crazy since we were kids? Sigh. Being Karina is exhausting, though. I think I’ll go back to being Winter.

“Jean, you’re off-beat. That move doesn’t happen there.”“ Then when does it happen? Tell me, P’Jet!” “Like this.” “Ugh, show-off! I was doing it right, you’re the one who’s wrong!”” Jean, Jet, stop! If you want to know who’s right, look at me.”“ Umm… I think I’ll just check YouTube to be sure.” “Me too.”

“You ungrateful brats!” I muttered. While I was bickering over nonsense with my siblings, a thought drifted into my mind: If I were still with him, what would life be like? I definitely wouldn’t be living this ordinary life, hopping around singing silly Korean songs with my siblings. Even though we’ve been apart for a long time, I still think about that man as if he only left last night. You’ve never faded from my heart, P’Jane.

“Let’s do this one: Pick Me from Produce 48. A classic!” Jet selected the song.

“I’m the center! I’m Sakura!” I immediately claimed the spot, stretching my limbs.

“Kids! Come down and eat! Dinner is ready!” Mom called

from downstairs while we were arguing intensely over who would be the center for BNK48′ s Koisuru Fortune Cookie. “I’m Mobile!” “I’m Mobile!” “Then I’m Cherprang.”

“Whatever!” they both snapped at me, making me jump.

“Jenalee, Jet-nintra, Jin-nipha! Get down here right now or I’m throwing this food to the dogs! If I have to come up there, it won’t end with just dinner!” Mom’s full-name shout sent shivers down our spines. We scrambled to turn off the AC, lights, and computer, racing down the stairs.

“Jean, have you thought about what faculty you want to enter?” Mom asked halfway through dinner.

Jean pouted.

“Mom, I told you, I don’t want to go to university. I want to be a K-pop idol.” “Be realistic,” dad chided. “Do you think it’s that easy? You’re in Grade 12 now.”

“Aw, dad, she might actually make it,” Jet chimed in. “Why not let her audition? She might be the next Lisa.”

“Stop filling her head with fantasies,” dad said sternly. “Live in the real world. Do you think this family has bags of money to throw away? You’re 18. If you don’t have a plan, how will you survive? Your mother and I won’t be around forever. Aside from Jane, none of you are reliable yet.”

“That’s not fair. I haven’t even graduated yet,” Jet argued. “P’Jane is the eldest, of course he’s the reliable one.” “Jet, don’t talk back to your dad,” Mom interrupted. She turned to Jean.

“I know you love dancing, but it’s not easy. I understand it’s a dream for kids these days, but how many actually make it? Remember Pink, Auntie Shim’s daughter? They spent five or six years sending her to be a trainee in Korea. Multiple plastic surgeries. In the end, she failed. The agency cut her. Now she’s lost and having to start over. Even if you debut, there’s no guarantee of fame. The competition is cutthroat. I don’t want to see you lost at 30 with nothing to show for it. Auntie Shim lost millions on living expenses there.”

“You heard your mother,” dad added.

“Not everyone can be Lisa or Ten. Think about a real career. Keep dancing as a hobby. I’m not saying it’s pointless, but it’s not a viable path for everyone.” Jean’s eyes welled up. She could barely eat.

“Why does it have to be like this? Don’t I have the right to a dream?” The table went silent. Then dad spoke more gently.

“You have the right to dream, child. But not everyone gets what they dream of. Dream and reality are different things. The people who get everything they dream of… are the ones who are very, very rich.” Jean burst into tears. No one dared to disagree because they knew dad was telling the truth.

“I wish I had one magic wish,” Jean sobbed. “Why are there no Genies in lamps? Why isn’t there someone who can give you anything you ask for?” I couldn’t stay silent after hearing that.

“Jean, listen to me. Nothing comes for free. If you ask for something from someone, they will definitely want something in return. Anything that sounds too good to be true usually is. Never be fooled by that.”

“Why is everyone ganging up on me?!” Jean screamed. “What’s wrong with following my dream?” “Don’t raise your voice at Jane!” dad barked. “What he said is right. Magic wishes are nonsense. You’re being selfish. Are you crying because you weren’t born into a rich family? Are you ashamed to be our child?”

“No… it’s not that… ” Jean couldn’t find the words. In the suffocating silence, Jet spoke up.

“Dad, just let her try an audition. They hold them in Thailand every year. If she fails, she fails. Just give her a chance.”

“Fine! If they don’t come here, I’ll save money and fly to Korea myself!” Jean cried.

“Enough! No more!” Dad cut them off.

“Jet, stop encouraging her delusions. We are not talking about this anymore. Jean, you have one week to tell me which faculty you are applying for.” After dinner, the atmosphere was heavy. Jet and Jean disappeared into their rooms. I helped Mom wash the dishes.

“Dad has gotten really good at nagging lately,” I remarked.

“Oh, don’t even get me started,” Mom whispered .

“Sometimes even I don’t want to listen. He should take some of the herbal medicine in his shop to cool his head.” I laughed out loud.” But Mom, I feel for Jean. She really wants this.”

“I know she does, but we have to look at her potential, Jane. Those idols dance like machines and sing perfectly live. Jean is still stiff, and her singing… well, let’s just say the best singers in this house are me and Jet.” It was true. I was the only one who didn’t inherit Mom’s singing voice.

“But Mom, auditions look for potential to develop. Jean is cute. If she gets a chance in Thailand, I’d be willing to support her. I have savings.” Mom sighed .” I want you to keep that money for yourself.

You think it’s a lot, but in today’s world, it’s not. I’ve seen enough people lose everything.” “I know… ”

“If you send her to Korea, that money will be gone in two years. And besides, raising her is the parents’ job, not the big brother’s. Plus… the person who gave you that money wanted you to use it. Not for you to give it away to everyone else. He might be upset if he knew.” Mom patted my shoulder gently. “Do you miss him?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “If it weren’t for him, our family wouldn’t be this comfortable.”

“True. I’m just glad you’re not involved in that dangerous world anymore. But I do feel like ‘Big Jane’ is a benefactor to our home.” I sat in front of a blank Word document for two hours. I want to be a writer, but the exhaustion of daily life kills my creativity. I used to win short story contests in high school, but now, my talent feels dull. I grabbed two cans of beer and a letter and headed to the rooftop. I’ve read this letter for five years until I know every word by heart, but I still pull it out when I want to feel something. I opened the letter under the stars. Tomorrow is Saturday; I can drink as much as I want. Suddenly, I heard footsteps. I scrambled to hide the letter. “Jet!” “Whoa, P’Jane! I thought you were dad.” “You thought I was a ghost, more like.” “I’d rather see a ghost than dad right now.” Jet sat down, trying to hide a cigarette in his hand.” Smoking, huh? Go ahead.”

“Thanks, P.” Jet lit up. “Ah, no wonder. You’re drinking beer.”” Don’t tell dad.” “Obviously.”

“Smells terrible,” I complained.

“It’s a cigarette, not a flower,” Jet mumbled. Looking at him, I could tell he wasn’t a beginner. As I watched the smoke, an image of someone else flashed over him. It hurt so much I had to look away.” You look cool smoking,” I murmured.

“Is there a cool way to smoke?”

“I just… knew someone who made it look cool.”

“Who?” “I don’t remember.” I offered him a beer, but he refused because he had an early shift.” Can a nurse even smoke?” I asked.

“Even doctors smoke, P’Jane. Telling a patient not to do it doesn’t mean we can follow our own advice.” We talked about his girlfriend, Bambie, who is studying to be a doctor. I asked if they’d survive the “power dynamics” of a female doctor and a male nurse. “P’, what year is this? It’s all about the heart. If we love each other, those excuses don’t matter. Besides, her parents love me. I’m going to ask dad to propose for me once she finishes her sixth year.” “Damn… you’re getting married?” It felt like yesterday we were just kids. “What about you, P’Jane? Why don’t you have anyone?” I took a long swig of beer.

“I’m busy. No time to find a girlfriend.”

“That’s an excuse. Want me to introduce you to some cute male nurses? Plenty of single guys.”

“No thanks. Don’t be a meddler.” Jet finished his cigarette and went to bed.

I stayed there, listening to music. There may be days I miss you, but I don’t know if you feel it… I just watch the rain falling… But I don’t know where you are…

“Where are you… my Big Jane?” I whispered to the stars. A shooting star streaked across the sky. Do you know… that someone misses you?