Deep in the Act: Chapter 10

The new secretary’s surname was Li, in her forties, looking like a gentle and reliable person. She showed Gao Zhun into the consultation room, nodded at Fang Chi, closed the door, and went out.

“Doctor Fang.” Gao Zhun’s gaze somewhat avoided him, but the corners of his lips were pressed together, holding back a smile that couldn’t be concealed.

“In a good mood today?” Fang Chi of course sensed it, showing a smile like an old friend.

Gao Zhun smiled even deeper. “Being able to come to counseling again… I’m very happy.” He was like a shy child, his face slightly red. The more he wanted to smile, the harder he tried to hold it in. This kind of child always made people want to dote on him.

Fang Chi noticed that he seemed completely unconcerned about the closed door behind him. No sweating, no fear. “Please sit,” he walked over with paper and pen. “Today let’s try the physical contact exercise we talked about last time.”

Gao Zhun didn’t sit down. Instead he took a deep breath, his two hands trembling as he placed them on his suit buttons. “About the air conditioner… I think you had a point.” Facing Fang Chi, he began to undress. One button. Two buttons. His open chest. His cinched waistline. That appearance of giving his all made Fang Chi unconsciously swallow, his throat feeling somewhat tight.

Actually this action was somewhat abrupt, somewhat forced. Fang Chi knew that Gao Zhun was doing this entirely to please him. But he didn’t interrupt. He watched him continue. Gao Zhun gently draped his suit, still warm with body heat, over the back of the chair. Then slowly and determinedly, he touched his tie. Today he was wearing an ascot tie, black and white patterned, very refined.

He grabbed the knot and pulled lightly. The silk tie came loose, hanging lightly and obediently against his chest. “I practiced as you said. Is this alright?”

My god! Fang Chi couldn’t speak for a long time. This was the first time a man had undressed and untied his tie specifically for him to see. It was also the first time he had watched a man undress and felt awkward. “Mr. Gao,” he coughed. “You did very well… I want to ask, when you were doing these exercises at home, what were you thinking about?”

Gao Zhun answered matter of factly. “Thinking of you,” he clutched the tie in his hand. “I imagined you watching me from across, just like right now. You encouraged me, gave me courage.”

Fang Chi shook his head. “No, you shouldn’t do anything for me. You should do it for yourself. For example, untying the tie, you should think about liberation, not about making me happy.”

Gao Zhun grew nervous. His hand clutching the tie didn’t know where to put it. He seemed to want to tie it back on. Fang Chi noticed and immediately leaned forward to grab his hand, saying gently. “It’s fine. Take your time.”

They stood very close. Close enough to see their own faces reflected in each other’s pupils. Fang Chi was surprised. So this was how he looked in his eyes. Eager, honest, sincere. He took another step forward, almost pressing against his face. “Can you accept this distance?”

Gao Zhun immediately lowered his head, with a laugh in his voice. “This… is very strange.”

It was the kind of laugh like when a good friend tickles you. Fang Chi felt that Gao Zhun had completely lost all guard against him. “I might come across as somewhat aggressive,” he took another step toward him. This time Gao Zhun retreated. Fang Chi asked. “Why are you dodging? That night we were hugging each other. Why are you afraid now?”

“I… I don’t know,” Gao Zhun showed anxiety. His breathing began to quicken. “At night… I couldn’t see your face. Right now like this…”

Fang Chi took another step. Gao Zhun, red at the corners of his eyes, retreated again. Fang Chi could see he was trying his best to adapt. Actually for two men, this distance had already far exceeded the standard. But he just didn’t want to stop. He knew this counted as a slight sadistic tendency. He was simply indulging himself.

His back hit the wall. Gao Zhun had nowhere left to retreat. Fang Chi was two centimeters in front of him. His exhaled breath kept spraying on his forehead. He closed his eyes, thinking Fang Chi would come even closer. But he didn’t. Fang Chi backed away a bit and said softly. “Next let’s try touching.”

Touch where? This was a question. He had worked with PTSD patients before, done similar treatments. Experience told him starting from the shoulder was a good idea. But with Gao Zhun as the subject, he planned to try a different approach. “Mr. Gao, for human beings as animals, everything below the chest and above the knees counts as a sensitive area. So…” He waved his long fingers in front of his eyes. “Can I touch your face?”

He successfully drew Gao Zhun’s attention. This technique could greatly heighten the subject’s sensitivity. Gao Zhun’s gaze wandered between him and those fingers, showing a timid expression. “If it’s just touching…”

Fang Chi laughed. “What else could it be.”

Gao Zhun was stunned for a moment, then awkwardly lowered his head. Fang Chi tentatively placed his palm on his forehead. There was sweat at his temples. It seemed he was still nervous. “Relax. If you feel uncomfortable, imagine me as a woman.”

Gao Zhun didn’t speak, stubbornly enduring. Fang Chi’s fingers slid down along his nose bridge, lightly tapping the tip of his nose, landing on the philtrum. The flesh here was very soft. His fingers paused briefly, sliding over the slightly upturned lip, pressing once at the depression of the lower lip line, continuing downward. Chin bone. Adam’s apple. Collar. Rapidly heaving chest. Upper abdomen. Taut stomach muscles. Until the Versace metal belt buckle. He stopped. “Then the limbs.”

His large hands moved to both sides at his waist, sliding up along his ribs to his armpits. Maybe it was ticklish, maybe it was uncomfortable. Gao Zhun was trembling, biting his lip hard. Fang Chi freed a hand to flick it. “Don’t bite.”

“Can… can we stop…” Gao Zhun looked at him pleadingly. “It’s very strange.”

“Bear with it a bit more,” Fang Chi moved along his upper arm, shoulder, forearm in sequence until he reached his wrist. He circled it and gripped it. Then his palm turned upward, pressing palm to palm with him. Gao Zhun suddenly looked at him, with a strange gaze. Fang Chi noticed, just puzzled, when Gao Zhun moved his fingers, entwining with him, interlacing their ten fingers. It was just a split second. Both of them froze. Gao Zhun quickly withdrew his hand, his face flushing red. “I… I’m sorry!”

Fang Chi furrowed his brow, as if realizing something. Gao Zhun hurriedly explained to him. “I’m sorry, I haven’t shaken hands with anyone in a long time. And I was too nervous…”

“Shh…” Fang Chi soothed him. “It’s fine. When you’re with me, you can do anything. Do what you want to do.”

Gao Zhun looked at him with something like reproach, as if hoping he would stop. But Fang Chi had no intention of backing down. He squatted down close to him. “Next are the legs.” To ease the atmosphere, he joked. “Don’t kick me, okay.”

Gao Zhun didn’t laugh. Fang Chi felt his whole body was tense, his two legs clamped tightly shut. He grasped that beautiful thigh muscle. “Open them a little, can you?”

Gao Zhun didn’t move. He couldn’t force him either. His hand slid down along the fine suit fabric, covering the knee, moving down the calf, circling at the ankle. Then he planned to return the same way. Gao Zhun had been doing his best to cooperate. But when his hand moved upward from below, Gao Zhun couldn’t take it anymore. His two hands pressed down hard on his hand, not letting him go any higher. “Don’t… don’t…”

“Why are you trembling?” Fang Chi asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not lying, I really don’t know!” He began to push and shove at Fang Chi. Fang Chi was surprised at first, but quickly realized this might be an opportunity. So he symbolically pulled and tugged with him. He only used very little force. But Gao Zhun’s reaction was huge, like a fish caught in a net and pulled from the water, struggling desperately in his embrace. His brow bone was scratched. His cheek took a punch. But he still firmly held Gao Zhun’s wrist, flipping him over and pressing him against the wall from behind, using his whole body’s strength to pin him down.

Gao Zhun was in tears, without any ability to resist. Fang Chi gradually relaxed his body, panting as he said. “Tell me, what does it feel like?”

Gao Zhun couldn’t speak. His shoulders and back trembled again and again. Fang Chi supported his waist, gently turning him over. That appearance he would never forget in his lifetime. Like torn velvet, like shattered glass shards scattered on the ground. His face was a mess from crying. In the mess there was petulance and anger. He hurriedly wiped his tears, repeating over and over. “Alright alright, it’s fine.”

Gao Zhun’s tears seemed unstoppable, pooling in his palm, trickling down along his wrist. Fang Chi grew a bit anxious. Like that night, he hugged him, slowly stroking his back. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to know what happened to you.”

Hearing these words, Gao Zhun seemed to want to bury himself, drilling deeper into his embrace. Fang Chi sighed, comforting this burning body wrapped in expensive fabric. “Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now?”

“You’re too cruel…” The voice seemed to come from deep in his chest. “Like you’re trying to strip me bare.”

Fang Chi didn’t catch the deeper meaning in his words. “I promise, I will never treat you like this again. I will never make you cry again.”

“I’ve already cried too much…”

Fang Chi had a sudden inspiration, thinking of a technique commonly used in Gestalt therapy. “If right now you weren’t you, but your tears, what do you think they would say?”

“They would say…” Gao Zhun’s voice was muffled. “No matter who it is, catch me, hold me, take me in. Even if you use your body heat to evaporate me dry!”

Fang Chi hadn’t expected his inner dialogue to be so desperate. “You feel like no one wants you?”

Gao Zhun nodded. “My mother only wants me to earn face for her. Linlin… she has Prada and Louis Vuitton, that’s enough for her.”

“You’re too negative,” Fang Chi noticed that his two important personal relationships were both with women, and that their emotional projection toward him exceeded genuine emotional exchange. “Let’s suppose again, you became your tie. What would you want to say?”

Gao Zhun seemed to calm down, one side of his face resting peacefully against his chest, pressing close and unwilling to leave. “I think I would say, right now Doctor Fang Chi is protecting Gao Zhun. But outside this consultation room, he still has to rely on me to protect him.”

Fang Chi laughed. “You think your tie and I are in competition?”

“No, it’s your substitute,” Gao Zhun thought about it. “It can’t be Wednesday every day, can it.”

Fang Chi fell silent. He knew his words and actions had enormous influence on his patient. But he had never imagined it was this enormous. He pressed further. “Just now we did the physical contact exercise. I touched almost your entire body. Where did you feel you could least accept being touched?”

Only the two of them were in the consultation room. Gao Zhun felt safe. Because he felt safe, he dared to say anything. “If it’s you, it seems like I can accept it anywhere.”

A sudden, extremely strong and fervent emotion welled up in Fang Chi’s heart. He couldn’t say where it came from, nor could he say why. It was a kind of ecstatic joy at being pleased, even his head was dizzy. “Really?” He immediately realized this sentence shouldn’t have been asked. This wasn’t a doctor’s question, but came from his own selfish desire. “To you… am I more important than Zuo Linlin?”

Gao Zhun felt the arm encircling him tighten, just the tiniest bit. “It seems… yes.”

Fang Chi used a very long time to digest this sentence. What he held in his arms didn’t seem like a patient, but like a pet or property, something he could give or take as he pleased. After a while, having calmed the inner tide, he continued asking. “Just now your waist and legs had a bigger reaction. Why do you think that is?”

Gao Zhun didn’t speak again. So he changed his approach. “If you were your legs, what would you want to say to my hand?”

“Slower. Give me some time.”

“If it wasn’t my hand?”

Gao Zhun immediately tensed up all over. “Don’t touch me!”

Fang Chi closed his eyes, reminding himself. Fang Chi, don’t get emotionally attached to your patient. Don’t try to turn your patient into your possession. This is dangerous. But he still lifted Gao Zhun’s face, putting on a deeply affectionate expression. “I want to touch your legs again. Can I?”

Gao Zhun couldn’t say no to him. Fang Chi knew. He was the one who had trained him to be this way. Gao Zhun was trembling, watching Fang Chi squat down in front of him, grasping one of his ankles, sliding up along his calf. Slower than last time, but with more force.

“Your muscles are fighting against me because they have memory,” Fang Chi forcibly squeezed his hand between the two tightly locked knees. “Now I want them to remember my hand. Remember that my hand is safe for them.”

Gao Zhun’s reaction could only be described as shuddering. He was using everything he had to endure. Fang Chi’s hand stopped on his thigh. The warmth of his hand transmitted through his suit pants, burning his flesh. This reminded him of that night. Helpless. Painful. About to cry out. Fang Chi suddenly stopped, stood up, and walked back to his desk. “That’s enough for today, Mr. Gao. See you next Wednesday.”

Gao Zhun was stunned, like a dog that had been neglected but was raised to be well behaved. Obediently, he picked up his bag. Only when he reached the door did he turn back and ask. “Can the counseling… be changed to twice a week?”

Fang Chi smiled at him. “Everything’s booked up recently. Might have to wait.”

Gao Zhun left with disappointment. But Fang Chi felt very satisfied. Just as he was about to get off work, Zuo Linlin’s call came in. “Charles, Gao Zhun has been doing very well lately. We wanted to invite you out, to thank you properly.”

Gao Zhun hadn’t mentioned this matter. Fang Chi guessed it was probably Zuo Linlin’s idea. “No Linlin, you know a psychologist shouldn’t step into a client’s social circle.”

“Just a meal together on the weekend, shopping would be fine too. I haven’t been to the movies in so long!” She used that tone again, forceful with a hint of intimacy, her usual tactic with Fang Chi.

Very strangely, Fang Chi discovered that she didn’t seem to have that much control over him anymore. He refused easily and decisively. “Still no, thank you both.”