Deep in the Act: Chapter 20

At five fifteen on Thursday afternoon, after seeing off the last patient, Fang Chi tiredly packed up his things. Five minutes later, carrying his briefcase, he opened the clinic door. He was surprised to see Gao Zhun on the long bench in the waiting area, with neatly combed short hair, wearing a gray British style small suit. “Doctor Fang,” his voice trembled. “Sorry, I came on my own.”

They had just seen each other yesterday, more than an hour of treatment, aggressive questioning and laying everything bare. Fang Chi said to Secretary Li, “You can get off work.”

“It’s fine,” Secretary Li very dutifully flipped out the registration book. “If there’s a temporary patient, it is nothing for me to wait a bit longer.”

“No need,” Fang Chi turned on the clinic lights and called out to Gao Zhun. “He is my friend.”

After entering the room, Gao Zhun was always trembling with fear, his eyes following Fang Chi as he moved, watching him put down his briefcase, take out materials and a glasses case from the bag, take off his suit and hang it on the coat rack, rotate his neck, then look at him. “Mr. Gao, what is it?”

“I…” Gao Zhun’s eyes flickered. “I’m fine, I just wanted to see you…” He fidgeted, thinking back and forth, and finally said, “Is your time free, can we… change it to twice a week?”

Fang Chi silently stared at him, somewhat cautious and somewhat amused. Gao Zhun panicked, very afraid he would be unhappy. “N, never mind, if it doesn’t work…”

“Is this time convenient for you every day?” Fang Chi interrupted him. “Five thirty to six thirty.”

Gao Zhun’s eyes went wide, clumsily hiding his inner wild joy. “I’m free!”

“For our treatment, I want to change it to once a day,” Fang Chi grabbed the record book and pen, smiling as he walked toward him. “Do you think that is okay?”

Gao Zhun didn’t need to answer at all. His slanted eyes, his slightly red cheeks, his tightly pressed lips, were all answering Fang Chi. He could do it, he would be overjoyed. “Doctor Fang you know, Linlin isn’t here, I’m alone, very scared…”

He was rationalizing his unusually strong dependence. Fang Chi nodded. “How did you feel going back yesterday?”

Gao Zhun took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m not alone anymore. Being able to say it, I’m very grateful…” His fingers repeatedly rubbed the embroidery on the bottom of his suit. “Before I thought, if people knew about that thing, I would go die. But now you know, I instead feel like I’ve come back to life.”

When he said this, his whole person was burning hot, a temperature that almost burned Fang Chi too. But Fang Chi pretended to be cold. “Mr. Gao, today let us talk about your dreams.”

Hearing the word “dream,” Gao Zhun’s face stiffened a bit. Fang Chi certainly wouldn’t give him a chance to object. “You have serious sleep problems because of dreams. Last time you called me at night was also because of a nightmare. I want to know about those dreams.”

“It is that thing…” Gao Zhun wanted to be vague about it.

Fang Chi took off the pen cap. “Tell me the details.”

Gao Zhun showed his hurt expression again. “He took off my pants, rubbed his hardened lower body against me… he entered me!”

“In the dream, what was different from reality?”

Gao Zhun clearly didn’t expect him to ask this. After brief shock, as if accepting his fate, he said, “Sometimes it is not in the car…”

“Then where is it?”

“In…” Gao Zhun clenched his fist tight then loosened it. “In bed.”

Even Fang Chi couldn’t help being surprised. “You and him, in bed?”

Gao Zhun looked at him pleadingly. “I lay on the bed like I was drunk, with no strength. He stood opposite me. I saw… he wore nothing, his thing sticking up high against his belly, an erect man.”

Fang Chi felt strange about himself, subconsciously using the record book to cover his crotch. Gao Zhun didn’t notice his abnormality, and continued, “The room was very dark, but there were mirrors on all four sides. I saw him climb up in the mirror, then press down on me, and say in my ear…”

“What did he say?”

“He said…” Gao Zhun started trembling. “He said he was going to buy me.”

Without realizing it, Fang Chi stopped the pen in his hand, listening to him with his whole being. “He toyed with me like a plaything. I was tossed around by him like a whore. It still hurt very much. He was very thick and big. I completely couldn’t handle him…”

“What other reactions did you have?”

“I screamed,” Gao Zhun’s face was completely red. “Because it was in a room, I screamed without caring.”

“Did you orgasm?”

Gao Zhun nodded pitifully. “He kept playing with me. I couldn’t control it.”

Fang Chi felt there was a ball of fire below his waist, and also a ball of fire in his heart. The lower one was lust, the upper one was anger. “Besides him, have you dreamed of anyone else?” He added sharply, “Besides me.”

Gao Zhun clearly hesitated, then said, “No.”

Fang Chi finally found an outlet for the ball of fire in his heart. He slapped the pen on the record paper and said sternly, “You think I can’t tell you’re lying?”

Gao Zhun surrendered, leaning his body forward, anxiously defending himself. “Only once!”

Fang Chi discovered to his dismay that when Gao Zhun gave in, his anger only grew stronger. “Who was it?”

“It was…” Gao Zhun still wanted to hide it. Fang Chi’s expression told him he couldn’t hide it. So Gao Zhun said, “It was Justin.”

Fang Chi had guessed this name long ago. “Why him?”

“Because he makes me very scared,” Gao Zhun fell into a state similar to a flashback. “Before there was an auction in Macau, I brought him along. At the dinner he drank too much. When going back to the room, he pinned me against the hotel corridor… He seemed to have an erection, I couldn’t be sure, maybe it was a phone…”

“Did this kind of thing happen again?”

“There was also an Expressionism touring exhibition. There was a piece showing same sex… sex,” Gao Zhun secretly observed Fang Chi’s expression. “When he and I were studying the piece, he asked me if I had watched Spring Fever. I had watched it, but I said no.”

“What is Spring Fever?” Fang Chi asked.

“A movie about male homosexuality,” Gao Zhun nervously tightened his fingers. “There’s a scene in a bathroom inside, very… that.”

Fang Chi frowned. “Why do you watch this kind of film?”

“I like Lou Ye. I’ve watched all his films,” afraid Fang Chi would misunderstand, Gao Zhun explained again. “Many people in our line like him. His shots are very beautiful.”

Fang Chi didn’t want to get tangled up in these side branches. “Tell me about your dreams with Justin.”

Gao Zhun didn’t want to say it, resisting with silence. Fang Chi waited a while, glanced at his watch. “How about we stop here for today.”

He made a move to end the session. Gao Zhun immediately said, “Cezanne has a painting called The Rape. Have you seen it?”

That was a very visually striking painting. Evening forest, bluish purple reefs, a pale woman seized by the waist by a crimson man. It happened that Fang Chi had seen it, in a cognitive psychology class, but he said no. “Describe it.”

“It is just…” Gao Zhun struggled to find words. “A man, in the wild with a woman… he forces her. In the dream Justin forced me like that,” he no longer knew what expression to use facing Fang Chi, embarrassedly covering his mouth and nose. “I resisted, really, but he wouldn’t let me go. I twisted desperately. It was no use…”

Fang Chi was fully erect. He hated his own sexual desire, and was even more annoyed by this unprofessional stress response. But in the end, he redirected his anger at Gao Zhun. “You felt pleasure, didn’t you?”

“I…” Gao Zhun wanted to refute, but racked his brains and found nothing to say.

“Having pleasure in a dream, the body is also very likely to react,” Fang Chi made a movement, which was shaking his head, indicating negative evaluation. “Maybe when you woke up you found you had a wet dream.”

“No!” Gao Zhun stood up excitedly, red around the eyes, anxiously declaring to Fang Chi. “With him absolutely not!”

Fang Chi looked at him provocatively. “Then with who?”

Gao Zhun opened his mouth empty, his eyelashes trembled, and he collapsed back into his seat. Fang Chi knew him too well. As long as he was a little gentle with him, he would tell everything. “Tell me, with who?”

His Adam’s apple moved up and down. Gao Zhun shamefully closed his eyes. “With you…”

“Was it that time?” Fang Chi was referring to the time he turned into a woman in the dream. He didn’t expect Gao Zhun to foolishly say, “Every time.”

The pen slid off his knee, falling to the ground with a ding sound. Even Fang Chi’s voice was a bit shaky. “Many times?”

Gao Zhun panickedly grabbed at his suit pants fabric. “Sorry…” He kept repeating these three words. “Sorry I dirtied you. I have no shame. I’m sick!”

Fang Chi was a bit slow to react. “Did I also… force you like they did?”

“No,” Gao Zhun hung his head deeply. “When I was with you, I was willing.”

His heart started beating wildly. Fang Chi could no longer maintain the image of a doctor. “What willing or not willing…”

“It is true,” Gao Zhun was so fragile he almost cried. “In the dream, I felt something enter from behind, burning hot, rubbing fiercely. I pushed with my hands and kicked with my feet. Then I saw it was your face, and I…”

Fang Chi breathed rapidly, his palm pressing hard on the record paper. “Continue, I want to hear.”

Gao Zhun was immersed in his own world, self blaming and murmuring. “At first I couldn’t believe it was you. I touched your face, gently… You hugged me tightly, panting heavily on top of me. I felt it hurt less. My legs unconsciously… spread wider. This is a dream, I know, so I hugged you and cried on your shoulder.”

“Why cry?” Fang Chi couldn’t sit still, and speaking was also a bit labored.

“Because you finally came,” Gao Zhun raised his head, on his pale face only his lips were bright red. “To save me.”

Fang Chi was speechless, denying in panic. “That wasn’t me. It was just my face.”

“The body was also you.” Gao Zhun said stubbornly.

Fang Chi found it funny. “How do you know?”

Gao Zhun said in a small voice, “I know.”

Fang Chi remembered, Gao Zhun had said he had precise body analysis ability. So in those dreams, he was indeed naked and having sex with him. “I made you orgasm?”

Gao Zhun’s two hands twisted together, twisting so hard they almost broke. “When I woke up, the bedsheet was wet.”

Fang Chi comforted him. “This isn’t your fault. Dreams are the subconscious. You can’t control it.”

Gao Zhun shook his head with tears in his eyes. “Sometimes…” He hunched his shoulders. “In order to fall asleep, I would fantasize about you lying beside me, or pressing on top of me. I fantasize about you touching me, talking to me, like those exercises we did,” he trembled slightly. “When I’m really scared, I fantasize about us having sex, crazily having sex, like dying together…”

Fang Chi swallowed a mouthful of saliva. “When you were with me… what did it feel like?”

“Very comfortable, so comfortable my brain went numb. Somewhere inside my body… some place inside, as long as you touch it, my whole person melts. Whatever you want I’ll listen to you. My body was soaking wet, especially between my legs…”

Fang Chi couldn’t listen anymore. If he listened more he would go crazy. “Then with Zuo Linlin,” he changed the subject. “I mean, after that thing, did you two…”

“No,” Gao Zhun used three consecutive nos. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t get hard.”

Fang Chi asked again, “Besides dreaming, have you looked for other men?”

Gao Zhun stared at him in disbelief. Fang Chi said, “It is like this. Some rape victims will show promiscuous behavior, which belongs to concurrent symptoms of PTSD, and is also within the scope of treatment.”

Gao Zhun wasn’t hearing PTSD for the first time. He knew what it meant. “So it is basically confirmed, I have post traumatic stress disorder?”

“Basically it can be determined,” Fang Chi changed his sitting posture, to let his swollen lower body cool down. “You didn’t call the police afterwards, right.”

Gao Zhun said no. Fang Chi frowned. “Have you thought about it, your residential compound is so tightly secured, how did he get in? And the surveillance and semen, you didn’t preserve any of this important evidence.”

Hearing him say “semen,” Gao Zhun’s face changed with humiliation. But Fang Chi said something that scared him even more. “Have you been tested for HIV?”

Gao Zhun had never thought of this. His pupils suddenly dilated, and he asked tremblingly, “Could it…”

Fang Chi sighed. “This weekend, no, tomorrow, I’ll go with you,” he stood up. “Let us stop here for today,” he didn’t put down the paper and pen, but held them in front of his crotch. “I need to use the restroom.”

Gao Zhun sat dumbly in the chair waiting. He waited a long time but Fang Chi didn’t come back. His mind was full of HIV. He unintentionally glanced toward the restroom, suddenly thought of something, and his face flushed red.