Deep in the Act: Chapter 58

Gao Zhun was panting, a thin layer of sweat on his body. Clearly they were finished, but Fang Chi still clung to him from behind, gripping his shoulders as if he hadn’t gotten his fill, kissing him densely and continuously. They lay on the living room floor. The TV was playing a porn film explicitly, two hairy white men overlapping and grunting. Gao Zhun sensitively curled his toes, shrinking into a ball red all over.

“What are we…” Fang Chi licked down toward his armpit: “What kind of relationship is this?”

Gao Zhun trembled from his touch, lightly pushing his face away. Fang Chi took the opportunity to catch his finger in his mouth, rubbing it with his canine teeth: “I… what am I to you?”

Gao Zhun mumbled something indistinctly. Fang Chi didn’t hear clearly, turned his chin over, saw that his lust had just faded, and said with extraordinary cold beauty: “Have you cut things off with everyone outside?”

“Outside?” Fang Chi didn’t even think: “I have no outside at all.”

Gao Zhun made no sound, wanting to get out of his embrace. Fang Chi stubbornly held him. At this moment a phone rang on the sofa: Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream…

Gao Zhun had heard this song too many times. “Goodbye, my lover without fate, goodbye, my hopeless dream.” But he had never hated it as much as at this moment. Fang Chi grabbed the phone. Gao Zhun casually saw the number, very familiar, calling from his own home.

Fang Chi let go of him, walking toward the kitchen: “Hello?”

On the other end Zuo Linlin was crying: “Charles, are you busy, can you come over?”

Fang Chi clearly didn’t want to: “What’s the matter, let’s talk on the phone.”

“No, you come, come right now…” she screamed hysterically: “I’m going crazy, I really can’t live this kind of life!”

“These words you shouldn’t be saying to me,” Fang Chi sighed: “Don’t call again.” He was about to hang up when Zuo Linlin suddenly calmed down, saying word by word: “If you don’t come, I’ll cut my wrists.”

Those two words made Fang Chi shudder. For a long while, he could only then speak: “Calm down…”

“I can’t calm down!” Zuo Linlin knew, she already had victory in her grasp: “Charles, half an hour. If you don’t come, I’ll kill myself!”

The call disconnected. Fang Chi fiddled with the phone in distress for a while, then walked back to the living room: “I’m going out for a bit.”

Gao Zhun had already turned off the TV, leaning naked against the sofa, looking very leisurely as he smoked: “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’ll be right back.”

Fang Chi began getting dressed. The cigarette burned slowly at his fingertips. Almost finished burning, Gao Zhun said: “If you don’t leave, I can promise you one request.” Fang Chi wouldn’t notice, his hand holding the cigarette was trembling: “Whatever you want.”

Fang Chi was fully dressed, shook his head: “Lend me the car.”

Gao Zhun had newly bought a Jaguar, the window tint not yet applied: “Sure,” he said: “Drive carefully.”

Fang Chi left. Gao Zhun lit another cigarette, smoking while wiping under his nose with the back of his hand. Snot and tears gathered there, sticky. Three to five cigarettes, he had smoked enough. He went to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, splashing bone chilling cold water on his face.

That song circled in his head, goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. He felt he couldn’t hold on anymore. That bloody hole in his chest couldn’t be filled by nonstop lovemaking day and night. He wanted to just leave like that, like the song sang, I’m trying not to think about you, can’t you just let me be?

Almost having made up his mind, he shook his head, and on the snowy white washstand saw a few drops of something. Very familiar, deep flesh colored, probably accidentally spilled. Following the direction of the dripping liquid, it was the storage cabinet behind the mirror.

He didn’t have a habit of putting things in the mirror cabinet, but he knew many people who had studied abroad in Europe and America did. Anxiously, he yanked it open. He only looked for one second, then covered his mouth.

Twenty some minutes later, Fang Chi arrived. Zuo Linlin opened the door for him, throwing herself into his arms the moment they met, explicitly saying things like “miss you” and “love you.” Fang Chi pushed her away, simultaneously observing the room’s condition. Everything was neat and clean everywhere, not looking like there was a problem: “Everything looks normal, what can’t you stand?”

“I can’t stand being alone,” she softly leaned against his chest, clearly still wearing light makeup: “You know, I’ve been spoiled, I can’t stand being neglected.”

Fang Chi knew, she always wanted something for nothing, whether spiritually or materially: “Nothing’s wrong then, I’m leaving.”

He turned around. Zuo Linlin immediately circled around to his front: “I regret it, Charles, I really regret it!”

Fang Chi was about to push her aside. She simply stepped backward, using her whole body to block the doorway: “Give me one more chance,” she really was crying, the tears so real: “This time I’ll definitely cherish it!”

Fang Chi stood there troubled: “I don’t love you anymore.”

“Impossible!” she shook her head: “You’re still blaming me, I’ll admit I was wrong okay?” She leaned in, wanting to pull Fang Chi’s hand. Fang Chi suddenly dodged. She was somewhat embarrassed: “I was tricked by Gao Zhun, I didn’t expect him to be so shameless…”

“Don’t slander him!” How could Fang Chi tolerate her saying this kind of thing, that was his treasure.

“I slander him?” Zuo Linlin’s eyes went round, unable to believe Fang Chi’s “partiality”: “You don’t understand him, no one is more cruel than him!” she raised her voice: “He doesn’t love anyone, he only loves himself!”

Secretly, Fang Chi’s heart hurt a bit, seeming to waver, his expression somewhat flustered: “It’s not like you say…”

“It is exactly like I say!” On the contrary, Zuo Linlin became proactive: “He’s always high and mighty, everyone fawns over him, when has he ever taken anyone else seriously? You think he treats you as a friend, if he weren’t sick, he wouldn’t even bother with you!”

Fang Chi felt it hard to breathe, went up to pull at her, wanting to leave. Zuo Linlin took the opportunity to throw herself on him, posing with a graceful figure, rippling with water like tenderness, binding him tight regardless of everything, kissing his dry lips. An ex girlfriend passionate as fire, but Fang Chi felt disgusted. A fickle lover, a hypocritical and snobbish woman, these weren’t important. What was important was, she wasn’t the person in his heart.

“Let go of me!” he roared, easily breaking free. Zuo Linlin didn’t give up, pressing close to continue entangling. Rather than intimacy it was more like hand to hand combat. They were practically wrestling. Fang Chi was driven to desperation, simply saying: “I have a lover!”

Zuo Linlin was stunned for a moment, then laughed coldly: “Who are you fooling,” like she often did to him in the past, mocking and ridiculing: “Besides me, can you even see other women?”

Fang Chi was momentarily speechless, sighed: “You’re too arrogant.”

“I have the capital to be arrogant,” she proudly lifted her chin, making the curve of her neck even more moving: “Why do you use that ringtone, do you think I don’t understand?”

Fang Chi didn’t speak. She thought she had hit the mark, getting carried away: “As long as I hook one finger, you’ll…”

“I’m gay,” Fang Chi didn’t let her finish: “I like men now.”

Zuo Linlin seemed not to understand, tilting her head, looking at him with a strange expression.

“We’re already living together.” Fang Chi continued.

Zuo Linlin’s face went pale, but she was still smiling: “What a terrible excuse!”

“It’s true,” Fang Chi wasn’t in a hurry to leave anymore, leaning loosely against the entryway wall: “A person for life.”

“A person for life,” Zuo Linlin somewhat believed him, no one would joke about sexual orientation: “Is it because of me?” she asked trembling: “Because I hurt you?”

“No,” Fang Chi’s expression was so gentle, so gentle that he completely didn’t have her in his eyes: “Only after knowing him did I understand what love is. Not eating together, shopping, watching movies. It’s life and death, it’s heart wrenching!”

Only then did Zuo Linlin truly shed tears, not for the lover who had changed his heart, but for the humiliation of throwing herself at him and the dead end of her future. She struggled like a dying person: “You’ve got it wrong,” she began undoing her pajama buttons, not wearing a bra, revealing two snowy white breasts: “Let me tell you, what a man’s love looks like!”

Fang Chi only glanced once, then averted his gaze. Zuo Linlin was half undressed, insistently going to pull at his belt. Fang Chi pushed her hard. She couldn’t get close to his body, so she grabbed Fang Chi’s hand and bit down hard on the web between his thumb and index finger. Like a beast that had lost its reason, she stared with red eyes not letting go, both hands gripping Fang Chi’s wrist. But it was slippery, somewhat hard to hold. She felt something was wrong, flipped her hand over to look, a greasy layer of makeup liquid on her hand: “What is this…” she looked at Fang Chi’s wrist in surprise, half hidden half revealed, several scars crisscrossing.

Gao Zhun covered his mouth. The cabinet was full of medicine, dark brown plastic bottles, with colorful wide labels. Several kinds he was very familiar with. During the most anxious and fearful times Fang Chi had prescribed them for him, able to relieve depression, suppress self destructive tendencies.

Tears immediately fell. He panicked, picking up those bottles and putting them down, roughly making out the English on them. His hands shook so badly he couldn’t hold on, several bottles falling down. His gaze followed downward, and on the bottom layer of the cabinet he saw a small bottle of something like cosmetics. He read the description, it was concealer.

His mind buzzed. Fragile nerves blew like a fuse, sparking, unable to reconnect no matter what. Gao Zhun stood blankly in front of the washstand, like a slow witted fool. Faintly, he could hear a man crying. He touched his face, the tears from before had already dried. Then who was crying?

Coming out of the bathroom, he listened everywhere. It wasn’t from outside or the neighbors. Suddenly turning around, he understood. It was the self inside his heart. Tears, he had shed too many. When curled alone in a corner at night, when greedily coveting Fang Chi’s body heat, when spreading his legs for strange men, he had cried so many times heart wrenchingly. It turned out this time was the most painful, so painful he couldn’t even make a sound.

He began looking for his phone, wanting to call Fang Chi. He had casually left it on the coffee table during their intimacy. He grabbed it to dial, when at this moment the door sounded. Fang Chi put away his keys and walked in, taking off his overcoat while looking at him in surprise: “Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

He walked straight toward the bathroom. Gao Zhun urgently called: “You…”

The phone suddenly vibrated. Gao Zhun hadn’t planned to answer at all, but glancing at the caller ID, he raised his brows and pressed speaker.

“Gao Zhun,” it was Zuo Linlin’s voice. Fang Chi immediately stopped at the bathroom door, somewhat nervously looking over. Gao Zhun made no sound, listening to her slowly say: “Logically after breaking up, I shouldn’t be calling you, but this matter… I feel I have to tell you,” she seemed somewhat hesitant: “Fang Chi… you stay away from him.”

“Why.” Gao Zhun’s words showed no emotion, but his eyes were watery, looking at Fang Chi with subtle turns. Fang Chi listened quietly, somewhat shyly, slightly swaying his shoulders left and right.

“He’s gay,” Zuo Linlin used a contemptuous tone: “When I introduced him to you I really didn’t know. And I heard he’s living with a man, just thinking about it…”

She rattled on. Gao Zhun very abruptly replied: “Oh, I know.”

Zuo Linlin paused, probably somewhat surprised, her tone immediately turning: “I… I’m worried about you, we were together so long, after all there were feelings…”

Gao Zhun seemed not to be listening to her, lightly interrupting: “That person is me.”

Zuo Linlin didn’t react: “Huh?”

Fang Chi wasn’t swaying anymore, stood straight, lightly pushing his glasses, staring fixedly at Gao Zhun. Gao Zhun caught his gaze, smiling very freely: “The one living with him, is me.”

After speaking, he directly hung up the phone, walking toward Fang Chi. Fang Chi was like looking at a rainbow, a beam of light, dazzled and enchanted. His jaw muscles clenched tight, his whole person so excited. The closer Gao Zhun got, the more he trembled, his nose secretly sniffing. There was a nicotine scent on Gao Zhun’s body, to him, faintly, like an aphrodisiac. He reached out his hand, carefully touching those lightly fluttering lashes.

“Where did you go?” The phone vibrated nonstop in his hand. Gao Zhun asked.

“You already know.” Fang Chi stared obsessively at his lips.

“Tell me.” Gao Zhun obediently moved his lips toward him.

Fang Chi couldn’t resist kissing him, once wasn’t enough, pecking again and again: “She’s psychologically unstable, I…”

Gao Zhun suddenly sucked on his lips, standing on tiptoe, strenuously pulling at his shoulders. Fang Chi hurriedly cupped his waist, hugging him tight. The two people were like a pair of prisoners bound together, about to fall over, supporting each other in that small space.

“Wuwuwu…” Fang Chi mumbled, clearly inaudible, but Gao Zhun knew, he was saying “I love you.” Once not clear enough, Fang Chi said it a second time. The more he said it, the fiercer Gao Zhun kissed him. Just when Fang Chi was losing himself in passion, Gao Zhun let go of him, threw away the phone and grabbed his left hand, pulling it in front of his eyes.

First he saw the bloody bite mark on the web between thumb and index finger. In a daze, Fang Chi pulled his hand back. Gao Zhun grabbed it a second time, back and forth, tears pattering down. Seeing him cry, Fang Chi also reddened around the eyes. Slowly, the two stopped struggling, like having cast aside barriers and become one. Gao Zhun carefully rolled down his shirt cuff. At the most critical place, on the major artery, there were three to four ugly scars, clearly, he had tried more than once.

Gao Zhun crashed into Fang Chi’s embrace headfirst. Fang Chi also tightly encircled him. Two hunched bodies, supporting each other for survival: “Be with me,” Gao Zhun couldn’t afford to waste any more time, pressing against his vigorously beating heart to ask: “Okay?”

“Okay,” Fang Chi kissed his hair again and again: “Okay,” he repeated, then thought of something: “Quit smoking, okay?”

Gao Zhun laughed: “Okay,” he answered solemnly: “Okay!”

On the floor, the phone screen was lit, vibrating persistently.