Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 18

I’m at the heartbreak hotel I’m gonna take sometimes to love myself

Gotta try to forget you Gotta learn to forgive you

But I’m not checking out till I’m over you

“Jane… you look so worn out.” Namkhing spoke up one day. I forced the brightest smile I could manage for my friend.

“I’ve just been studying hard every night.”” But… we think you look too exhausted. Are you getting any sleep at all?”

“Of course. Tons of sleep.”

“Really… ?”

“Yes, Khing! I’m just serious about midterms. I’m hoping for top grades in every subject this round. I just finished my last exam this morning and I nailed it.”

“If something is bothering you, you can tell us, you know. Midterms are over. It’s a long time until finals, so you don’t need to push yourself so hard anymore.” I nodded and chatted for a few more sentences to put her at ease before turning back to my lecture sheets. The truth was, I couldn’t sleep at all. Three weeks had passed, yet the poison of a broken heart remained chronic, refusing to fade. I didn’t want to spend my nights crying because my younger brother, Jet, would find out. Being typical brothers, he’d just offer a few words of comfort, pat my shoulder, and go back to sleep-but I knew he was uneasy seeing me in a never-ending slump. Besides, I didn’t want him worrying about me; at seventeen, he should be focusing on university entrance exams. So, I bottled it all up. It was even worse because the last two weeks were midterm season. I tried to turn the crisis into an opportunity by using my insomnia to study like a madman, but I couldn’t deny the mass of sorrow packed inside me. It felt like it was overflowing, choking me every single minute. I could only hope-truly hope-that this nightmare would end soon.

“Ugh! Getting into campus today was a nightmare. Traffic is insane, and there are people everywhere!” Putt showed up at our table, fanning his collar and complaining non-stop. Sherry looked up to join the conversation.

“Of course it’s busy, Putt. Today is the grand rehearsal for Graduation Day.”

“Right, that explains the crowds. Man, I wonder if I’ll ever actually graduate.”

“You will!” me, Sherry, and Namkhing shouted in unison, throwing things from the table at him. The five of us had promised to graduate together; that’s why we dragged each other through classes every day.

“Where’s Gap?”

“Gone for a smoke,” I answered.

“Me too then.”

“I’m back, I’m back!” Gap ran out of nowhere and put his arms around me and Putt.

“Come on, everyone! Pack your things!”

“Pack what?”

“Let’s go congratulate the seniors! P’Tor’s gang, they’re in my cheer group. We won’t be in class on the actual graduation day because the university is closed anyway, so let’s go today.”

“Actually, that’s a good idea,” Sherry said .

“P’Im and P’Plai are graduating this round too. Let’s go congratulate them.”

“What about class?”

“Oh, come on, Jane! We still have two hours. Are you going to sit here until you grow roots? Let’s go!” The five of us marched toward the concert hall and the great assembly hall used for graduation. The air was thick with the joyful faces of relatives and friends. It made me feel refreshed. Have I mentioned I love the graduation atmosphere? Even with the scorching sun, the rain, or the chaos of the car ban-everyone looks so happy despite being exhausted. It’s the sight of seeing the “fruit of their labor” finally succeed, taking photos together in academic gowns. On the way, Sherry bought two sashes for her cheerleading seniors, while Namkhing bought a bouquet for an ex-fling who had turned into a friend. Gap and Putt bought long-stemmed flowers. I didn’t buy anything. Aside from my own friends, I wasn’t particularly close to any seniors. I knew their faces, but there was no one I wanted to congratulate specially.

“Gap! Gap, over here!”

“Oh, P’Win!” We half-ran toward P’Win, who was standing there smiling in his graduation gown. P’Win was a senior we all knew and were quite close with. He was a great guy and very handsome; back in the day, he was one of the campus celebrities.

“Here, P’. Congratulations!”

“Wow, thanks a lot! Come here, everyone. This is my mom. Mom, these are my juniors. This is Gap, Jane, Putt, Khing, and Sherry.”

“Hello, children! Thank you so much for coming. Since you’re here, take some photos with Win. I want to keep them.”

“Sure!” The photographer hired by P’Win’s mom snapped several shots. Soon, the girls saw their own seniors and split off, leaving us three guys talking to P’Win.

“Jane.”

“Yes, P’Win?” He gave me his usual playful smile.

“Nothing for me?”

“Oh, I didn’t buy anything, P’. Sorry.”

“Man, what’s up with that? You’re so quiet today.” Gap immediately threw an arm around my neck.

“He’s heartbroken lately. Just got back to being single. If he seems a bit dazed or blurry, just forgive him, P’. Consider it an act of charity.”

“Heh heh.” You jerk, Gap. Why tell him that?

“Oh, really?”

“So, what are you doing now, P’Win?” I asked quickly to change the subject before he could pry.

“Oh, I’m at Ex… Corporation,” P’Win mentioned a giant American energy company.

“Are you still taking photos?” Putt asked .

“Still doing it as a hobby. I don’t have time to go on trips like l used to.”

“Where’s P’Fang? Is she with her friends?” Gap looked around for P’Win’s girlfriend. They had been dating since freshman year.

“Oh… Fang didn’t come to the graduation. It wasn’t convenient for her.”

“Why not?” Gap and I asked together.

“Well… Fang is pregnant.”

“Whoa! You’re going to be a dad? Congratulations, P’!”

“No. Fang isn’t pregnant with my child.” An awkward silence fell. Gap, Putt, and I just stood there blinking. P’Win’s mom looked at her son with concern. P’Win laughed until his eyes turned into crescents.

“Hey, don’t make those faces, you guys. I’m okay. Let it go. We just weren’t meant to be. Don’t look at me with pity, Gap. I’m fine. It’s a life experience. If you don’t believe me, ask my momn. Right, Mom? I’m great.” His mother gave a weary smile.

“If you’re okay, thať’s good. I’m just happy Win isn’t hugging a liquor bottle and crying anymore.”

“Mom! Don’t expose me!” We finally laughed, and the tension broke. P’Win’s mom asked us to take individual photos with him. I was last.

“Jane, hold onto Win’s shoulder, dear. I want you to look close.” I felt a bit awkward since I wasn’t that close to him, but P’Win put his left arm around my shoulder, pulling me in.

“Smile… Three, two, one! Perfect!” The photographer spoke, and P’Win turned to smile at me.

“Have you lost weight, Jane? You feel so light.”

“Like I told you, P’, he’s pining away.”

“Gap, shut up.”

“P’Win, we have to go now. Have to congratulate the others.”

“Sure, let’s grab a meal sometime!” Over the next two weeks, my relationship with P’Win developed steadily. Slow… and gradual. We’d been talking for about a month now. It was a comfortable relationship that was good for both our hearts. Perhaps because we were both bruised by love, we were cautious. I didn’t want to dive in headfirst and end up dying of pain like last time. My last love was like a flame-intense, burning through my body and soul, only to be extinguished by a bucket of ice water. Having P’Win in my life refreshed me. I even went back to playing football. Gap teased me endlessly as I sat there grinning at my phone while chatting with him. P’Win asked for a selfie, and he sent one back.

Jane: Why that face?

Win: Booooored.

Jane:Why bored?

Win:Just now. A senior in my department dumped his work on me again. I wanted to scream “Fuck you, man!” But in real life?

“Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir. Whatever you say, boss.”

Jane:Hahahahaha! Poor thing. Hang in there!

Win: Definitely. I’m going to use my bonus to treat a certain someone to a big meal.

Jane: Who?:

P Win: Someone around here.

“Jane, are you with me?”

“Y… Yes!”

Jane:P’Win, I have to go. The teacher is glaring. I typed quickly and shoved the phone in my pocket. Professor Samantha was looking at me with a look that said she didn’t appreciate me playing with my phone in her class. I bit my lip, accepting the blame. I was embarrassed; I felt like my guilt was on public display. But I brought it on myself.

“Okay, so now we will start matching again for the project.” Ugh. Another project? What’s the topic? I wasn’t listening. Professor Samantha handed a cup with names to a third-year student. I sat at the back, waiting for my name.

“Jane.” I flinched.

“Aha, P’Jane got Nong Jane again. You two come sit together.” No way… I was shocked, but not wanting to be scolded again, I scrambled to pack my things. But then another senior spoke up.” Nong Jane? Professor Samantha, I got Nong Jane too.” P’Pui was confused. I was confused. Professor Samantha was also confused.

“Maybe I got confused and accidentally repeated the names. So Pui, you wait until the drawing is finished so you can match with whoever is left.”

“No problem.” So, I had to be his partner anyway. I sat down next to P’Jane. The scent of his perfume mixed with his natural scent wafted into mny nose, making me feel dizzy with nostalgia. I remembered how much I loved this scent… even now, I still liked it. But I didn’t show any emotion. We still had ballroom class every week, even though the dancing wasincredibly tense. We sat together in silence. My phone buzzed. Win: How’s it going? Get scolded much? I’m sorry! Jane: It’s okay lol. I was enjoying our chat too much. Putting it away now. Win: Okay. I’ll call you tonight. Jane: We’re seeing each other tomorrow anyway! If you work late, we can just talk then. P’Win had invited me to his friend’s photography exhibition tomorrow. Since it was a public holiday and the university was closed, I could go.

“What day should we start?” P’Jane asked.”… ”

“Tomorrow is a holiday. We can do it tomorrow if you’re free,” he replied as if nothing had ever happened between us. I looked up and saw he had been staring at me for a long time.

“I can’t. I’m busy tomorrow.” He crossed his arms and tilted his head.

“Busy doing what? Is it that important? If we wait for another day, I might not be free either.”

“There must be another day you’re free,” I argued, getting annoyed.

“I’m not free. I have a lot of business. You should know that better than anyone, shouldn’t you?”

“But you used to have so much free time,” I snapped. He used to have all the time in the world for me. His right cheek twitched-that gesture that was somewhere between a smile and a smirk. I hated that I remembered every detail of him.

“I’m not free lately. If we start tomorrow, it’ll be better for the project.”

“But I’m not free!” I shouted, reaching the end of my rope. I stuffed my things into my bag.

“If we can’t agree, we’ll talk later.” In my frustration, I knocked my brand-new eraser off my lap. It landed on his lap. I reached for it, but he was faster.

“Give me back my eraser.” I held out my hand. He smiled-the villainous smile from the first day we met.

“Fine.” He popped the eraser into his mouth. I was speechless. With the eraser still between his teeth, he mumbled: “But you have to take it back with your mouth.” He raised an eyebrow, still smirking.

“Come on.” “… Disgusting!” I stood up and stomped out with the other students. I spent ten minutes in the bathroom trying to calm down. I was fuming all the way to the front of the campus. Is he insane? Being such a jerk over an eraser and a project. I have a date, for God’s sake! Honk! Honk! A Maserati Levante pulled up beside me. The window rolled down, and he smiled at me.

“Want a lift to the front gate?” Damn… how many cars does this man have? His face still held that slight smile-mocking, intimidating, yet alluring all at once.

“It’s just a short ride. I won’t count it as a favor.” His rare, striking handsomeness was as impressive as ever. He gestured for me to get in.

“Come on.”

“Don’t bother! I can walk!” In the split second I almost reached for the door handle, I caught myself and shouted. The owner of the locket necklace turned to look at the road ahead, his smile not fading an inch.

“As you wish.” The luxury car sped away. I watched it disappear, feeling a tiny bit of regret for not taking the ride. It was dark, after all. But if he really wanted to help, he should have insisted more! Whatever. I shouldn’t accept anything from him so he can’t claim I owe him later. Remember, Jenalee-that man is not normal! The photography exhibition was hosted by P’Ek, a senior P’Win respected. I looked at a large photo.

“The light in this one is beautiful.”

“Yeah, P’Ek has a very clear signature,” P’Win said. I yawned. It wasn’t boring, but the art atmosphere was so calm and relaxing that my body was releasing serotonin.

“Sorry, is this too boring for you?”

“No, P’Win! The music and atmosphere are just so peaceful. I’m just very relaxed.”” I’m gettig hungry anyway. Want to go?”

“Great mind! I want Tom Yum noodles.”

“Let’s look at one more corner and then head out.” I followed P’Win to a white wall. Two large photos were hung, but about six others were still covered with silver cloths. These photos were larger than I was.

“Hold my brochure for a second,” P’Win said.

“Going to the bathroom. Wait for me here.”

“Okay.” As I waited, the silver cloths covering the six large frames were suddenly pulled down simultaneously. I stood there, mouth agape. These were… photos of me at the park! I was in shock as people crowded around to look at” me.” P’Win had captured the light beautifully. The close-up portraits were in black and white, making me look mysterious and alluring-not like myself at all. I didn’t know I could look like that.

“What do you think? Do you like it?” P’Win walked back, smiling.” P’Win… ”

“Beautiful, right? I picked my absolute favorites. These six were too good to cut. Look at this one-your eyes look so lonely yet captivating. There’s a magnetic pull in them.”

“P… P’Win, I’m honored, but… I don’t like being the center of attention like this. If it was just for us to see, it would be fine.”

“Once in a while is fine. You look great. Look, everyone is admiring them.” I felt awkward. People were staring at the photos, and I worried they’d think I was full of myself for being a model. Some people even started taking photos of the photos with their phones, even though P’Ek had a strict no-photography rule. I hated this.

“P’Win, I’m happy, really… but I’m embarrassed. I’m not perfect. What will people think? Please take them down.”

“Jane, art is about imperfection. At is art. Everything is beautiful in its own way. Even in cracks, there is beauty. And you’re so lovely-be confident.” “Win! Win!” P’Ek ran over to us.

“Win! Someone just offered to buy all six of your photos!”

“Whoa, that’s awesome!”

“What!?” I nearly fainted.

“My photos!?”

“Yes, these photos. They offered a very high price. You’ll definitely want to sell, Win.”

“Who is it, P’Ek? Who’s the buyer?”

“His name is Khun Jane Patrick Palakorn. Foreign name, but his Thai is perfect. He’s standing over there with a check waiting for you. Come on, Win!”