Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 12

“Baby I’m not Rihanna. so I don’t love the way you lie.”

Anonymous

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I thought about it, and I realized I never even knew his full name. He never told me… even on the cover of our joint project, it just said Khun Jane Palakorn.

‘Does that padlock pendant have a meaning? Or do you just wear it because you like it?’

‘It does.’ ‘Really? What is it?’ ‘It’s locking something away.’ ‘Locking what? Tell me.’ ‘A secret.’ ‘… ‘

‘Just kidding!’ He ruffled my hair hard.’ Look at your face, you’re so scared.’ I was completely confused. I started overthinking, feeling that he actually did have secrets and wasn’t just joking. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he tell me he was biracial, or whatever he actually is? And then there’s the fact that he’s twenty-seven years old. Being only a senior but twenty-seven? That’s insane. And with a brain like P’Jane’s, there’s no way he failed or had to repeat a year-not in high school, and certainly not in university. His nickname is “Jane the God.” He has a photographic memory; he’s the king of straight A’s. How is it possible he’s that age and still hasn’t finished his bachelor’s degree? It’s crazy… what is going on?! I clutched my head, feeling a dizzying headache like I was trapped in a labyrinth with no exit. This isn’t a small thing. P’Jane is seven years older than me, and he never uttered a single word about it…. What else about him is there that I still don’t know?

“Alright, students. Today we will begin the Waltz. Everyone, watch me first.” Professor Rape partnered with Gib as usual to demonstrate. The Waltz is quite slow compared to the other basic dances we’d learned, played at only 31 measures per minute. It’s nothing like the Cha-Cha-Cha. However, the Waltz has its own difficulty in the elegance each couple must present-it must look fluid, smooth, sentimental, and evocative. In real ballroom competitions, the Waltz is always the first dance shown to the judges. It’s the one and only chance to make a first impression. Most competitors spend 40% of their practice time on the Waltz alone. It is, quite literally, the most important rhythm in ballroom dance.

“Alright everyone, pair up!” I stepped forward to join hands with P’Jane. I started counting the rhythm in my head as the professor taught and locked eyes with my partner. P’Jane was always a great lead; his dance experience was something you couldn’t overlook. Because the Waltz is slow, I picked it up faster than the other moves. Yet, I knew deep down I couldn’t project any “sentimental emotion” through my dancing. All I was doing was a standard, emotionless routine. P’Jane smiled.

“You’re getting better at dancing, Jane.” I gave a small smile back and cocked an eyebrow. “People have to improve. Besides, the steps aren’t that hard.”

“Not hard, huh?”

“That’s what I think.” After a while, the professor started the music. I felt I was much more fluent in this dance than the others-sometimes I didn’t even have to count in my head. Maybe I was getting used to ballroom, or maybe I was a “Waltz God.” Yeah, right… I stared into P’Jane’s black eyes, which were staring right back. I decided to initiate.” P’Jane.” “Yeah?” “So, what does the name ‘Jane’ actually stand for?”

“It’s just Jane.” Liar…

“Why do you ask, Nong Jenalee?” he asked back. I kept a pleasant face even though my heart twitched at his answer. We glided across the room following the steps. I took the chance to ask before spinning out.

“Nothing. I’m just still curious why i’s just ‘Jane.’ Are you biracial?” P’Jane pulled me back to face him, a faint smile on his tall frame.

“No. I’m not biracial. Can’t a Thai person be named Jane?” Liar… Total liar. I smiled at his words even though I was pained by being lied to so blatantly. It felt like being slapped hard in the face. I never expected to be lied to like this. Suddenly, I felt like screaming at him, but… what would be the use? The question about how old he actually was got swallowed back down. He would never tell me the truth. Never. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I knew, but I didn’t dare ask again. Since he’d said that, it was clear he was hiding something. And why do people hide things? If it’s something good, you usually want to announce it to the world. But when you have something rotten hidden away… that’s what you want to shove as deep under a beautiful rug as possible. That’s what you want to bury forever. Lying is the easiest, fastest cover-up. It is the first act of concealing any kind of wrongdoing. Now, the feeling surrounding me was one of distinct fear. I was afraid, even though I didn’t know what I was afraid of. It caused my behavior to change visibly. Usually, I was glued to P’Jane, but now I made excuses that I was busy. When we passed each other, I’d say I was in a rush. In our Abnormal Psychology class, I told him I had to sit with Reuk so he wouldn’t be upset-even though Reuk never said a word. It was risky because P’Jane would surely get suspicious; Reuk usually understood why I sat with P’Jane. I didn’t know how much longer I could avoid him. “Putt, where are you going?”

“Back to the dorm. I haven’t finished my EC essay. The outline is trash. Checking the first draft tomorrow.”

“Really? Can I come? I’ll help.”

“Seriously? Is yours done?” “Finished it the day before yesterday. So, can I come?”

“Sure… you’re acting weird. Is there something you want to talk about?”“ No.”

“Aren’t you playing football today?” Gap popped his head in to ask. I shook my head.

“No. Not in the mood.”

“Are you sick? Skipping football to help Putt with an essay? Shit! I have to record this moment!”

“Shut up, you jerk.” I cursed at Gap as he tried to record a video. We split up; Sherry went with her boyfriend, and Namkhing went with a freshman she was talking to (pretty girls are never free for long). I walked to Putt’s car, which was now fully repaired and spotless.

“So, did you ever find out what happened to the car?”” Forget it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” “Okay, okay. I won’t bring it up,” I said. If my friend didn’t want to talk, I wouldn’t push. Putt turned toward the back of the university where his dorm was. Gap was at the front, Putt was at the back, and P’Jane… was much further away. He lived in a luxury condo.

“Want to eat something first? You hungry, Jane?” “Yeah, a bit. Last meal was at 11: 00 AM.”

“What do you want? My treat.”

“Why do you always want to treat me? No way, I’ll pay for myself.” We decided on “Hia’s Pork Leg Rice.” While waiting for the food, we chatted about random things until a voice cut through the air.

“Putt! Putt, hey!” We turned toward the voice and called out the name simultaneously.” P’Dan!” “Oh, Jane’s here too? Hey kid, haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m good, P’Dan,” I answered with a small smile. I wasn’t as close to P’Dan as Putt was, but he was always generous and friendly to the juniors. “P’Dan, want to sit with us? It’s just the two of us,” Putt said . “Yeah, thanks.

Place is packed, all the tables are full. Good thing I ran into you guys.”“ Take a seat, P,” I motioned to the empty chair.” How’s the ‘Dino’ coming along?” Putt asked . (Short for Dynamometer center, a test center for measuring engine power).

“Just starting up. Not ready to open yet,” Dan answered , taking a sip from Putt’s water.

“Mind if I have some?”

“Go ahead, I’ll order a new one.”

“When I open, I’ll let you do a free test run first. Okay?” “Whoa, P’Dan! You’re the best!”

“Putt, go order some pork leg for me. Skin only, no meat. Extra large, and two eggs.”

“Got it.”

“And this meal is on me, kids.”

“No, P!” we protested, but Dan insisted.

“So you’re opening a Dino, P’Dan?” I asked to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah, but it’s just the beginning. It’s exhausting.” “Must be.”

“Exhausting as hell. My dad and my girlfriend are helping out. Profit is secondary right now; I’m hoping for the connections.” “Whoa, but you know so many people. I’m sure it’ll go well.” “I hope so, kid,” Dan said , raising his hands in a mock blessing.

Since he was a senior, just like someone else, I couldn’t help but steer the conversation. “By the way, P’Dan, do you know P’Jane?” “Jane? You mean ‘Jane the God’?” “Yes.” It wasn’t surprising Dan called him that instead of “P’Jane,” since they were in the same year. Dan narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re talking to him, aren’t you?

What do you want to ask me?” I choked up, suddenly speechless.

“What? You think I don’t know you guys are talking? It’s famous. The whole university knows.” “… Hehe, yeah.”“ Ask away.”

“Um… are you close with P’Jane?” He shrugged.

“We’re in the same year. We know each other.”” Then you probably know some things about him.”

“I do… why? Want to know about his ex-girlfriend?” Dan teased. I answered quickly. “Oh, I’m not interested in that. I already know he had a girlfriend in this university and they broke up in their second year.” Dan frowned.

“Jane never had a girlfriend in this university.” I froze.

“You’re the first person anyone has seen him mess with. An ex-girlfriend in the uni? None. I was actually thinking if you asked, I’d say I didn’t know because I’ve never seen him hit on or talk to anyone.”

“But… P’Jane told me he broke up with his latest girlfriend in sophomore year.”

“No way. Impossible. Absolutely no way,” Dan insisted firmly.” During sophomore year, I was close to him-well, ‘close’ is a strong word.

Let’s just say we had to be together a lot back then. We practically ate and slept in the same places. And I guarantee a million percent: Jane never had a girlfriend in college.” Then why did he tell me that… ? He lied to me again? Even about something like this? I didn’t understand. No, this wasn’t just a lie; it was a fabrication.

“Is that your only question, Jane?” “No… P’Dan, I haven’t asked anything yet.”” That’s what I thought.”” Then, based on what you said… can I ask why you guys aren’t close anymore? You were best friends once.” Dan burst out laughing.

” Who told you I was his friend?”

“Huh… ?” “Jane? A person like him doesn’t have friends.” Dan looked at me with a cold, strange smile I’d never seen before. There was a hint of stress and hidden resentment in his eyes.

“Does he even count anyone as a friend?”

“Since you’ve known Jane, have you ever met a single one of his friends? A real friend?” “But… but he’s always with a group of friends… ”

“Those people aren’t Jane’s friends. They are his hands and feet. They’re people who have to serve him because they are bound to him by some obligation.”

“If they were friends, why don’t you know them? Jane should know your friends too, right?” It was true.

“Because he has no friends, he doesn’t need to introduce anyone to you. On the surface, he can talk to anyone. But he has no real friends.”

“Jane, how did you end up falling in love with a monster like that?” Dan suddenly turned to me, his voice sounding like an explosion of suppressed emotion.

“Someone innocent like you will be chewed up until there’s nothing left. What is he thinking, messing with you? Is he planning to trick you? I don’t trust him at all.”

“Didn’t Putt warn you? That idiot, letting his friend get involved with… that.” He shook his head when he saw how pale I had turned.” Fine. He’s your future boyfriend, I won’t say more. If you run and tell him, I’ll be the one in trouble. But to hell with it-whatever he does to me couldn’t be more painful than what’s already happened. That bastard Jane.” “P’Dan! Hia says can he mix in some meat? The skin is almost out!” Putt shouted .

“Yeah, fine!” Dan shouted back. We didn’t speak of it again once Putt sat down. Before leaving, Dan patted my shoulder.

“You can forget what I said, Jane. But I won’t tell you l was joking. Because I wasn’t.””… ” “Even if we aren’t close, you’re like a little brother to me… If you’ve made your choice, don’t pay it any mind. Because paying it any mind… won’t help.” Dan left, leaving me with a weight even heavier than before. I arrived at Putt’s dorm like a soulless ghost. My ears were ringing.” Jane… Jane!!” “Huh!! Yeah, Putt?” I jumped. I was sitting on his bed. Putt looked at me with a mix of confusion and worry. He put his hand on my forehead.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you sick? I’ve been calling your name forever.” “… I’m… just blurry… Sorry. What did you say? Say it again, I’ll listen.” Putt sat down next to me, staring into my eyes.

“Is something wrong? It’s weird that you asked to come to my room. You never do that unless we’re back late. If there’s something, just say it.” I stayed silent. Putt sighed and stood up.

“Suit yourself. I’m going to write the essay.” I grabbed the hem of Putt’s shirt. My hand was shaking violently. My voice was a trembling wreck. “Putt… ” He turned back.

“What, Jane?”

“Putt… I saw P’Jane’s ID. He was born in ’94. He’s twenty-seven. And he’s not even Thai; it’s an American ID. Putt, I know nothing about him. I don’t know who I’m talking to anymore. And I’m so scared I don’t dare ask him. I don’t know what to do.” My words flooded out like a burst dam. I’d held this in for days, and now I exploded.

“And P’Dan said weird things to me… things like you told me. He said P’Jane never had a girlfriend, but P’Jane told me himself he broke up with one in sophomore year. Why does he have to lie to me? What is this? Is anything he told me true? I’m scared, Putt. I’m scared… ”

“Jane, calm down.”

“I’ve been calm until I’m frozen! You see it!”

“Jane, compose yourself.” Putt gripped my shoulders and shook me slightly. He wasn’t even mad that I was snapping at him. He rubbed my back.

“Putt… I want to cry… ”

“Then cry. I’ll comfort you right here.” I let the tears of confusion flow. I felt Putt’s embrace. I didn’t know why he was hugging me… but it made me feel slightly better.

“Jane… I’ve been warning you because I’m worried. I love you, man… ” “I’m sorry for crying… I’m so… weak… ”

“Just cry. It’s okay. Even if you’re weak… it’s okay.”

“Putt… you already knew these things, didn’t you? That’s why you aren’t surprised.” Putt didn’t answer, which was an answer in itself. He knew. He knew P’Jane was twenty-seven, and probably a lot more that I didn’t.

“Jane… stop seeing P’Jane. Please? Can you?””… ”

“Can you?” I could only cry because I didn’t know if I could. I still liked that man. The man named Jane. The man full of mystery. The man everyone called dangerous. But I was terrified of him now. I’ve never liked dangerous things; I’m a sensitive person. Why did he have to play with my heart when he knew exactly what kind of person l am? Why lie… ? Why hide… ?

“Jane… stop seeing him. Someone as good as you will find someone good to love… don’t think no one loves you.” Putt’s words flowed into me, but l gave no answer. I just cried. That night, I didn’t go home. I slept at Putt’s dorm until morning. “Jane, did you and P’Jane have a fight?” I looked at Gap, startled, but controlled my face.

“No. Why do you ask?” Gap shrugged, flipping through his notes. “Because P’Jane came looking for you at the football field last night.” I froze.

“I was confused, so I told him you didn’t come to play. He didn’t say anything and just left.”

“Did you tell him anything else?” “I told him you were helping Putt with an essay. He said he’d call you himself. But I guessed from the fact that he trudged all the way to the field that you hadn’t spoken to him-which usually means a fight, right?” “We didn’t fight.” We hadn’t fought. I wasn’t lying. I thought about the three missed calls from last night and the many LINE messages I’d ignored. Suddenly, I felt a strange fear. Why had he become like a toxic fog that I was afraid to enter? Just a short while ago, I was daydreaming about him every day. “Okay then. Go talk to him yourself.” “Yeah, it’s nothing.”

“I thought you were pouting. You’re sensitive and a chronic overthinker. I even told him: ‘Good luck, P’!'” You idiot… 6: 15 PM. If I go in now, I’ll be on time. I won’t be marked absent. I stared at the ballroom classroom door. My heart was beating out of sync. It felt like the door of my life. I hesitated immensely. I could hear the faint sound of a Waltz leaking from under the door. No… no, I can’t do it. I’m not ready to face P’Jane. If I see his face, what will I say? How will I answer for not taking his calls or replying to his messages for a whole week? I need to find my footing first. I turned and ran as fast as I could away from the classroom. My shoes clattered against the floor, echoing through the building. I stood panting on the second floor-the cafeteria level. It was silent and desolate. Only a few lights were on because the shops closed at 4: 00 PM. God, it felt like a ghost building. I hate this atmosphere. Since I’d decided to skip, I should just go home. “Baby… ” I froze. A familiar voice from behind-not close, but not far-made my blood turn to ice. I gasped. The scent of perfume mixed with a faint hint of cigarettes filled my lungs. My heart shattered on the floor. The deep voice spoke again.

“Since when did it become me being avoided? Why didn’t I know?”