Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 59

“Always remember. You will live. You will love. You will dance again.

Jennifer Lopez. True Love

“Err… hello. Hehe.”

“Oh, Jane! You really don’t remember us? Not even a little? It’s me, Sherry!” the sharp, beautiful woman spoke up first.

“Hic… Jane, do you really not remember Khing?” followed the sweet, polite-looking woman, her eyes welling with tears.

“My poor friend, how did it come to this?” Sherry added .

“Ugh, Cherry, Namkhing! What are you two wailing for? Jane has amnesia. Do you understand the words ‘memory loss’? Crying won’t make him remember. He doesn’t even remember his own boyfriend!” It was Gap who shouted over them. My three friends had come to visit me at home, and the three of them bickered loudly until l finally had to intervene.

“Gap, stop. Don’t be mean to our friends.”

“Wow, look at you, the soul of a saint has possessed you,” Gap mocked.

“If you remembered their true colors, you wouldn’t be acting like this.”

“You mouthy brat, Gap!”

“Hello, children!”

“Oh! Hello, Mom.”

“Goodness, Khing, Sherry! It’s been so long. How are you? Wow, Sherry, you’ve gotten even prettier. This is what they call a ‘bridal aura’!”

“Of course, Mom,” Gap chimed in.

“Sherry’s been on a million-baht course-Botox, fillers, lasers, spa massages. She’d better be prettier!”

“Gap!” Sherry glared at him.

“And Khing is so lovely. How are you, little girl? Business is booming, right?” Mom turned to Namkhing, who nodded with a bright smile.

“It’s good, Mom. I’m thinking of expanding the branch and starting online classes.” Mom brought out a large tray of snacks and fruit, chatted with the group for a bit, and then told us to move to my bedroom because a technician was coming to fix the air conditioner in the living room at 10: 30 AM. The four of us helped each other carry things up.

“Um… please make yourselves at home, Sherry, Namkhing.”

“Oh, stop with the formal, Jane! And why are you standing there so stiffly?” Sherry asked .

I fidgeted before answering, “Other than Mom and my sister… no woman has ever been in my room.”

“Jane, we’ve been in here before. You don’t have to be tense, and you don’t have to be that polite,” Namkhing said , patting the spot on the bed beside her.

She gave a sweet, harmless smile-something that felt strangely familiar to me.

“Come sit here with us, Mr. Homeowner.” “… Okay.” I sat down next to Namkhing before the two friends I couldn’t remember pulled me into a tight hug. Though I was stiff at first, I could feel their genuine concern. Eventually, I relaxed and patted their arms to comfort them. Gap stepped in after watching the touching scene for a while. “Alright, alright, let go of him. He’s the patient, yet he has to be the one comforting you guys. Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“It’s because I’m worried… ” Namkhing wiped away a tear. “I’m so worried about Jane. I don’t want to lose another friend in our group.”

“Me too,” Sherry added sadly. “Hey, let’s not talk about sad things,” Gap interrupted.

“Does that mean… someone in our group passed away?” I couldn’t help but ask. Namkhing was the one to answer.

“Yes. His name was Putt. You don’t remember him at all, do you?” I shook my head. Not even the name sounded familiar.

“This was him, Jane.” Sherry showed me a photo of the five of us in university uniforms. She zoomed in on one guy.

“This is Putt.” “… I… mean, Jane doesn’t remember him.” I stared at the photo of the young man. Strangely, I felt a wave of heart-wrenching sorrow wash over me, yet I still couldn’t recall a single thing about him. Gap brushed Sherry’s hand away. “Hey, Gap!” “Come on, it’s fine,” Gap said , putting an arm around my shoulder.

“Let Jane remember the people who are still here first. As for Putt, he wouldn’t mind if Jane can’t remember him right now.” Even though I didn’t recognize Sherry and Namkhing, I had a great time talking with them. I slowly grew accustomed to them until the tension vanished. The four of us took turns sharing university memories-funny stories and touching ones alike. There was the time we went camping on a mountain during our senior year break, and P’Pie and Sherry saw a “traditional dancer ghost,” making everyone so scared we didn’t sleep all night. The next day, no one was awake enough to see the sunrise. I realized I must be one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to friends. The more I listened, the more I wanted to remember everything quickly. Those precious memories-I hope they return to me one day.

“By the way, Jane, your body seems totally back to normal,” Namkhing noted .

“Well, of course, it’s been months now,” Sherry added . “Yeah, I’m as strong as ever.

No more physical therapy, but I still have to see the psychiatrist,” I replied with a smile. Three months had passed since I woke up. I was physically fit enough to work hard helping Dad at the pharmacy. Only the eight missing years of memory remained. We talked until 1: 00 PM when my friends got ready to leave.

Sherry reminded me that I had to attend her wedding with P’Pie, and I promised I’d be there. I went down to see them off at the front of the pharmacy. Gap, who was kneeling to tie his shoes, looked up at me.

“And your boyfriend?” “What about P’Jane?” “Do you see him often?”

“Often. Almost every day. He takes me to the hospital, takes me here and there.”

“And it doesn’t ring any bells?” “Nah.”” Gap sighed.

“Man, I want you to remember soon. Just thinking about it is suffocating-eight years gone.”

“I want to remember too.”

“I hope he doesn’t get discouraged by you.”

“I feel more discouraged than he does, honestly… I feel sorry for him,” I said softly.” Huh?” “He has to love me, even though I can’t even tell him if I love him back… because I don’t even remember him.”

“Right now, I’m a boyfriend who can’t fulfill his duties. I can’t hug him, I can’t kiss him, and I certainly can’t sleep with him because it feels forced. You understand, right? I pity him, but I don’t know what to do.” Gap was speechless. He let out a long sigh and patted my shoulder.

“Hang in there. You’ll remember eventually. But he’s not forcing you, right?”

“No. He has never forced me into anything.”

“Good. So, what are you doing this afternoon? Helping Dad sell medicine?” “No, P’Jane is picking me up to go somewhere. He hasn’t said where yet. It’s part of my CBT.”

“Well, good luck. Spend a lot of time with him.”

“Is our story really that epic? Everyone is rooting for us. Jean even told me I could forget anything but I absolutely cannot forget P’Jane.”

“Just like your sister said-he loves you very much. I’m off! Say hello to P’Jane for me.”

“Gap! Get in the car, let’s go! Khing has to be back to teach at 2: 30!” Sherry yelled.

“Yeah, yeah, coming!” Gap patted my shoulder one last time before walking away. I waved to my three friends with a smile. Once Sherry’s red car disappeared, I went inside to help Mom with some light chores. Checking the time, I hurried to shower and dress because my date with P’Jane was approaching. I used a small towel to dry my hair, then plugged in the hairdryer.

While doing so, my phone vibrated on the nearly empty vanity. P’Jane: I forgot to tell you-wear your university student uniform today. See you in 15 minutes. “Mom! Mom!” Mom rushed out of the kitchen, shouting back after I called her from the second-floor stairs. I yelled again, “Mom, come help me find my student uniform!

I don’t know where I kept it! I can’t remember!”

“Goodness! How would I know? Didn’t you donate it already?”“ don’t know! Just help me find it! And find the belt too!”

“Why are you telling me this so last minute?”“ Blame P’Jane! He just messaged me now.”

“Fine! Get in the room, let’s look together!” Wait, Mom didn’t say a single word of complaint once I mentioned P’Jane told me to do it. Mom and I searched for about ten minutes until I found my uniforms-everything from the formal ceremony set to the daily class wear. Once found, Mom went back to her chores, and I quickly got dressed. I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling as excited as if it were my actual first day of university, This university had always been my ultimate dream. Finally, my perseverance and hard work hadn’t betrayed me-I had actually made it. Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes. I twirled around several times, thinking of grabbing my iPhone for a mirror selfie, but before I could, P’Jane messaged again. P’Jane: I’m waiting downstairs. No need to rush. Take your time. P’Jane was incredibly punctual. Exactly fifteen minutes. Since he had messaged and I was ready/, I shouldn’t linger just to admire myself in the uniform. I hurried down the stairs. “Oh!” I gasped when I saw that the person waiting for me was also dressed in a university student uniform. The tall, elegant figure stood up from the sofa when he heard me. His eyes curved into crescents as he smiled at me, hands tucked in his trouser pockets. Suddenly, my heart raced so fast it felt like it would burst from my chest. It was as if a light of memory flashed in my brain. Another image of P’Jane flickered over the one in front of me-an image from the past. Back then, he was younger, thinner, and looked more mysterious and cold. His hairstyle was different, but his scent was exactly the same as now. He was standing in a room with mirrors on all sides, radiating a dangerous but irresistible aura. I saw a vision of him as a student. The tall man was still smiling, his eyes sparkling. He stepped closer and gently touched my cheek with his right hand. “Seeing you in your uniform makes me miss the past.” “… ” “You’re just as cute as ever.” Until this moment, I hadn’t seen a single image of the eight lost years.” Hmm?” “l… I… ”

“What is it? Are you okay?” I shook my head and answered quickly, “No, no. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” His sharp eyes scanned me as if trying to X-ray my very soul.

“Just now, it looked like you wanted to say something to me.” But so what? I had only seen a single image. I hadn’t remembered anything more than that. It was just proof of what everyone had been telling me-that we had loved each other since university. But at least… I finally had a piece of him in my memory, even if it was just a tiny fragment. I smiled widely, even though my eyes were a bit misty (so much so that no one would notice unless they were looking closely). I can’t explain how happy I felt.

“I was just going to say… you look really cool in a student uniform.” We had become familiar enough that I had been using our nicknames with him for a while now. The tall man gave a faint smile. “Don’t flatter me. I’m almost thirty-three. Wearing a student uniform is incredibly embarrassing, you know?” “You look handsome. Don’t think too much about it.” The tall man ruffled my hair roughly after I said that. Once again, my heart suddenly spiked-but this time, it beat so hard it actually hurt my chest. Along with that feeling, images of him ruffling my hair until it was a mess in the past… came flooding back, scene by scene. A thick hand rested on my hair, stroking it gently while no one else in the room paid us any attention.

A deep voice spoke with a smile:’ You’re so cute it’s killing me, Little Jane.’ I could only sit in silence, letting him pet my head like a tame dog. I didn’t know why my heart had to race like this; I only knew that in this very second, I realized I truly was “Little Jane” Not just because I was younger or smaller than him-the traits everyone used to judge us and give us those nicknames-but because I truly wanted to be Little Jane. I truly wanted to be the “Little Jane” to his “Big Jane.” Flashback…

“Jane!” Before I could look up, my head was grabbed and vigorously rubbed by two hands. My phone tumbled onto my lap immediately. I knew exactly who it was. Only one person did this.

“P’Jane! Let go of me! Arghhh!” Just the expensive scent-which had recently become so familiar to my nose-was enough to tell me it was him. Today, it was mingled with the scent of a cigarette he’d just finished.

“Got a boyfriend today, do we?”

“Let go, let go, let go! I’m gonna lose this round, damn it! Argh! I died! P’Jane, you jerk!”

“What are you muttering about? I don’t understand a word.” My head was wobbling back and forth under P’Jane’s grip until I was dizzy. I couldn’t fight back at all. Finally, he let go.

“P’Jane! Again! Is my head really that enticing that you have to rush over and ruffle it every single day?”

“I guess so.”

“You jerk! You got me killed! Man… ”

“Argh! P’Jane! Let me goooo!” I screamed when he jumped me from behind, locking me in a hold before a large hand started vigorously messing up my hair. P’Jane must be a total psycho. If he catches me before I see him, he does this every single time. But if we see each other and say hello normally, he doesn’t do it. Isn’t that weird?

“Ugh, my hair is a bird’s nest again,” I grumbled.

“Ow! Ow! Don’t play with my head! Stooop!”

“I just can’t help myself. Here, want some makeup today?”

“P’Jane! Argh! Get that highlighter away! P’Jane! Why are you drawing on my face?! Let goooo!” Everyone roared with laughter as P’Jane put me in a headlock and fluffed my hair into a frenzy again. To make matters worse, he grabbed Namkhing’s pink highlighter and drew something on my left cheek. What even was it? Then, he insisted on buttoning my shirt all the way to the very top button. Madness. Finally, having satisfied himself, he set me free.

“P’Jane! Our group presents first today, man! Hurry up and get ready!”

“Jane, I have to go now.”

“Okay. See you at the condo.” A heavy hand ruffled my hair one last time, gently this time. Then, we went our separate ways. End of flashback… ” Ow! Ow!” I cried out loud, clutching my head with one hand and my heart with the other. P’Jane asked loudly, his voice filled with concern: “Jane! What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“I… I saw a vision of us.”

“A vision? You mean a memory from the past?!”

“Yes. We… we were wearing these student uniforms. And you liked to mess up my hair just like that.”

“Yes-yes! That’s right! What else do you remember?” Despite the chaos, I could hear the sheer joy in his raspy voice.

“And then you took a pink highlighter… and drew a heart on my cheek.”

“You remembered!”

“And… and you liked… you liked buttoning my shirt to the very top.

You wouldn’t stop doing it… Ugh! My head! Help! P’Jane, help me!” I screamed out, collapsing to my knees on the floor. I clutched my head with both hands, doubling over. The pain was so intense it felt like my brain would explode. I wanted to bash my forehead against the ground just to end it, while flashes of P’Jane ruffling my hair or stroking my head in our uniforms flickered like blinking stars.

I saw him buttoning my shirt while I complained and told him to stop. I felt like I was going to vomit or faint. P’Jane knelt beside me and grabbed my elbows.

“Jane! That’s it. We’re going to the hospital right now!”

“There’s nothing abnormal,” said Dr. Methee, the physician who had looked after me since my surgery, after reviewing my EEG results.

“But I believe this is definitely related to your memories returning. How are you feeling now?”

“Normal. It only hurt for a moment.”

“There might be more to it than what we see,” P’Jane interjected with a dead-serious expression.

“Is there a way to know for sure? What can we do for a more detailed check-up?”

“In that case, we’d need an MRI.”

“Everyone, calm down. I think this is escalating too far,” I interrupted.

“I’m fine now. Since it happened because I started to remember, and it only lasted a moment, I think we should just let it go for now.”

“But what if it’s dangerous? What if you have a brain tumor?” P’Jane turned to me, his voice low and tense.

“I just had an MRI less than twenty days ago, P’Jane. It’s probably not that. I don’t want to go back into that tunnel again so soon.”

“I think the possibility of a tumor is almost non-existent,” Dr. Methee added politely.

“And as Mr. Jane said, you just had an MRI very recently. I think it’s better to monitor the symptoms for now. If the pain returns soon, we’ll reconsider. I’ll prescribe some painkillers.”

“Yes, let’s do that,” I quickly agreed, cutting off P’Jane who looked like he wanted to argue.

“WVe won’t disturb you further then. You have a lot of patients today. See you at the next appointment.”

“Yes. See you then.” I stood up. P’Jane didn’t look pleased, but he finally stood up too. As soon as we stepped out of Dr. Methee’s office, I turned to him.

“I’m fine. Really fine. I told you that in the car.”

“You screamed like that; of course I had to bring you for a check-up.”

“I know, but I’m okay now. I’m perfectly fine.” He looked at me with those sharp eyes without saying another word. The words “stubborn kid” practically bounced off his gaze. I quickly changed the subject.

“P’Jane, aren’t you happy I remembered something? Even if it was just a small moment?”

“I am happy.”

“Your face doesn’t look like it.”

“Because I’m worried about you. Who knows, what might happen next?”

“Oh, come on. I’m really okay. And I’m starving. Let’s go find something to eat, and then you can take me where you planned to take me in the first place.”

“No. After we eat, I’m taking you home to rest.”

“P’Jane, don’t be like that. Don’t you think I feel bad enough having my memories gone? Not even remembering my own boyfriend?” I raised my voice, starting to get genuinely annoyed.

“And now that there’s finally some progress, I want to keep going so l can remember more. I know you’re worried, but I’m willing to endure even worse headaches to get my memories back.”

“Pushing yourself won’t help anything. What if the pain makes you faint?”

“So I faint. I’ll wake up. It’s not like I’ll die. P’Jane, you don’t understand how I feel living like this every day. Every day I wake up feeling eighteen, but the truth is I’m twenty-six. My head is hollow-empty. I have no knowledge. I just sit at home letting Dad, Mom, and my boyfriend feed me every day. The only ‘real’ job I can do. is help Dad sell medicine. Everyone says they want me to remember, but believe me, nobody wants it as much as I do.”

“Sigh! Fine, do whatever you want. I don’t have a choice anyway,” I muttered angrily, knowing he wouldn’t change his mind easily.

“Okay. I understand.”

“You mean… ?”

“Exactly as you said.”

“Really?”

“Really.” I beamed. P’Jane shook his head, looking weary yet resigned, and led the way to the hospital cafeteria. I hurried after him.

“P’Jane, can I open the window?”

“Go ahead.” The tall man replied with a faint smile. Receiving permission, I pressed the button to roll down the passenger window. The outside breeze hit my face. I looked at the place before us. with wide-eyed wonder.

It was the university I had always dreamed of attending. No, that’s not quite right. Actually, I did attend this place and graduated. It’s just that all four years of those memories are gone. Even so, I couldn’t stop the excitement of being on campus. My heart pumped with sheer joy. P’Jane circled into the parking garage.

Once parked, we walked around the university. I practically skipped with joy, passing the large pond, the various faculty buildings, and the lush green gardens. I saw a large sign stating that this was ranked as the greenest and most eco-friendly university in Thailand.

“P’Jane! Take a picture of me!”

“We should take one together.”

“Let me get a solo one first!” P’Jane obliged. He watched me frolic around with a fond smile, taking photos everywhere I asked-full body, half body, every pose. He didn’t complain once. We also took several photos together. I wiped the sweat from my face with my sleeve.

“Are you hot? You ran so much your cheeks are all red.”

“A little, but I’m fine.” I fanned my face with my hand and gave him a wide grin. P’Jane smiled back before continuing: “It’s good you’re not tired yet, because there’s something else we have to do.”

“What is it?”

“Come this way.” P’Jane led the way, and I ran after him. He took me to a bicycle that had already been rented. The tall man turned to say: “Our university and bicycles go hand-in-hand, right?” “… ”

“If you don’t ride a bike, it’s like you never really came here.”

I gave him a massive grin. P’Jane hopped onto the bike and squeezed the rubber horn twice while looking at me, signaling for me to get on the back. I laughed and hopped onto the passenger seat, wrapping my arms around his waist. P’Jane pedaled, taking us gliding through the university grounds. I saw many other students cycling past.

Some were heading our way; others were returning to the dorms. I looked around, taking in every detail. The two of us blended in with the students so perfectly that no one would guess we were actually alumni who had graduated years ago. Everything that had happened since we arrived at the university was wonderful and made me so happy.

The only downside was that I wasn’t remembering anything more. I let out a quiet sigh. It would be the greatest thing if I could get all my memories back-especially the university years and every single moment I had with P’Jane. P’Jane explained which building was which as we went. Finally, after gliding across the vast campus, he stopped at a shop to buy two bottles of water to quench our thirst.

Then he continued pedaling, eventually stopping in front of a building that said “International College.” He led me inside. He stepped out for a cigarette for a moment and returned within five minutes. My heart hammered as I stepped inside. This was my faculty building-the place where I had spent four vibrant years. l had always dreamed of the international program, and Dad and Mom had fully supported me during my undergrad, even though the tuition was many times higher than the Thai program, because they valued English proficiency.

And I had succeeded in everything.

“Almost nothing has changed.” P’Jane spoke after scanning the surroundings. It sounded more like he was talking to himself than to me, so I didn’t reply. He pressed the elevator button. The building was empty of students.

“Why is it so empty?” I asked.

“Because the international program follows the American academic calendar. We’re on break right now,” he answered softly.

“Ah… ” I murmured, following him into the elevator. When we reached our floor, he led me toward a classroom. But when he opened the door, I was surprised to find it wasn’t a normal classroom. It was a room surrounded by mirrors on all sides, like a ballroom dance studio. I covered my mouth with both hands, turning to look at P’Jane in shock. His sharp eyes were already fixed on me. He answered the question I hadn’t even asked in a voice that sounded like a spell.

“Yes. This is the room where you said you saw the ‘past me ‘standing.””… ”

“We took ballroom dancing together in this room for two full semesters. It was the class that brought us close enough to fall in love.” “We bonded deeply through this class.”… I was still speechless. P’Jane walked to the center of the room. He stared straight at me and held out his right hand.

“Take my hand.””… ”

“Just like the first time.” “… ”

“And see if you can remember anything more.” The tall man radiated a mysterious, burning aura-a mystery I hadn’t felt from him in a long time. I felt as if I could see a pair of great black wings spreading out from his back. Wings of a demon… I’ve felt this before… I remember… I remember this. The vision I was seeing now was almost identical to the past. In P’Jane’s retinas, there was only the reflection of me and the mirrors. He let a smile play on the left corner of his mouth, his voice sounding seductive.

“Come here… Jenalee.” I stepped forward slowly, one step at a time, until I was standing face-to-face with him. Finally, I placed my hand onto his, which was waiting for me. Instantly, a surge of heat from his large hand raced through my entire body, as if a flame from him had been transferred to me, wrapping us both until we became one. P’Jane pulled me close in a ballroom dance frame.

“W-wait! I don’t remember any of the moves!” The tall man only smiled.

“Try it. Maybe you can’t, but your body can.”

“No way!”

“One, two, three. Go.” As soon as he finished speaking, he tapped his foot twice on the floor, and music began booming from the speakers in every direction. He immediately led me into a Beguine rhythm. My feet almost tangled as I followed him, stepping on his toes several times, but P’Jane didn’t stop. He didn’t even flinch. Finally-I couldn’t believe it–I was actually dancing the Beguine and the Cha-Cha-Cha with him. I spun into his embrace flawlessly and stepped out with grace.

How was I doing this? P’Jane continued: “Now we go with Salsa. Three, two, one. Go.” The music shifted into the exciting, sexy rhythms of Latin America. The drums thundered, sending my adrenaline soaring. I moved my body according to the rhythm he led with incredible agility. We moved beautifully, precisely, and passionately.

P’Jane was dangerously sexy in every salsa move, nearly causing me to lose my focus several times. Finally, we reached the move where I had to spring away and he had to catch me from behind. His long arms slid under both my armpits, supporting my body as I leaned back until I was almost parallel to the floor.

I posed, balancing on one leg with the other bent at the knee. Then, P’Jane gracefully pulled me back up. I spun like a top back into his arms. Our bodies were pressed tight against each other. Both of us were panting, sweat glistening on our faces. P’Jane grinned, his voice raspy.

“See. Your body remembers all the moves.” I was still panting slightly from the dance as I stared into his coal-black eyes. His sharp, sweet gaze was less than a foot away. The tips of our noses were almost touching. My body really did remember every move. I had no idea how it was possible. It was unbelievable, miraculous-the craziest thing ever. I trembled as I felt his handsome face move closer, and closer… Finally, it was so close that his long lashes and the faint freckles on his cheekbones became a blur because they were too close for my eyes to focus.

The tall man tilted his head at the perfect angle for a kiss. I squeezed my eyes shut, my trembling growing worse as my heart hammered against my ribs. My hands shook as if I were ill. Right now, I thought my heartbeat was louder than the salsa drums…. But suddenly, P’Jane released his hold. He let go of me completely and stepped back. He pressed a remote to turn off the music, plunging the room into silence. I understood instantly what was happening. Because I was trembling, he thought I was afraid, and he chose not to force me or do anything against my will. He was being kind, as always. His raspy voice finally spoke after he checked his watch.

“That’s enough for today. It’s past seven already. Let’s go back-” But the tall man couldn’t finish his sentence. Because I was the one who ran to him, stood on my tiptoes, and pressed my lips against his.