Deep in the Act: Chapter 28

A notification tone went “ding” on a phone. It was Gao Zhun’s. Fang Chi snapped back to awareness, immediately sat up straight, somewhat flustered, and hastily withdrew his fingers. “Let’s take a break.”

Gao Zhun slowly pulled his phone from his pants pocket, took it out and glanced at it. “It’s nothing,” his expression could be called indifferent. “Credit card notification. Lin Lin bought a bag or something in Germany.”

“She…” Fang Chi found he couldn’t take his eyes off him. The messy folds of his shirt, the slightly turned up pant cuffs, and the blue hairline behind his ear. “When is she coming back?”

Gao Zhun turned his head away, facing the other side of the clinic room. “A week. Or two.”

They were quiet for a while. Fang Chi couldn’t help but ask, “You’ve been unable to sleep these past few days?”

“My mind is a complete mess.”

“What are you thinking about?”

Gao Zhun turned back. “If I said I was thinking about you,” he licked his lips, “would that not be allowed?”

Fang Chi took a deep breath, as if he didn’t know what to do. His hands clenched and unclenched repeatedly. He slumped into the therapist’s high backed chair. “Thinking… what about me?”

“Thinking about your hands. Your voice,” Gao Zhun said as he turned onto his side, propping his head on his arm and reclining diagonally on the large red chair. His waist and hips arched up, with a feminine, alluring curve. “Your hands are hot, covered in sweat, gripping me hard. Your voice is a bit hoarse, probably from desire. You said you wanted to…”

“Nonsense!” Fang Chi stood up, breathing heavily.

Gao Zhun smiled. “It’s just my one sided imagination,” he showed a strange expression, laughter carrying bitterness, affection carrying hurt. “When I think of you, I won’t think of him.”

Fang Chi didn’t know what was wrong with himself. He must have fallen under Gao Zhun’s spell. Exactly as he described it, with hot, sweaty hands gripping him, roughly handling his waist, pulling his wrists apart to either side, his voice hoarse with excitement. “Is this it? Is this how I toy with you!”

Gao Zhun was being handled roughly by him, his hair falling down to cover his face. In that instant, he had the illusion of being assaulted. But it was Fang Chi on top of him. He just looked at him in fear, not resisting. The more Fang Chi worked himself up, the more force he used, until his own hair was a mess too. He was so frantic, wanting Gao Zhun to struggle against him. If he struggled, then he could do as he pleased, releasing the monster that had been suppressed in the shadows of his mind for so long. But Gao Zhun was obedient, just as he himself had said, willing to be broken apart rather than let go.

As he panted, Fang Chi slowed down. The impulse passed. His eyes finally seemed to see clearly. On the large red chair, Gao Zhun had been worked over beyond recognition. His waist twisted as if broken. His shirt had been pulled out from his pants. Both arms were gripped tightly in one of his hands. The other hand was buried between his legs, thumb digging deep into the flesh… He wanted to slap himself. This was a patient with sexual trauma, yet he had ravaged him, behaving as disgustingly as an animal.

He let go, hurriedly smoothing his own hair, then his shirt, his pants. Only after confirming he was presentable did he dare direct his gaze at Gao Zhun. Gao Zhun was curled up, his wet eyes opened wide. He was innocent, yet he looked so timid, as if opening his mouth would make him say “I’m sorry.” Sorry that he had tempted the demon in Fang Chi’s heart.

Fang Chi reached toward him, wanting to pull him up from the chair. But Gao Zhun shrank back in fear. Then, as if afraid Fang Chi would be unhappy, he clumsily grasped that hand and tremblingly moved toward him. Fang Chi took the opportunity to embrace him, very lightly, afraid he might have trauma related associations. “Were you frightened?”

Gao Zhun trembled in his arms. After a long while he said, “It’s fine.”

Fang Chi tightened his arms, the force unconsciously increasing. He wanted to fondle him again. “You’ll be even more scared at night, won’t you?”

Gao Zhun made no sound.

“How about…” On a sudden impulse, Fang Chi actually said, “You could come to my place.”

Gao Zhun’s heart raced wildly. All the blood in his body seemed to rush to his head at once. He was so happy he even felt a bit dizzy.

“But there’s only one bed. We can sleep head to toe. We can buy towels and toothbrushes on the way. Tomorrow I’ll go back with you to get your pajamas.”

“Really?” Gao Zhun was afraid of waking from this unexpected beautiful dream. He softened his voice, tentatively wrapping his arms around Fang Chi’s back. “You’re not lying to me?”

“I’m not lying to you,” Fang Chi went to his desk to get paper and pen. “But we need to finish the treatment first.”

Gao Zhun wouldn’t let him go. “Can’t we skip treatment today?”

Fang Chi was amused by him. “The reason I know you is to treat you.”

Only then did Gao Zhun let go. While waiting for him to bring the paper and pen, he leaned forward and pressed against his chest again. Fang Chi was very helpless, but within that helplessness was a touch of sweetness. “Earlier you said that being penetrated was when you felt the most fear,” he felt the person in his arms tremble violently, and immediately hugged his shoulder. “If your fears could be ranked, what do you think would be the next level down from that?”

Gao Zhun was very uncooperative. “Can’t we not talk about this,” he began twisting restlessly. “I want to go to your place. Let’s go now…”

“No treatment, no my place.” Fang Chi scared him like he would scare a little child. Gao Zhun was silent for a while, then forced to comply. “Probably being with a man.”

Fang Chi was held tightly by him and could only use one hand to take notes. “Explain in more detail.”

“It’s just…” Gao Zhun pressed his face against Fang Chi’s left chest, listening to his heartbeat rise and fall. “Like with Justin. When he touches me or gets very close to me, I’m extremely afraid.”

Fang Chi’s note taking hand paused. “What about with me?” Realizing the question was inappropriate, he corrected himself. “I mean… like how I was with you just now.”

Gao Zhun answered without hesitation. “Except for you.”

Fang Chi was curious. “Then what I just did… bullying you, where does that rank on your fear scale?”

“Were you bullying me?” Gao Zhun’s tone carried surprise.

“What do you think… I was doing?”

“You were punishing me, because I wasn’t obedient.”

The pen tip dug deep into the paper. Fang Chi thought this was bad. Gao Zhun was placing him in the position of authority figure. In a patient’s world, that meant absolute control. “I’m just your doctor. I have no right to punish you.”

“No. When I do well you reward me. If you’re angry, it must be because I did something wrong.”

Fang Chi didn’t know what to do for a moment. In psychological terms, this was called abuse of power. It had never happened in his treatment before, because he had always avoided manipulating patients. “Look at me.” He tried to peel Gao Zhun away from his chest, but couldn’t. Gao Zhun seemed to have grown onto him, sticking close and not separating.

“Don’t punish me like that anymore, okay,” he pleaded pitifully. “The way you were just now… it was very frightening.”

Fang Chi’s heart was a mess and it ached. What could he say? He could only gently say “okay,” and lightly pat Gao Zhun’s back. “Let’s continue from where we left off. On your fear scale, where do I rank?”

Gao Zhun’s lips were smooth and moist. As they opened and closed, they dampened Fang Chi’s shirt. “Sometimes at the very top. Sometimes at the very bottom.”

Fang Chi felt a prickling itch there. “How so?”

“When you’re holding me like this, I’m not afraid even if the sky falls. But when you ignore me, it’s more terrifying than being forced by that person again!”

“When have I ignored you,” Fang Chi felt wronged. “How could I possibly ignore you.”

“Like when I begged you to stay, and you left.” There was resentment in Gao Zhun’s words.

Fang Chi was like a boyfriend pushed to his limit. “I can’t satisfy all your demands, can I?”

Gao Zhun asked dreamily, “Then what would it take for you to satisfy all my demands?”

“I…” Fang Chi found that on this topic, he had already lost the initiative. “Let’s get back to the point. Those things I did to you just now… where do you place them on the fear scale?”

“Not very fearful.”

Fang Chi didn’t believe him. “You were clearly terrified.”

Gao Zhun lifted his head from Fang Chi’s chest, his face rosy red. “I’m not afraid of anything you do to me,” he lowered his eyes, with a somewhat shy charm. “Even if you… hurt me like that person did… I’m not afraid of you.”

Fang Chi felt as if someone had stabbed him hard in the temple with a needle. Gao Zhun seemed to be saying that even if he raped him, he wouldn’t blame him. “Let’s… continue treatment,” his mouth was dry. He picked up that record sheet. “I want you to imagine according to the order on this fear scale, from bottom to top.” He pushed Gao Zhun toward the recliner. “Go. Lie down.”

Gao Zhun refused. In the friction, Fang Chi felt something hard between those legs. His expression changed. Gao Zhun immediately knew he had noticed, and hunched his waist to retreat backward. But Fang Chi grabbed him and forcibly peeled his body open. There was indeed a slight bulge in the fitted suit pants at the crotch.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Gao Zhun apologized in embarrassment.

Fang Chi said coldly, “Go. To the chair.”

Gao Zhun squeezed his legs together. “I… want to use the restroom.”

“Treatment first. If you perform well, I’ll let you go.”

Slowly, Gao Zhun lay down on the large red chair, on his side, covering his crotch with his hand. Fang Chi looked him over from head to toe, brushed aside that hand, and opened his hips to either side, exposing the strange bulge at the crotch.

Gao Zhun covered his face, pitifully murmuring the whole time, “I was wrong, I was wrong…”

Fang Chi’s hand slid down his straight leg, grasping one ankle. “Starting from the lowest level of fear. Just now, how did I ‘punish’ you? Imagine it and tell me.”

Gao Zhun’s whole body was trembling. “This… is very strange.”

“This is treatment,” Fang Chi stood at his feet, staring unblinkingly at his crotch. “Hurry.”

Gao Zhun braced himself and began to imagine. Fang Chi’s hand was sweaty, gripping his wrist. The force was great, like a criminal assaulting him, handling him back and forth. His shirt was pulled out from his waistband. His thigh was grabbed hard… His breathing quickened, like he was experiencing a wet dream, hazy and fluttering.

Fang Chi watched as his pants grew tighter and tighter. Through the fine fabric, the clear outline of his lower body could be seen. First timidly raising its head, then recklessly pointing upward, finally standing bold and upright, excitedly swaying left and right.

Gao Zhun searched for Fang Chi with his eyes. He saw him right at his feet, staring brazenly at his crotch. He was so ashamed he wanted to die, yet because of this, it swelled even more. “I did what you asked,” he pleaded. “Let me go to the restroom…”

Fang Chi still said “no,” pointing at his swollen crotch. “What’s going on?”

Gao Zhun used his hand to cover it. “I don’t know…”

“Move your hand.” Fang Chi’s hand slid up against his leg, moving his hand away.

Gao Zhun could no longer restrain himself. He looked at him in a daze, rubbing against the recliner and twisting lightly. “Save me, save me…”

Fang Chi admired him. This was a body he could do anything he wanted with. If he wanted it, he could have it right now. “Are you feeling desire for men?”

Gao Zhun hummed softly, wanting to moan but suppressing it. Fang Chi asked again, “Do you desire men?”

Gao Zhun was forced to admit it. “Yes…”

“For whom?”

Gao Zhun ground his teeth with a creaking sound. “You know full well…”

Fang Chi said nothing and pulled out that paper again. “Let’s move up one level. Now imagine you and Justin.”

Gao Zhun reached toward him, a layer of pearly sweat on his forehead. “Hold my hand, can you?”

Fang Chi thought for a moment, then grasped his hand. “If one day I’m not here, what will you do?”

Gao Zhun anxiously tightened his fingers. “I won’t let you go.”

Fang Chi smiled. “I mean when you’re cured.”

Gao Zhun urgently declared, “Then I’ll never want to be cured.”

“Once you’re cured, you won’t think that way anymore,” Fang Chi caressed that hand faintly, and from a pair of lowered eyelashes one could see his loneliness. “Sooner or later, one day, you won’t need me.”

Gao Zhun was about to say something, but Fang Chi got there first. “Go to the restroom,” he let go of him. “When you come out, we’ll leave.”

Gao Zhun should have been happy, but he wasn’t. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” Fang Chi looked very tired. “I just think too much. I’ve always thought too much.