Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 65

“Tears are word that heart can’t express.”

Gerard Way

“I’m sad. I miss him. It’s a constant torture,” I vented to my psychiatrist, the words spilling out under pressure. “Even though I thought I made the right decision, I don’t know why I feel this much pain every single day. I decided to tell him it was over because I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to be selfish and waste his feelings. I felt guilty watching him dedicate himself to taking care of me, trying to restore my memories when there was no sign they would ever return. I didn’t want to give him hope anymore. I felt terrible.”

“In that case, let me ask you something,” Dr. Thamolwan said softly. “Jane, what do you think love is?”

“I… I don’t know.” I could only answer like a fool. After an hour of circling back to the story of P’Jane over and over, Dr. Thamolwan gave me a small smile.

“And how long has it been since the breakup?” I swallowed hard.

“We broke up shortly before Christmas.”

“Okay, so nearly three months. What other symptoms are you having? Are you sleeping well? Any nightmares?” I shook my head, my voice faint. “No… I hardly sleep at all.” “Have you been in contact at all since that day?”

“Not at all.”

“Hmm. Based on what you’ve told me, it seems you miss him very much. So, Jane, do you want to go back to him?” “I don’t think I have that right. I can’t go back just to hurt him again and again. He’s already done so much for me. He fought for me so hard.”

“So, you believe walking away was something you did for him, correct?” “Yes. I didn’t want to lie to him.” The doctor scribbled on her clipboard before looking up with a gentle tone.

“Let’s try this. I think you should give yourself some time. Before our next meeting, I want you to try a different perspective. Instead of thinking you had to push him away because you didn’t want to ‘lie’ to him, consider this: you never lied to him. The fact that you remember nothing is the truth. He knew that well, and he stayed by your side willingly.”

“Take this question home to think about: Between having him and not having him, which is better?” Between having him and not having him, which is better? That question haunted my brain for days, like a parasite that jumps out to suck your blood the moment you let your guard down. I missed P’Jane constantly. Every single day. Months had passed, but the longing only intensified. It felt as if one of us had died. No contact. No news. Nothing. Even though it was Chinese New Year and I was wearing a bright red shirt, I didn’t feel festive at all. On the contrary, I felt gloomy, as if a rain cloud were permanently hovering over me. I kept staring at the dried lilac bouquet hanging on the wall. I’d thought about throwing it away a thousand times, but every time I took it down, I ended up putting it back.

I couldn’t let it go. I reached up to touch my neck and felt that familiar pang of loss when I didn’t find the necklace that had once felt like a part of my body. The area felt strangely empty. I’m truly pathetic-I returned it to him ages ago, yet I still forget. I chose this. A fickle, indecisive person like me probably doesn’t even have the right to be sad. Even I’m annoyed with myself; how could anyone else not be? I buried my face in my pillow, letting the waves of emotion take over until the tears started falling again. How many more days must I be like this? I don’t want to worry anyone, but I can’t force myself to be cheerful. It feels like the medicine isn’t helping at all… Knock, knock. “Hey, man. I’m here.” Gap poked his head in without waiting for permission. I didn’t mind; I knew he was coming. Gap was also wearing red, despite not having a drop of Chinese blood in him-likely out of respect for my family’s traditions.

“Whoa, Jane. Did your ancestors curse you or something? You look like total hell.”

“Watch your mouth. My great-grandfather is more likely to curse you for talking like that on New Year’s.”

“If you don’t believe me, go look in the mirror.” I didn’t argue. I just rolled back onto my pillow. With Gap, I didn’t need a shield. I could be as depressed as I wanted because he never judged me; he was the support system that always made me feel safe. He patted my shoulder gently. “Sigh. Fine, Jane.

Just cry it out. I’m right here. You idiot… you’ve been broken up all this time and you only just told me the day before yesterday?”

“I couldn’t… , find the words,” I murmured. “Yeah, yeah. It’s okay. Just cry.” I cried until my nose was stuffed and my head throbbed. Gap sat in silence-a warm, understanding silence. Finally, I spoke.

“I think I’m mentally ill. The doctor gave me so much medicine.”” You aren’t ‘ill, ‘ you moron. You’re just heartbroken.”” Heartbroken? How… ?” “Heartbroken over P’Jane.”

“How can I be heartbroken? I don’t even love him.” Gap let out a long sigh.

“God, you dummy. You were a fool at twenty, and you’re an even bigger fool at eighteen. I don’t want to insult you, but you really are stupid, Jane.” Normally, I would have snapped back or chased him around the room, but right now, I felt so weak that I just let him scold me. I spoke without lifting my face from the pillow.

“I don’t understand.”

“What is there not to understand? You love him. You’re like this because you love him, damn it. That’s why you’re miserable that you broke up.”

“Love? I don’t remember anything… ”

“So what if you don’t remember?! Do you think you can only love him if every single memory returns? Aren’t you obsessing too much over a past that’s gone? If it’s gone, then build a new one! Since you woke up, how many days of happiness did you share with him? The good things you did together were beautiful enough that you didn’t even need the past. So why is it so strange if those days made you fall in love with him all over again?” “… ”

“If your twenty-six-year-old self knew what your eighteen-year-old self decided to do, he’d probably drop dead from grief.” I started sobbing even harder. Gap kept patting my back. I choked out through my tears, “I didn’t want to lie to him. I wanted him to be happy. We both… deserve to be happy.”

“Oh? And is this making anyone happy? Does your current state look anything like happiness? Tears… they are just the heart’s confession.” Gap’s words stunned me. Suddenly, the pressure that had been building in the depths of my heart exploded-the feeling I had constantly told myself I didn’t have or understand. I wailed, my voice echoing through the room. I couldn’t take it anymore. “I love him!””… ”

“I love P’Jane!””… ”

“I really do love him!” “Sigh. Here we go again. Realizing it too late as usual, Jane.” “Why… why do I have to be like this? Why am I always so stupid?” I couldn’t stop crying.

“Because you’re the same person. You’ve always been like this. You’re sensitive, but when it comes to matters of the heart, you try to use logic. When the pieces don’t fit perfectly, you just assume it must not be love.” Yes. That was exactly it.

“Some ‘idiot’ once told me that we only realize we’re in love when it hurts. Whenever we feel tortured… that is love. And that same idiot said love is bittersweet; it’s the thing that makes you want to stay by someone’s side forever, even if it hurts like death.” “And that ‘idiot’ was you when you were twenty-five.” “… ”

“So now, friend… are you in pain?” I nodded, my tears flowing like blood.

“It’s torture. I’m hurting… my whole heart hurts.”

“Yeah, that’s love. So instead of sitting here crying, go find him. Go right now. Give me your phone, I’ll call him for you.” I shook my head.

“I rejected him because of my own stupidity. I broke his heart into pieces twice now. To go back and beg for another chance… wouldn’t that be shameless? I’d look like I have no dignity, like some kind of creep. I can’t do it.”

“Holy shit, I have goosebumps.”

“What?”

“I can’t take it! Goosebumps!” I lifted my head from the pillow when Gap. made that strange sound. He was staring at me in shock. I wiped my tears and asked again, “What? What is wrong with you?”

“You’ve said this before.”

“Said what?”

” You said those exact words!” Flashback…

“If you still have feelings for him… why don’t you try asking for a chance? From what I remember, you two just broke up abruptly, didn’t you?”

“I don’t even know where he is.”

“When you say that, have you even tried looking for him?” “I mean… sort of. But I can’t say I’ve ‘searched’ for him. I’m the one who broke up with him. I broke him, and then to show my face and ask for a chance? It’s shameless. It’s like I have no sense of decency.”

“When it comes to love, anyone can be a ‘shameless’ person. And you miss him this much… you’re just a late bloomer when it comes to your own feelings.”

“Like I said, I looked for him a bit. But to fly out and search for him? I’m sure I’d come back empty-handed. America isn’t a place I’m familiar with. I don’t even know what part of Bridgeport he’s in.”

“Khing is my friend. She asked me to bring it to you, so I did. You don’t like ginger, so why are you taking your anger out on me?”

“Stop talking like an idiot.”

“An idiot how?”

“He’s not mad because he doesn’t like Khing. He’s mad because you had the nerve to take someone else’s love and offer it to him!”

“What… what are you saying?” I hiccupped after gulping down another half-glass of liquor. The alcohol I’d been drinking since before 9: 00 PM was starting to numb my body.

“Have you admitted to yourself yet that you like him? Only when you admit that can I explain the rest.”

“Can you not talk like that?”

“No. Because I’m tired of dancing around it. You like him, Jane. Just admit it. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

End of the Flashback Gap’s words made me cry even harder. Yes… I loved P’Jane. The reason I was in such agony right now was because I loved him so much-loved him so much that it hurt every time he ignored me.

“Jane, you really are a complete idiot!”

“What are you talking about? Are you going to tell me or not? You’re annoying me!” I barked as Gap shook me excitedly without stopping.

“Jane, listen to me carefully. We’ve had this exact conversation before. Both when you were twenty and didn’t realize you loved him, and when you were twenty-five and he had left and you couldn’t find him. You’re expressing yourself with the exact same words and symptoms.”

“Which means… ?”

“It means that no matter what happens or how much you grow, you are always the same person.” Gap spoke with the deepest, most serious tone I’d ever heard from him.

“Because everyone can develop, but you can’t change the foundation of your identity. And that includes the thought processes in your subconscious.”

“The process of thinking, not the thoughts themselves. Those two aren’t the same,” Gap countered immediately, as if reading my mind.

“That’s why you do the same things, say the same things, and fall for the same person. You didn’t recognize your own heart and broke P’Jane’s heart again, trapped in the same old cycle of confusion. You ended up saying the same things like a copy-paste. Soon, your longing will grow just like it did when you were twenty-six.”

“And you will fall in love with P’Jane all over again.” I remained silent.

“The reason you weren’t as fragile or sensitive at twenty-six was because you had already passed through a brutal lesson in love and life experience. But the reason you don’t understand yourself now and are making the same mistakes is because you are currently the version of yourself that hasn’t gone through anything yet. Whether you have amnesia or a perfect memory, you will always be like this. It’s like a woman who has an abusive boyfriend; even when she finds someone new, the new guy often has the same personality, look, or taste. We are subconsciously drawn to the same ‘type.’ It’s called Imago Theory by Harville Hendrix.” Gap continued to explain fluently, as if he had prepared a script.

“This theory also explains that everyone has psychological deficits from childhood. When we grow up, we are subconsciously attracted to people who possess what we lack. You are someone who lacks self-confidence; you live a simple, predictable life. P’Jane is high-confidence, brilliant, mysterious, and exciting. He brings excitement to your life. He’s the unpredictable bad boy. That’s why, even if you think he’s not your ‘type, ‘ you fall for him every single time. It’s a recurring pattern.” I listened to Gap intently, my eyes fixed on him.

“As for him, even though he’s filthy rich, he grew up as a child of divorce. That made him cold and hardened. He’s drawn to you because you have a warm family. Even though you’re sensitive, you have a gentle heart-you’re kind and honest. You are the purity he doesn’t have. That’s why even if you leave him ten more times, he’ll never be able to give up on you.” We were silent for a long moment. I blinked several times before speaking softly.

“So you’re saying… no matter what, I will fall for P’Jane, and he will fall for me?” I pushed Gap away.

“That’s bullshit. What kind of theory is that? It sounds unreliable. I don’t believe it. People can change their thought processes, otherwise, why would humans ever change partners?”

“Ugh! I told you the process and the thoughts are different things!”” You’re just making things up.”

“I’m serious! Believe me, I studied this!”

“How? You didn’t even study health sciences.”

“I learned it from a podcast! I listen every day while driving, it just sinks in.” I sighed deeply and collapsed back onto the bed. My brain was working like a machine. Why did everything Gap said feel so right? It perfectly answered why I loved P’Jane even though I always thought he wasn’t my type. But none of that mattered as much as the fact that I had ruined it again. I didn’t just break him; I broke us. And I didn’t know how to fix it.” So… what should I do?” Gap pulled me up from the bed immediately.

“First, stop lying there like you’re waiting to die. Go find him. Tell him how much you love him. Don’t worry about being shameless. When it comes to love, everyone is allowed to be a little shameless.”

“Am I annoying, being like this?”

“No. But even if you were, so what? This is love. Even the smartest people act like fools and repeat mistakes. If anyone doesn’t understand and finds you annoying, they’re just judging your story by their own standards, forgetting that this is your love story.”

“Why do you understand us so well? P’Jane is so smart, why didn’t he know I fell for him again?”

“Who is smarter than Love? No one. No matter how brilliant P’Jane is, Love will always be one step ahead of him.” Gap gave me a small smile.

“This time, you know where he is. It’s not like back then. Don’t let it be too late.” During the Chinese New Year shopping at Yaowarat, amidst the chaos of the crowd and a lion dance procession, a string of firecrackers exploded. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! The world slowed down. The sound of firecrackers merged with the sound of gunshots from eight years ago in that dusty warehouse. Two bullets fired to kill me.

“Aaaaaagh!” I screamed, clutching my head as I fell to my knees. The “bell” in my mind rang violently. Suddenly, I could smell the gunpowder and smoke from that day. Every memory of the past eight years flooded back like a high-speed film reel. I saw the day I started university. The day I graduated. And I saw that man… with his wicked smile, the locket necklace, and the blood-red inverted cross. I heard his voice echoing: “If we have to break up again, my heart can’t take it… I’d rather die!”

“P! P, are you okay?” I jolted awake, drenched in sweat. I looked at the worried faces of Jean, Mom, and Gap. I felt like a locked chest that had finally been opened.

“I love him… I’ve always loved him,” I whispered.

“What did you say, P? Mom, do you have smelling salts?”

“I’ve got it… I remember everything now!” No matter how many times, it was always him. No matter the form, the time, or the year. No matter if I lost my memory a thousand times-I would always fall for him again. Jane Patrick was the only answer to everything. I scrambled up from the ground.

“Move! I have to go!”” Go where? You’re going to the hospital!”

“Let me go!” I pushed Gap aside and ran through the crowd, my heart racing. I hailed a taxi, realized my wallet was gone (probably dropped when I fell), but I didn’t care. I reached his mansion and rang the bell like a madman.

“P’Jane! P’Jane!” I burst into the house. I ran to his bedroom balcony and saw him standing below, a lonely figure smoking a cigarette. My heart hammered against my ribs. I ran down the stairs and out into the garden at full speed.

“P’JANE!!” He spun around. I smiled wide, running even faster. He took the cigarette out of his mouth, shouting something I couldn’t hear. I didn’t care. I was going to throw myself into his arms. I wasn’t going to wait another minute.

“I REMEMBER EVERYTHING NOW!” I screamed. He was still yelling something, trying to warn me as l got closer.

“Don’t come any closer! Back up!” But I couldn’t stop. SPLASH!! We both tumbled into the massive, newly-dug koi pond.

“Cough! Cough! Jane, are you okay? Did you swallow water?”

“I’m fine,” I replied, coughing until my face turned red. We were both soaking wet, looking like two drowned puppies while colorful koi fish swam around us. P’Jane wiped the water from his face, looking quite annoyed because I had tackled him so hard he’d done a backflip into the pond.

“I told you not to come closer! Why did you dive in like Rambo?”

“Hehe.” I just gave him a toothy grin. This wasn’t exactly the reunion I had imagined. And when did he dig this giant fish pond anyway? Good grief… But then, I made it even more unexpected by saying: “Uh, P’… can I borrow some money to pay for the taxi?” Epilogue Jane2 I choose you. And I’ll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you. – Anonymous “You’ve gotten so thin.””… ”

“Your hair is longer, too.” I smiled.

“You grew a mustache.”

“I just haven’t shaved. I didn’t mean to grow it out,” he answered with a faint smile as I reached out to poke the stubble above his upper lip. We lay there naked, soaking up each other’s warmth under the vast blankets of his bed. There was no need for long explanations. P’Jane didn’t press me for anything. I told him that I remembered everything now, and how it happened. He responded with a wide grin, bright eyes, a crushing hug, and a long, passionate bout of lovemaking. I knew he had wasted away out of heartbreak over me. I could feel the sorrow of our separation without him having to utter a word. And besides, that wasn’t “Big Jane’s” style. My Big Jane was never a man of many words. But now, I was here. I was here to make it up to him, with interest. I was here to tell him: “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jane.”

“And my heart will be loyal to this Jane Patrick forever.” I repeated the sentence he once wrote in a letter, simply swapping the pronouns. Even though we are as different as black and white, like yin and yang at opposite poles, the best part of this love is that he makes me stronger, and I make him a warmer person. Everything happens for a reason. I had to get hurt and lose my memory… so that P’Jane could reflect on many. things regarding us. If it hadn’t happened, he might never have known whether I or his “dream” was more important. He wouldn’t have known what he loved more, or if he was willing to give up or change himself for me, after I had changed so much for him.

And P’Jane had to leave back then so that I could realize just how much I loved him-to the point where I was ready to defy all my beliefs just to stand by his side. I went from a sensitive boy to someone who would pick up a gun to protect the one he loved. And he went from a cold-blooded, ambitious man playing God to someone who surrendered that power for the sake of another.

We are a perfect fit. Like a key and a lock that click together perfectly, the only pair of its kind in the world. Only Big Jane and Little Jane deserve to love each other. Even if I searched the entire universe, I would never find anyone like him. And he would never find anyone like me. Thank heavens we are no longer just a tear-stained memory for one another.

“I think ‘Mr. Lilac’ needs to give Gap a raise.”

“Gap’s been a manager for a while now. He’s doing great, but he’ll probably get a massive jump in salary by the end of the year. Plus a bonus.”

“Because he helped me realize I love you?”

“Yes. That was more important than the work.” I laughed, then looked into his eyes seriously.

“I still can’t believe you really gave up granting people’s ‘requests ‘because of me.”

“I can’t believe it either.”

“How long has it been since you stopped?”

“A year now.”

“Do you feel… strange?” He smiled but didn’t answer.

“Should you go back to it?” I was the one who asked.

“I wanted to see you succeed in becoming a ‘God’.” “… ”

“I don’t want you to give up your dream, because I can accept every part of you.” He simply sent a gentle smile my way. Those sharp, sweet eyes were full of happiness.

“Speaking of which… that time in the warehouse. I can’t believe a man like you would cry out to God.”

“I still don’t believe in God,” he countered.

“Then are you interested in becoming a Buddhist like me?”

“Please. My only religion is Jane Patrick, which has Jane Patrick as its founder.”

“Then who was the first disciple?”

“Jamie.” I laughed loudly and moved in to kiss his lips. The key-shaped necklace rested lightly on my chest. Finally, it was back where it belonged-not in his pocket, not anywhere else, but around my neck. Only on this Jane. As he kissed me back, the prickle of his stubble made me shiver. When we finally pulled apart from the sweet kiss, I smiled.

“You know, everything that happened gave me one firm conviction.”

“What conviction?”

“That every pain we face seems to lead us toward a greater life.” “And you are the greatest gift.” P’Jane beamed.

“You are my greatest gift as well, Jane.” I stared into his deep black eyes, stroking his lean cheek. My brain and heart remembered every detail-from the first time I made eye contact with him sitting in the bleachers, to the moment we fell into the koi pond together. Life for Big Jane and Little Jane continued in total bliss. I moved into his house; we were joined at the hip like Siamese twins. P’Jane never wanted to leave me for work. We ate together, watched Netflix, listened to him play music, and went out whenever we could. We had passionate sex wherever we pleased. We never grew bored of just lounging in bed forever, just to look at each other’s faces.

“P’Jane, that’s enough. Don’t you have an appointment?”

“I don’t want to go. I’d rather stay here with you.”

“Oh stop!” I laughed as he peppered my neck with ticklish kisses.

“Maybe I should just quit everything. Stay with you all day. Even if I don’t work, we have enough to eat for a lifetime anyway.”

“Don’t you dare quit!” I swatted his shoulder. Being a child of a Chinese family, I was raised to be diligent. Even if you’re rich, you never stop. My dad taught us from childhood that laziness is a rot that sinks the ship.

“Go on now. You’re the one who said, ‘Showing up on time is late. Showing up five minutes early is on time’.”

“That sounds so American.”

“Yes! And it’s from you!” I kept laughing. P’Jane finally tore himself away, getting up to dress and apply his cologne with the utmost reluctance. He lingered by the door a bit longer, but finally, his tall frame disappeared after a kiss so heated the bed almost caught fire again. I had to stop him, fearing we’d end up in another round and he’d miss his work. Alone now, I stretched to ease my stiff muscles. I grabbed a t-shirt from a pile on the bed and pulled it on, then opened my MacBook to listen to classical music on YouTube. Once again, the music made me think of my lover-of the way his long fingers danced across the piano keys…

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. I eagerly opened Word before the spark could fade. My fingers flew across the keys until the prologue and the first chapter were finished. I reread them, a smile spreading across my face, satisfied with the start. But what should I call this novel? Ah, I knew. This was the most fitting title.

I typed it at the very top of the page: Rule No. 1: “Don’t be too emotional.” #Don’tRequestPJane Even though he said he was going to “work,” today was simply a consultation. His “office” was just downstairs. The tall man turned the antique gold doorknob into the room. A custom-made black sign with shimmering gold letters sat prominently on the desk: Dr.

Jane Patrick Palakorn, Psychologist He turned on the air conditioner and the air purifier before sinking into his black ergonomic chair. He tapped the ash from his cigarette into a glass ashtray and took a slow, savory drag. He waited less than ten minutes before his guest appeared. He extinguished the cigarette and used hand sanitizer, calmly telling the housekeeper to clear the tray and bring coffee for the guest in his deep, commanding voice.

Once the door clicked shut, the two of them were left alone in the silence. Jane Patrick interlaced his ten fingers below eye level, elbows resting on the teak desk. His handsome, rugged face held a mysterious, charming expression as he studied the person sitting across from him. The sharp needle hidden within his locket pendant practically begged to be used again.

A wicked smile played on his lips. Terrifyingly handsome. Chillingly attractive. His deep, husky, seductive voice spoke with easy comfort: “So… what is it you’ve come to ask of me?”