Deep in the Act: Chapter 6

Fang Chi had an academic seminar today. He had postponed all his other patients, but he had Secretary Feng keep Gao Zhun’s appointment. At five past four, he hurried out of the elevator and jogged into the clinic. Just in time to see Secretary Feng pulling at a troubled looking Gao Zhun, seemingly asking him to help tie her new silk scarf.

“Mr. Gao.” Fang Chi was not pleased.

Gao Zhun turned around. His expression in that split second could only be described as vivid. He had been anxious and troubled, but the moment he saw Fang Chi, he immediately revealed that gentle, reserved expression, like a fledgling seeing its flock returning from afar, like trembling dew meeting the spring breeze. “Doctor Fang,” he smiled lightly. “Miss Feng said you rushed back specially. Sorry for the trouble.”

Emotion is a projection. Fang Chi could clearly feel his fondness and dependence on him. “Mr. Gao, please wait a moment. Secretary Feng, come in with me.”

Walking into the consultation room, setting down his bag, he had Secretary Feng close the door. Then he pointed at her without mercy. “I’ve told you before, maintain distance from patients. Don’t let me see this a second time. Get out.”

Secretary Feng was very wronged. “I…”

Fang Chi was impatient. He was already five minutes late. He didn’t want to make Gao Zhun wait another five minutes. “Mr. Gao has a fiancee. They’re getting married soon. Get out!”

Secretary Feng stood with her head lowered, not moving. He strode over, opened the door for her, and at the same time smiled and greeted Gao Zhun. “Mr. Gao, please come in.”

Gao Zhun had of course noticed the strange dynamic between the two of them, but he didn’t say much. When he brushed past Secretary Feng to enter, Fang Chi habitually placed a hand on his back to guide him. He immediately tensed up and shivered. Fang Chi’s hand sensitively felt this tension. He had originally been about to go get the air conditioner remote, but he hesitated. Quickly weighing the pros and cons, he decided to conduct this experiment.

“Mr. Gao, I’m so sorry,” he pointed at the air conditioner in the corner of the room. “The air conditioner has been broken these past two days. Would you mind bearing with it?”

The outdoor temperature was 35 degrees Celsius. Although it was already past four, the sun was still blazing red. Gao Zhun had attended a partners’ meeting in the morning and was dressed in a formal vest suit with a wide tie. But he still agreed without hesitation. “Alright.”

Fang Chi was also wearing a suit, but not as formal as his. He took off his jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. He walked over and sat diagonally across from Gao Zhun. “Let’s continue our previous topic. Early memories.”

Gao Zhun looked at him attentively, like a good student. Fang Chi could imagine that this was exactly how he had been as a student. Humble, obedient, excellent. “Mr. Gao, have you ever had any memories of failure?”

“Failure?” Gao Zhun seemed very unfamiliar with this word. “I’ve had exam performances that didn’t go well, career development bottlenecks, breakups with girlfriends. But I never felt like I failed. Does that count?”

Very confident. Fang Chi wrote in his notepad. “Did any of these things leave you with a memory, a mental image?”

Gao Zhun thought about it. “Maybe the breakup with my girlfriend,” he said, pursing his lips with slight embarrassment. “My college girlfriend. At that time I… had no money. I was very unsophisticated. She looked down on me a little. I remember the weather was especially nice that day. She left my dorm. I stood on the balcony watching her. She was swinging her long hair. She looked very happy.” At this point, he actually laughed. “My roommate was cooking instant noodles at the time. Beef braised flavor. I ate the whole thing!”

Fang Chi laughed along with him. It seemed this relationship truly hadn’t left any trauma on Gao Zhun. He was about to ask the next question when Gao Zhun suddenly said, “Oh right, I ran into her last year. She chased after me with all her might for two months.”

“And then?” Fang Chi followed up.

Gao Zhun was simple to the point of being cold. “Nothing after that.”

Only then did Fang Chi realize that this person was not as innocent and fragile as he appeared. He had his own cunning and dark side. This sudden realization made him feel it was necessary to change strategy. “Actually, I’ve been dumped by a girlfriend too.”

Appropriate self disclosure. A basic quality that all psychologists should possess. “Only I wasn’t as lucky as you. I was the one who couldn’t get over it.”

Gao Zhun was sweating buckets from the heat, but still appeared very concerned. This reaction matched Fang Chi’s expectations. “She might be getting married soon…”

Gao Zhun wanted to ask something, but Fang Chi cut him off. “You’re very hot. Take off your jacket.”

Gao Zhun was stunned. That timid, fearful expression returned. “No… I’m fine.”

“Take it off. Take off your tie too,” he pointed at the wardrobe by the door, smiling warmly. “I provide hangers. Don’t worry about wrinkles.”

“Really, it’s not necessary…” Gao Zhun began avoiding his gaze, crossing his arms over his chest. This action appeared casual, but was actually a defensive posture. Fang Chi’s brow moved slightly. “Right, speaking of failure, something happened to me when I was studying in America…” He deliberately dragged out the final syllable, then quickly got to the point. “I was robbed. By a black man.”

To his surprise, Gao Zhun didn’t pay much attention to the word “robbed.” Had he guessed wrong? He wavered a bit. “One autumn evening, I was jogging in the park next to the school. I didn’t know he was following me from behind.”

Suddenly, very suddenly, Gao Zhun’s eyes changed. Like a startled wild deer, he plunged headfirst into his trap. “He pounced on me from behind, holding a knife in his hand. His body odor was very strong. You know, that kind of smell black people have…” He carefully observed Gao Zhun, observing his bobbing Adam’s apple and his hand gripping the tie tightly. “I’m not considered short over there, but I didn’t resist. Because I was scared. I emptied my pockets for him, but there was no money in my workout clothes.”

He sat a little closer to Gao Zhun. “Then he beat me. Beat me hard. The bruises on my face didn’t fade for a week. But at the time I was truly relieved that he only beat me and didn’t kill me.”

Gao Zhun was clearly terrified, staring with his two large, watery eyes, giving his whole heart and soul to this story. Fang Chi smiled instead. “Thinking about it now, if I had resisted back then, who knows who would have beaten who!”

He was very close to Gao Zhun now, as if whispering. “But after that, I never dared to jog again. At night I have nightmares. During the day I often feel a chill on my neck, as if there’s a knife…”

More sweat trickled down Gao Zhun’s forehead. You could see that sweat had already soaked through the shirt below his collar, revealing the color of his skin. Fang Chi asked him again. “How about taking off your jacket?”

Gao Zhun shook his head. Fang Chi continued. “I didn’t dare tell anyone. I was afraid they would look down on me. Chinese men, after all, care about face.”

“And then.” Gao Zhun asked in a trembling voice.

Fang Chi casually tossed his hair and put some distance between them. “I told everything to my mentor. He treated me.”

Gao Zhun clearly developed a longing for the word “treatment.” At this point, Fang Chi asked him for the third time. “You’re too hot. How about taking off your jacket?”

Gao Zhun shook his head at first. Slowly, as if in return for Fang Chi’s unreserved confession to him, or as if he had finally relaxed, he nodded. Fang Chi watched him stand up, turn his back, and begin unbuttoning.

Taking off the jacket symbolized letting down one’s guard. Fang Chi believed this represented a major step forward in their therapeutic relationship. But he didn’t understand why Gao Zhun had to turn his back. He undressed very slowly. The high end suit made a luxurious sound as it brushed against his shirt. When he stretched his arms, his back pulled into a marvelous curve. That waist was truly slender, as if it would break with a casual grip. His appetite must not be good either.

Gao Zhun was about to turn around, but Fang Chi ordered him. “Take off the vest too.”

Gao Zhun paused, as if making a great decision. He began unbuttoning the vest. He was already soaked through. The shirt fabric clung thinly to his flesh, revealing the muscles beneath. Fang Chi asked, “Do you usually work out?”

Gao Zhun didn’t turn around for a long time. He answered with his head turned to the side. “I used to have the habit. I haven’t gone recently.”

“Why not?”

“Because… there are a lot of people. Sweating. That kind of smell…”

What kind of smell? Fang Chi very much wanted to ask, but held back. Today’s results were already good enough. He didn’t want to push him too hard. “Mr. Gao, we discussed before that you have issues with safe distance. Next I’d like to try a physical contact experiment,” he put down his pen and paper and stood up, walking toward him. “You don’t need to move.”

Gao Zhun moved upon hearing this. He turned to face him, while simultaneously stepping back, his expression strange. Flushed red from the heat, yet pale from fear. Fang Chi tried his best to soothe him. “If you want to change, you need to try challenging yourself. If you can’t take it, we’ll stop at any time.”

Gao Zhun shook his head. “No… I don’t want to try. I think it’s pointless. And very strange…”

Fang Chi immediately switched to a coaxing tone. “You don’t trust me? That would disappoint me very much.”

Gao Zhun was clearly frightened by the possibility of his “disappointment.” Actually, this was a threat. To balance out this sense of threat, Fang Chi cajoled him. “Let’s try it, alright?”

With every step Fang Chi took toward him, Gao Zhun took a step back, until he was backed against the wall. Fang Chi still didn’t give up. “Just once, alright?”

Gao Zhun had nowhere left to retreat. He looked at him with an expression that could only be described as pitiful pleading. “Next time… can we do it next time?”

Fang Chi was a bit surprised. He was negotiating terms with him. “I’m afraid you won’t come back next time.”

Gao Zhun didn’t respond. It seemed he had this intention. Fang Chi realized he had still pushed him too hard. So he withdrew the pressure, voluntarily stepping back several paces. “I respect your decision. But please also believe in your potential.”

He returned to his desk, picked up his pen, and wrote a “prescription.” “Next time we’ll continue this physical contact exercise. It’s not as strange as you think. We’ll take it step by step. This is the homework I’m leaving you,” he handed the slip of paper toward Gao Zhun. Gao Zhun, freed from his tense state, quickly walked over and took it. He looked at it. “Untie my tie?”

“Yes, a behavioral assignment,” Fang Chi assumed a professional attitude. “I noticed you refused to untie your tie. This often suggests self restraint and an unhealthy sense of security. I need you to liberate yourself. Try not to wear a tie to work as much as possible. Practice for a week. I’ll check on it at our next meeting.”

Gao Zhun wanted to protest, but Fang Chi naturally didn’t give him the chance. “That’s all for today.”

Gao Zhun thoughtfully put on his vest, his jacket, picked up his exquisite calfskin bag, and walked to the door. “Doctor Fang, on my way here I saw a Japanese tavern. Would you like to go for a drink?”

Fang Chi was taken aback. According to what his mentor had taught him, and according to his many years of professional experience, he should not have any contact with a client outside of treatment. But considering the next session, he agreed. They walked there. It only took ten minutes. A very small shop. The proprietress was Taiwanese. She served excellent sake.

As soon as they started drinking, Gao Zhun received a phone call. At first he listened quietly. In the end he spoke with a coldness that bordered on cruelty. “You’ve been with me for five years, and you give me this kind of problem. Thirty seven million. Don’t come to me. Handle it yourself!”

After hanging up, Fang Chi asked what was going on. Gao Zhun only said lightly, “A collector’s grade artwork. Got chemical substances on it. That kid can forget about working anymore.”

The lighting was dim and yellow. His soft facial contours seemed somewhat unreal. Fang Chi thus changed the subject. “How did you and Linlin meet?”

“Through work,” with a drink in hand, Gao Zhun seemed to fully relax at last. “We had an exhibition. Needed a ballet dancer.”

Fang Chi guessed he came to this kind of place often. “She’s not easy to pursue.”

“She pursued me,” Gao Zhun said proudly, winking at him. “She said she’d never had a boyfriend before. But I don’t believe it.”

Fang Chi’s face stiffened slightly. He shook his head and laughed. “I don’t believe it either.”

That day they were both a bit tipsy. Even a week later, when they met again at the clinic door, that faint tipsiness from the tavern seemed not to have dissipated. At least Fang Chi felt that way. He smiled and extended his arm toward Gao Zhun, politely inviting him in. But Gao Zhun just stood at the doorway, staring at him in disbelief. Fang Chi felt something was off, but couldn’t put his finger on it. Until Gao Zhun glanced back at Secretary Feng. Only then did he realize. It was the air conditioner.

Sure enough, Gao Zhun avoided looking at his face. “Miss Feng said the air conditioner wasn’t broken last week.”

Fang Chi’s heart sank. He wanted to explain, but Gao Zhun immediately followed up. “Why did you lie to me?”

The expression on his face was angry and sad, like a child abandoned by his father. Fang Chi knew he had wounded him again on top of his wounds. “That was just a technique…”

“A technique?” Gao Zhun looked like he was about to cry. “Everything you used on me was a technique, and not…” His mouth hung open empty, but Fang Chi knew what he wanted to say was “genuine feeling.”