Deep in the Act: Chapter 50

A jazz bar with stray cats wandering through, playing Chet Baker’s “My Funny Valentine.” Flowing piano accompaniment, simple vocals, a tipsy warmth. Gao Zhun leaned against the man beside him. This person was his type, refined and wearing glasses. It was just that his hands weren’t very proper. Still, he quite enjoyed it.

“Leaving?” the man asked. Gao Zhun raised his chin, looking appraising. Just as he was about to say “okay,” the man was abruptly pulled away from behind. It was that guy, wearing worn out jeans, a pair of dirty sneakers, grabbing Gao Zhun’s arm, pulling him off the high stool, and pushing him out of the shop with an arm around his waist.

“Hey!” The man with glasses was unwilling, but also somewhat afraid, standing in place and shouting.

That guy stopped, looking back disdainfully. “This is my partner!”

Outside the door, Gao Zhun pushed him away hard. “Who’s your partner!”

That guy’s phone rang. He picked up. “Yeah it’s me Zou Yun, you say…” He reached out to hail a taxi. Gao Zhun argued with him overbearingly. “This is already the third time, Zou Yun, stay the hell away from me!”

The car drove over. Zou Yun pushed him in. The driver asked where to. Gao Zhun offhandedly gave Zou Yun’s address. Even if he didn’t want to remember it he had, having spent the night there these past few days. Hanging up the phone, Zou Yun didn’t dare make a sound right away. Sneakily, he went to put his arm around Gao Zhun’s shoulder. Gao Zhun shoved him away. He grabbed his hand again. Gao Zhun wouldn’t let him touch. He said pitifully. “That, I was just afraid you’d get taken advantage of…”

“I want to get taken advantage of,” the moment he spoke, Gao Zhun immediately got fired up. He wasn’t someone who loved arguing, but facing this former thug, he always had endless anger to vent. “Why is it so hard for me to get taken advantage of!”

“No, getting taken advantage of can’t be with him,” Zou Yun took the scolding, smiling apologetically. “Look at that guy, pretty boy with glasses, looks shady at first glance,” thinking, he added another line. “Definitely fickle!”

Gao Zhun froze for a moment, then viciously shot back. “Then who with, with you!”

They arrived. Gao Zhun got out, slamming the car door shut with a bang. Zou Yun frantically paid the fare and ran after him from behind. It was very dark, no streetlights yet. Zou Yun lunged forward one step to grab his hand. This time Gao Zhun didn’t pull away. Walking to the building entrance, don’t know whose water pipe had burst, water running all over the ground. Gao Zhun lifted his foot to wade through. Zou Yun mustered his strength and picked him up, stepping across.

This feeling of being cared for was disorienting. Gao Zhun didn’t like it. “Put me down!”

Zou Yun said very naturally. “Your shoes are so expensive, mine I could throw away and not care.”

Entering the unit door, he walked ahead, Gao Zhun followed him. Up to the third floor, opened the door and entered. A smell of beans. Zou Yun went straight into the kitchen. “Bean porridge is ready, want a bowl?”

Gao Zhun shook his head and started undressing. He had a chair of his own here. Clothes taken off were thrown on top. Zou Yun would fold them for him. Stripping naked and burrowing into the quilt, he lazily rolled over, wanting a man.

Zou Yun didn’t bring porridge, but brought out a cup of hot water, half a lemon in hand, squeezing it over the cup rim, bringing it to Gao Zhun’s lips. “Drink a sip, drink before sleeping.”

Gao Zhun held his wrist and drank the water. After drinking he didn’t let go, pulling him toward himself, breathing out. “Want to f…”

Zou Yun pried his hand away. “F this f that, why are you always thinking about fucking,” he put the cup far away, sitting at the edge of the bed taking off his pants. “Not brushing teeth, want me to get you a piece of gum?” He got up to go get it, when Gao Zhun coldly said from behind. “That depends on you.”

He was talking about the fucking matter. Zou Yun didn’t speak. Gao Zhun thought he was going to get angry. Afraid, but steeling himself, waiting for a long delayed fight to the death. Instead Zou Yun stood up, grabbed a pillow and quilt, and went to sleep on the half collapsed spring sofa nearby.

The lights went dark. Gao Zhun sat alone in the darkness. He was angry, and wronged, like a fruit swollen full of spores, wanting to vent with the spring wind, swelling up, about to burst, when Zou Yun spoke. “My first time…” His voice was so light, almost drowned in the night. “Was my squad leader.”

The broken sofa made a creaking sound. He seemed to sit up. A snap, a flame with a spark of light. “To this day I hate him,” the spark suddenly turned red. “But I can’t forget him.”

Gao Zhun listened quietly. Because it was dark, he didn’t have to pretend to care or be indifferent.

“The way he smoked, the deepened dimples when he smiled, and the legs swinging on the bar in summer…” Zou Yun slowly, bitterly reminisced. “This kind of thing is like… plague, zombies, or vampires. One infects another.”

“Infect,” this was a terrifying word. Gao Zhun hugged his shoulders. “Any cigarettes left?”

Zou Yun shuffled over in his slippers, sitting at the edge of the bed to light him a cigarette. “I infected you, you go infect others.”

Gao Zhun took a fierce drag, then coughed violently. Zou Yun patted his back like family. “How many have you infected?”

The first breath of nicotine in his lungs, choking Gao Zhun’s eyes full of tears. “One,” he coughed. “Or two…”

Zou Yun pinched out his cigarette, holding it in his own mouth. “Sorry…” He rubbed his forehead and neck covered in thin sweat. “Sorry…”

Sorry? Gao Zhun wanted to laugh. One sorry and it’s all over? How could that be. In this lifetime he would never forgive him. Grabbing the quilt to cover his head, he turned away distantly. Zou Yun patted him through the quilt for a while, finished that cigarette, and went back to the sofa to sleep.

The next day very early, Gao Zhun woke up. Opening his eyes he saw that guy curled up on the broken sofa like a stray dog. He wrapped himself in the quilt and got out of bed, stepping on him with his foot. Zou Yun was startled awake. “Huh?”

“I’m hungry.” Gao Zhun looked down at him from above.

“Ah,” Zou Yun blinked. “I’ll heat up the porridge for you.”

“I want bread, with butter.”

Zou Yun rubbed his eyes looking for his pants, yawning repeatedly. “Okay, I’ll go buy it for you.”

He was very efficient, grabbing his keys and going out the door. The old iron door closed behind him, and the room immediately emptied. Gao Zhun looked around this cramped old apartment, his nose bridge going sour, tears falling in a rustle. He didn’t know what he was crying about, burying his face in the quilt, silently grieving alone.

Once this grief came over him, he wanted to find his phone. He had left it by the bed last night. He was just about to reach for it when the lock sounded. Zou Yun opened the door and came in, carrying a chill on his body, hugging him tight, peeling his face out from under the quilt.

Gao Zhun wouldn’t let him touch, awkwardly dodging. “Where’s the bread?”

“Didn’t buy…” Zou Yun clumsily wiped his tears. “Get dressed, let’s go out to eat, together.”

Gao Zhun didn’t speak. Zou Yun pulled his quilt, pulling it open and throwing it on the floor, exposing a naked body. “Put on clothes,” he grabbed his shirt from the chair, and with one pull, something fell down. Zou Yun chased to pick it up. It was a crystal cufflink.

The cufflink reminded Gao Zhun that he had superiority when it came to money. So he deliberately provoked Zou Yun, using a nasty tone. “Swarovski vintage crystal cufflink, market price twelve thousand, for one.”

Zou Yun should have shown inferiority, or the blatant greed that other bed partners showed. But no, he carefully placed the cufflink on the table corner, cursing angrily. “Damn, way too fucking expensive!”

After breakfast, Zou Yun didn’t know what nerve he struck, wanting to go sing karaoke. If Gao Zhun wouldn’t go he would act shameless, eagerly saying. “I sing really well, really, you listen once, you’ll definitely fall in love with me!”

Gao Zhun gave him a very contemptuous sideways glance, following him into the KTV.

A small private room about five or six square meters. They ordered drinks, sitting close together. Zou Yun was eager to try, but let Gao Zhun sing first. Gao Zhun looked at him like he was a fool, saying. “Cher, Bang Bang.”

“What the hell?” Zou Yun was confused. Gao Zhun pushed him aside, going to pick the song himself. The music started. He held the mic to his mouth. An old English song, melody and lyrics both very simple. His voice was hoarse with a touch of awkwardness, like slowly telling a story. Zou Yun listened foolishly, not understanding, just discovering that as he sang, Gao Zhun’s eyelashes grew wet.

“Now he’s gone, I don’t know why, And till this day, sometimes I cry, He didn’t even say goodbye, He didn’t take the time to lie…”

Zou Yun was a bit panicked. He couldn’t bear to see him cry, and didn’t know how to comfort him. Didn’t want him to keep singing, but was afraid he would lose his temper. The repeated bang bang in the lyrics was like gunfire. Every time Gao Zhun sang it he felt his heart clench tight.

“Bang bang, he shot me down, Bang bang, I hit the ground, Bang bang, that awful sound, Bang bang, my baby shot me down…”

The music ended. Gao Zhun stared at the randomly playing screen, unable to put down the mic for the longest time. Zou Yun held his hand. “What kind of crap song, not good at all,” he rubbed his short buzz cut. “Let me sing one for you!”

He sang Buyi Band’s “Roman Watch.” “My boyfriend, his conditions are high, he wants a Roman watch, I’m a poor pauper, how can I afford it, afford it!”

The song was like the person, bold and unrestrained, with a rough kind of foolishness. Saying foolish, there seemed to be some prideful aloofness too. Gao Zhun sized him up out of the corner of his eye, could tell he was trying his hardest to make him laugh. “I’ll go steal a wallet, got caught, he stood aside laughing his ass off, laugh your mother’s cunt! It was all for you, for you!”

This was actually a sad song. What relationship didn’t have tearing and wasted scheming? Gao Zhun lightly smiled, just once, and Zou Yun felt his heart loosen. He grabbed the wine bottle, guzzling himself while singing at the top of his lungs. Gao Zhun pulled him. “Enough, you call this singing well,” he reached up to cut the song. “Tacky to the extreme.”

Zou Yun chuckled. “Don’t like tacky?” He pressed against Gao Zhun’s ear root. “Then this next song is for you.” He stood up, not looking at the lyrics, like a thoughtful and tender lover, foolishly looking at Gao Zhun. The screen showed the song title: “Stunning Beauty.”

“Hear fingertips climbing over sheer ridges, hear breath rippling the sound of waves,

No kiss yet already forgetting form, one kiss yet formless,

My scenery doesn’t rely on landscape.”

His voice was truly beautiful, melting, the kind that could suck you in. But this was a Cantonese song, his half baked Cantonese was truly awkward, and he was frowning and posing like a big star. Gao Zhun forcefully held back his laughter, pretending to be indifferent and turning his head away.

“Sinking fish and falling geese if they could move the heart, vinegar rain and sour wind also like moon shadows,

What of one glance, what of no glance,

Your spring colors don’t stain the heart’s mirror.”

Zou Yun wouldn’t let him dodge, pushing aside the wine bottles on the table, plopping his butt onto it, his two legs framing him in the middle, leaning his upper body in close, singing with deep feeling. “Too beautiful a love, invisible yet existing, I my whole life never understood what green willows and black hair matter,” he brushed his hair, his finger tracing from his Adam’s apple toward his chest. “Can’t see what’s under the clothes, can’t put a face in my eyes,” he cupped his face, touching his lips. “Lest you with your bright eyes and white teeth decorate my outside…”

Gao Zhun was resistant, but teased by that sour kind of manner, he also couldn’t help wanting to laugh. Yes, who could withstand such intense courtship? The private room light was dim, but you could tell, he blushed.

“Invisible love, invisible who is there,

Your physical form I never even glanced at, only seeking no hindrance,

Can’t see the opposite terrace, can’t put the red dust in my eyes,

Lest one day you carry stunning beauty, a knife plunged into my heart.”

A knife plunged into my heart. The mic slid down his thigh toward the floor. Zou Yun suddenly kissed him. In the early morning KTV, he held the crime he had once committed, saying almost beggingly without cause. “Be with me…”

Gao Zhun looked very close, looking at this pitiful and hateful person. That night, those humiliations, the fear of being forced, and Fang Chi. His heart hurt, and he shook his head resolutely.

Zou Yun let go of her, laughing. “It’s fine, it’s fine…” He picked up the microphone, like picking up the entire real world. “That, let’s do a duet.”

He let Gao Zhun pick. Gao Zhun could guess he liked Anthony Wong, so he picked “Whirlpool.” Zou Yun sang the male part. “Following the curves you designed, spinning in place falling into the eye of the wind paradise, all things in the world orbit the center, accompany me as I settle for you.”

“Transcending reason, exceeding nature…” Gao Zhun sang the female part. “Turning into powder, who still wants to be whole, come sink into my depths…”

Zou Yun’s voice shook a bit. “Buried under love…”

Gao Zhun heard it, pretending not to. “The world about to become scattered petals…”

Two voices tangled together, like two lonely souls with nowhere to belong. “Come embrace me, form a whirlpool, stirring up the ten thousand feet of storm behind that passionate kiss… come embrace me, kiss me from my toes, soul inch by inch falling toward the flood…”

“Love is eroding me…” Zou Yun choked up.

“Like heaven’s net and earth’s snare…” Gao Zhun felt no sympathy.

“Regardless of consequences…” he came over, putting his arm around Gao Zhun’s shoulder.

“This greed for pleasure causing disaster…” Gao Zhun also relaxed and leaned against him.

Two people trembling as they sought warmth, burning into a single flame in the illusory lyrics:

“Who is swallowing whom, neither can help it, who is being swept up, whose femme fatale…”