Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 29

I don’t wanna keep you up

But show me, can you keep it up?

Cause then I’ll have to keep you up

Shit maybe, I’m keep you up, boy I’m not sure if it was the best trip of my life, but let’s just say

…

I felt exhausted every single night. Even though it was tiring, it was a good kind of happy. A mix of exhaustion, joy, and being completely “full.” We traveled in Japan for two weeks-so long that I had to buy a whole new wardrobe.

We visited many cities and changed hotels countless times. The more romantic the atmosphere of the hotel or ryokan we stayed in, the longer and more intense those nights became… burning hot, exploding like stardust… over and over, endlessly. Does that sound too naughty? Fine, I’ll stop explaining then.

By the time we returned to Thailand, I felt like my body had fallen into the exact same rhythm as Jane Patrick. Even our walking pace matched, adjusted automatically. We got hungry at the same time, sleepy at the same time, woke up at nearly the same moment, and naturally picked up each other’s catchphrases.

Once, while it was raining, he started whistling and I started humming-it was the same song, the same verse, at the exact same time without meaning to. P’Jane smirked, looked at my face, and said clearly: “We’re just like a married couple who’s been together for ten years.”

“P’Jane! Over-the-top!” How could he say “husband and wife” so boldly? Isn’t he embarrassed? You might not be, but l am! As for my former friend, Putt, we’ve completely cut ties. Putt knew he should fade away because ever since this semester started, Gap, Sherry, Namking, and I haven’t hung out with him at all. Putt didn’t enroll in the same classes as us; he split off to join a new group of friends who share his hobby of street racing. Sometimes I feel a twinge of regret for the friendship we had since freshman year, but in the end, I have to admit I truly can’t bring myself to forgive him. As for P’Jane and me, we never spoke of that matter again.

“Argh! This is so hard! No matter how much I read, I don’t get it. I’m done with this shit!” I ruffled my hair, complaining loudly, and slammed the book shut. What the hell? School just started and there’s a quiz already? Being a university student is a truly cruel stage of life.

“Where are you going?” The deep voice of the tall man shouted from the balcony where he was smoking, seeing me leave my desk.

“Getting a beer!” I shouted back from the fridge. P’Jane laughed so loud I secretly wished he’d choke on his own cigarette smoke.

“Is it really that stressful?” I popped the beer can with a loud fizz, took a huge gulp, and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand before shouting back.

“A smart guy like you wouldn’t understand, P’Jane!” I walked out to the balcony where the tall man was already savoring his cigarette. I came out to soak in the taste of the cold beer and the night view with him.

“Sigh, I’m so bored of reading. It’s so hard,” I grumbled.

“Which subject? Maybe I can tutor you.”

“Every subject. Sophomore year, third term is the heaviest.” Don’t forget, we’re in an international program with three terms per year. He and I met during the second term.

“Yeah, it gets heavy from the end of sophomore year through junior year. Once you hit senior year, it’ll be chill again,” even P’Jane agreed.

“I’m jealous of you, P’. This is your last term and then you’re done. You won’t have to struggle with books anymore.”

“Life is endless learning. It’s not just about school books.”

“True… after the Bachelor’s comes the Master’s. Sigh,” I continued to ramble.

“Have you thought about what you’ll do after you graduate this degree?” He shrugged and shook his head, indicating he hadn’t planned anything yet.

“I’m just gonna live my life with those ‘favors’ I keep getting first.” I nodded slowly in understanding as I raised the can to my lips. That’s right… he has plenty of missions regarding those “favors” that are much more important than this graduation. I shouldn’t forget that, in reality, he’s already graduated with a Bachelor’s once before.

“After my dream of being a judge was destroyed, I haven’t had a clear dream since.” Not knowing how to respond, I stayed quiet and kept drinking. To say “Jane understands you, P'” would be a lie. I’ve never had my dreams crushed or been forbidden from ever going near them again. So, silence was better. I felt the amber liquid refresh my throat. After a few more gups, I offered the can to him.

“You want some?”

“Nah.” P’Jane shook his head, tapping his cigarette ash into the ashtray. I once asked him why he didn’t just flick it off the balcony. His answer-that it was socially irresponsible-impressed me quite a bit. Since I don’t smoke, I don’t know much about smoking etiquette; I never even considered that it could cause a fire. He glanced at me, speaking with a voice laced with a faint smirk.

“You drink it, Jane. If I finish it, I ‘Il just have some stingy kid here complaining in my ear until I go deaf.”

“Whoa, you’ve gotten quite cheeky lately, P’.”

“And who did I catch that from?”

“Are you saying you caught bad habits from me?”

“Exactly.” I slapped his arm with a loud thwack.

“Well, you’re the one who leaves the bathroom floor wet before heading to class. I have to complain, don’t I? I’ve told you l don’t like a wet bathroom.”

“It’s called a ‘bathroom.’ It’s meant to be wet. It’s not called a ‘dry room, ‘” he turned to face me seriously.

“Even in English, it’s a ‘bathroom, ‘ and ‘bath’ means you are soaking yourself in the water, so of course it’s gonna get wet.”

“Enough!” I swiped his hand away as he poked my forehead.

“I’m not gonna listen to that excuse. A bathroom can be dry and look pleasant. My bathroom at home was always dry. Since I was a kid, if any of the siblings left the floor wet and didn’t wipe it, they’d get hit.”

“Fine, fine. I wipe it for you every time now, don’t I? What are you still complaining for? You sound like my mother.”

“Hey, don’t talk to me like that.”

“You can sound like a wife, then.”” P’Jane!” He laughed again.

Realizing I’d lost the exchange, I just chugged my beer. My cheeks were flushed red, but as the buzz started to turn into slight drunkenness, a thought struck me.

“Come to think of it… I’ve never seen you drink, P’Jane.” He just smiled. I continued to mutter.

“Not a single drop… I’ve really never seen it.” “… ”

“No liquor, beer, or wine. Nothing.”

“Because I never allow myself to lose control.” ” Ah, I see.” How wicked.

“I thought you were allergic to alcohol.”

“A man like me is never ‘allergic’ or ‘defeated’ by anything. ” Wicked without a single weakness damn it. He cocked his right eyebrow after finishing that sentence and inhaled the grey smoke. The only reason he could smoke on this balcony was that this was the penthouse unit of the condo. The smell wouldn’t drift to bother any neighbors. Even so, Jane Patrick was careful enough to turn on the air purifier near the balcony every time he stepped out. He turned it on and off many times a day because he was a frequent smoker… I finished the beer and grumbled to myself.

“You don’t drink, but you smoke like they’re candies.”

“Smoking doesn’t make you lose your mind.” After saying that, he gave a small cough. From the sound of it, his throat was at least a bit irritated.

“Does your throat hurt?”

“Nope.”

“Watch out, you might die young, P’.”

“Dying soon might be for the best. This world isn’t exactly a place worth living in.” I went completely silent when he said that. It felt like being hit over the head with a rubber mallet; suddenly, my heart felt hollow.

“I’m kidding. Don’t go quiet on me like this.” I could tell he wasn’t kidding in the slightest-he was just saving face because he saw I was in shock. I quickly wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

“Can you not talk like that? I don’t like it when you talk about life and death.”

“Are you afraid you’ll be lonely/ if I die first?”

“I don’t know if I’d be lonely, because I have friends and siblings. But what I do know is that I would definitely miss you.” We looked at each other amidst the whistling wind of the night and the hum of the air purifier. I don’t know what pushed me to say that. Maybe it was the alcohol from that one beer surging through my veins, or maybe it was the sinking feeling of hearing him say he wanted to leave this world quickly. But I was certain of one thing: what l said came straight from my heart.

“Jane… ”

“Yes?”

“When you talk like this, I’m going to think you care about me.”

“I do care. I always care about you, P’Jane.”

“Not like that.”

“If not like that, then how?”

“I’ll think that you love me.” “… ”

“You don’t love me, do you?” “… !

“But I would want to stay on this world more-want to stay much longer-if there was someone who loved me. He gazed deep into my soul, as if searching for something within my eyes, before asking: “Jane, do you love me?”

“It’s late, P’. I’m going to go take a shower.” I spoke while turning away, tossing the empty beer can into the nearest trash bin. But my feet froze when he pulled me into a hug. A faint, gravelly voice whispered softly: “Even if you don’t love me… I love you, Jane.”

“P’Jane, I think you’re getting too immersed in this role.” I never forgot why we ended up here together. And I knew he hadn’t forgotten either. P’Jane didn’t answer. Many times, he liked to say things like this when the atmosphere took over-getting lost in the pretend roles and the drama that he himself had set the conditions for. His strong arms continued to hold me tight before he spoke again.” Jane, do you know what made me interested in you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You used to wonder, didn’t you? Back when we were actually dating… why I approached you.” “… Well, didn’t you say it was because my face looked ‘stupid’?”” No. I lied.”

“Your face never looked stupid in my eyes.””… ”

“I’m sorry for saying that back then.” Suddenly, I felt tears welling up on command. Hearing an apology for the very thing that had been a knot in my heart made me feel like that knot was finally loosening. It felt like a chronic wound was finally being treated. Or maybe I was just being too sensitive. It was such a small thing… but a small thing that had a massive effect on my heart. He stroked my head.

“I started being interested in you the first time I saw your face. And I got even more interested when you came to ask for your ball back. It’s because you’re cute.”

“D-don’t be crazy,” I said weakly. I was suddenly so embarrassed my cheeks felt like they were on fire. This was no different from confessing it was love at first sight.

“It’s true. Otherwise, why would I have looked at you so often?” He insisted while reminiscing.

“Being with you is fun. I still remember when you wrote that you loved me in a Google Doc.” Ugh, so embarrassing!

“But the moment I got seriously interested was because of your answer that day.”

“Which day?”

“The day I teased you by asking: If someone-who was actually me-could make your dream of being a writer come true like magic, would you accept it? And you refused, for the most honest reasons.” I laughed softly, wiping away tears while swallowing the lump of vulnerability in my throat.

“Looking back, my answer was pretty stupid. It was so naive and ‘socially idealistic’ that it’s almost funny, right?”

“Not at all. It was deeply impressive.” “In a world full of people looking for shortcuts, full of greed and every trick imaginable to reach their goals… you were pure and straightforward.” “Think about how impressed a man like me-someone who constantly fulfills the lust and greed of others-would be by that.” “I have so many good memories of you that I cherish. Another clear one, like it happened yesterday, was when you gave me that notebook.” My god… he remembered that? Even I had almost forgotten until he brought it up.

“It might sound funny, but when I got that notebook, I was so happy. I felt like someone actually cared about me. I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest.” He held me even tighter. I could feel the sincerity and happiness radiating from every word.

“My whole life, no one has ever given me anything. They only come to ask.”

“And then there was the time you ordered Basil Fried Rice for me because you knew I hadn’t eaten since 2 PM. You even sat there to eat with me as a friend, even though you were already full.”

“Thank you, Jane. I’m going to eat every last bite.”

“Just you ordering that Basil Fried Rice made me so incredibly happy.”

“Let’s eat together again sometime. Without being in a rush like that.” He remembered it all? Every little detail… The tall man turned me around to face him before gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. He stared deep into my eyes again.

“Jane, you’re a kid who looks like you’re about to break, yet you are so strong. You attract me so much.” His hand slid down to my neck, touching me ever so lightly.

“I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” His blunt confession left me speechless. It felt like hundreds of butterflies were fluttering joyfully in my stomach. Then, he leaned in and kissed my forehead gently.

“I like you best just the way you are.” “… ”

“Stay like this forever, Jane.” I nodded slowly. My sense of self-confidence was filled to the brim. It really exists-someone who likes me for being me. That who l am is good enough, and it is plenty. In the past, I was never this confident; I could always find something to criticize about myself, even the smallest things. “… Thank you, P’Jane.”

“Do you want to know why I was kicked out of Harvard?””… !” I flinched. I was startled because I never expected our conversation to lead here-the story I used to be so desperate to know. The secret others had asked me to dig up so they could have leverage over him. I had already decided I didn’t want to know it… but now, I was about to find out without even trying. Suddenly, he just let his guard down without any signs. His deep voice shifted into a cold laugh that sent shivers down my spine before he continued.

“It’s actually very funny, Jane. Really hilarious.” P’Jane looked out at the black sky, eyes flickering as if a fire were sparking within them. He slowly delved back into his past.

“I used to have a best friend. Yes, so close we would have died for each other. His name was Jacky. We were born just a week apart, lived in the same Bridgeport neighborhood, and went to the same schools since kindergarten. We were inseparable-people called us twins. Where there was Jane Patrick, there was Jacky. And where there was Jacky, there was Jane Patrick. He was Thai-American, too. We both had this crazy idea… that we wanted to rule the world. Even our intelligence was matched. My IQ is 200; his was 185. We were neck and neck. Since we were both that smart and thought so much alike, we figured it was better to be allies than enemies, right? We never had a single falling out. Two geniuses united-it was a glorious thing. I loved Jacky like he was my own brother.”” Until the day we both got into Harvard. We realized our intelligence wasn’t just useful for school; we could use it to make money and control people.” I didn’t say a word in response to that chilling tone and expression. At this moment, P’Jane didn’t seem to care about my reaction anyway. A fierce determination shone in his eyes. He continued without hesitation. “Harvard has take-home exams. It started small-just the two of us doing exams for classmates in exchange for limited-edition Nikes that Jacky wanted but couldn’t reserve in time. We were able to come up with entirely new sets of answers that never repeated our own. Eventually, we moved on to doing it for upperclassmen and underclassmen. The money and the perks made us very happy. Seeing those people come to us, begging… it gave us a sense of absolute power that’s hard to describe.” P’Jane’s face was full of energy, as if he were truly transporting himself back to those glory days.

“Our reputation spread until it became a serious business. Some people were even willing to trade their bodies for good grades. It taught me that money can’t buy intelligence; even at Harvard, there were people nowhere near as smart as us. I still remember the day my father burst through the door and asked, ‘Are you and Jacky dealing drugs? How is there this much money in your account?’ Jacky and I just went out for drinks and thought about how brilliantly we were challenging Harvard.” “We both graduated our first Bachelor’s degrees from Harvard with honors, no problem. We even got into Law School together right after.” He gave a mocking smile, thinking of his triumphant past.

“Our business kept expanding until it seemed like it would never stop. Eventually, we started doing something even bigger: taking the SAT and LSAT for other people.” I flinched slightly. By this point, I realized my shock might be coming too late. It was already startling that he dared to challenge the world’s number one university by cheating, but to actually take entrance exams for others… it wasn’t surprising that he had descended this far into the dark side.

“We moved from challenging Harvard to challenging the law. Until one day, Thompson walked up to me. I remember being scared to death that he’d caught us and we’d be expelled. But no-that old man came to ask us to help his daughter take the LSAT. Hahaha!” P’Jane’s laughter sounded more haunting than funny. So this was why Mr. Thompson was so afraid of him… the reason he couldn’t tell me what P’Jane had done. P’Jane would definitely hunt him down. He had his own skeletons in the closet. P’Jane spat on the ground in contempt before continuing. I had never seen him act like this.

“Isn’t it funny? An Ethics professor asking someone to impersonate his daughter for an exam because she’d failed more than six times. She must have been truly dim, but she was desperate to get into Harvard. Jacky agreed to do it because that old man threatened to report us if we didn’t. As if we had a choice.” “Jacky got her into Harvard Law as she wished. But I wasn’t about to let that old man pull that crap with us again. I dug into his weaknesses until I found out he’d been having an affair with a female student since her junior year until after she graduated. That old man was so terrified he practically knelt at my feet. He was scared I’d tell his wife and the university. He begged and begged. So I told him I’d stay quiet if he resigned and left the university for good. I told him never to threaten us again.”

“So the old man had to resign-early retirement to save his family life. In America, if your wife sues you for an affair, you can lose everything and end up homeless.” No wonder Mr. John Thompson feared P’Jane more than a ghost. No wonder… ” Everything seemed to go back to normal, but the business became even grander. Famous people from various industries started hiring us. Names so big you’d be even more shocked if I mentioned them.” He gave a gruesome smile. “Those people even had us help strategize to push their kids into top universities. It was a whole syndicate. The money circulating in this industry reached twenty-five million dollars.”

“Twenty-five million dollars, Jane. That’s almost eight hundred million Baht.” I was nearly faint with shock, but P’Jane just swatted a mosquito on his neck and spoke as calmly as if he were talking about five Baht. “Yeah. But I didn’t get all of it. There were many steps, many people taking a slice of the pie.” I was speechless. No wonder his father suspected he was a drug lord.

“Everything was going great. But then one day, while I was sitting in a lecture… ” P’Jane’s face suddenly filled with rage. He unclenched his jaw and continued, “The police burst in and arrested me right in the classroom. Jacky was the one who informed the university that I was doing take-home exams for others. He hacked my email, where I’d sent the answers, and printed them out in stacks as evidence. One hundred and fifty-two Harvard students were dragged down for cheating on their finals. Everyone-except Jacky. He got off scot-free.” “… What?!” “Yes. He betrayed me because he got greedy for the money flowing through our business. He thought he could do it alone. If he got rid of me, his share would triple. I still remember the last thing he said to me.” P’Jane’s face went rigid before he spoke with a terrifying smile. “JP bro, I think I can conquer the world without you.” My legs felt weak. Looking at P’Jane’s face, I felt a sudden surge of sympathy. Even though he had done something wrong, being betrayed like that by a best friend was brutal. I finally understood all the scary things he’d said in the past about not trusting anyone. It was because of this. I thought back to a conversation we’d had before. I remembered every word as if it were yesterday. ‘How many reasons are there for a person not to trust anyone?” Hmm? Does that mean you’ve had a bad experience?’ He had nodded, eyes still on the road.’ I was once betrayed.” Wait, really?’ ‘Really.’ ‘By a friend?’ He’d nodded again.’ Yeah. We were friends back then.’ P’Jane had continued as if reading my mind. “It didn’t end well. I already didn’t trust people easily. I thought I’d filtered them well, but I still missed it. It hit me hard. So I felt like… that’s enough. From now on, I’ll do it alone.”

“That’s awful… ” The tall man had smirked-a smirk that felt haunting.

“That’s how people are. They betray each other easily if there’s nothing held over them.’ Trust’ is just a stupid word.” Back on the balcony, P’Jane continued, “That bastard cleaned up his own evidence perfectly. I was expelled and sentenced by the court: barred for life from studying law or working in any legal capacity anywhere in the United States. All my personal accounts were audited for fraud. The girlfriend I’d been with for six years left me immediately. Of course-I wasn’t the ‘Ace of Harvard’ anymore. Who would want to date someone expelled from the best university in the world?” “P’Jane… ”

“That bastard Jacky. He destroyed everything. He thought he could conquer the world alone, without anyone standing beside him stealing the spotlight or the profit. In the end, humans are the most ridiculous animals. Fickle, deceptive, ready to stab you in the back for money.

“But he forgot one thing. He only had an IQ of 185. I have 200. Only a best friend knows a best friend’s secrets.” He went silent. He didn’t say more, but his eyes blazed. I finally found my voice and asked softly: “And today… what happened to that guy, Jacky?” “Sentenced to life in prison.” “He couldn’t help it. He thought he was smart, but there’s always someone smarter. He played the wrong person. “… ” “Oh Jacky, I also think I can conquer the world alone without you.” The wide smile on his handsome face made my hair stand on end. P’Jane didn’t elaborate on how he’d trapped Jacky into a life sentence, and I was too terrified to ask. I thought I didn’t want to hear any more of this dark story-it was already heavy enough. “He probably never imagined I’d strike back with a superior method, with evidence he couldn’t wiggle out of. He only got me expelled, but he has to spend the rest of his life in a tiny cell. He didn’t expose our business because he planned to take it all for himself. In the end, he didn’t get a single cent. I managed to close the business, cover the tracks, and launder the money until it was sparkling clean before closing all the accounts. I moved the money to a Swiss bank. Some of it, I brought here to Thailand.

“So, how was it? Quite a story, right?” He smiled, but his eyes didn’t join in. I could only look at him with a whirlwind of emotions: shock, fear, sorrow, sympathy, awe. I understood now why having immeasurable wealth didn’t make him happy.

The hole in his heart couldn’t be filled with money. His dreams were stolen. His best friend betrayed him. His lover abandoned him. Money can’t fix things like that. “Jane, don’t look at me like that.” “like what… ?” “Like you pity me. it makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel like l shouldn’t have told you.

Stop making that face right now.” I didn’t know what to do, so I looked down. He had never given me an order until now, which told me he truly couldn’t stand anyone pitying him for his disgraceful past. I understood why he said he worked to “satisfy his thoughts” and not for money. He had more than enough.

He called humans “ridiculous animals” to cover the scars in his heart. If anyone was more broken than me… it was him. Faster than thought, I walked back into the condo, grabbed what l needed, and came back out. “P’Jane, give me your lighter.”” What for?”

“Just give it to me.” He handed it over without further question. I used it to light the tips of three incense sticks. I’d bought them to pay respects to the Brahma shrine at the condo on holy days. A non-believer like P’Jane wouldn’t do such a thing. I poked them into the soil of a pomegranate pot I’d brought here myself.

“Heaven and Earth, all sacred spirits, please be my witness. 1, Jenalee, solemnly swear that I will never, ever betray Jane Patrick Palakorn.” I knew that what I was doing might not fix the massive wounds of betrayal he carried. It might even look ridiculous or pointless to an atheist like him. But at the very least, I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone anymore. There was someone he could absolutely trust right here, if he ever felt like trusting someone again. I knew that telling me his story wasn’t easy. He had kept it inside for so long. Since he had finally let it out for me to hear, I would treat it with the utmost care. I glanced at him, then closed my eyes to continue.

“If I ever break this vow… let the heavens punish me. Let disaster strike me within three to seven days. Sa… thu.” And I didn’t do it out of pity. Not even a little. When I finished my prayer, I turned to look at him. I found P’Jane staring at me with a flickering gaze that made my stomach flip. When the silence stretched on, I spoke up to break the awkwardness.

“I’m going to shower now. I’m sleepy. It’s very late.” I walked past him. P’Jane didn’t grab me, but his voice from the balcony pinned my feet to the floor as if they were bolted down.

“I will never allow myself to lose you. “… ”

“A person like you, Jane… can’t be found anywhere else. “… ”

“If anyone tries to take you from me, I’ll kill them.” Hey, please, don’t say- “I will make you love me. I won’t lose you.” He stepped toward me, his face and eyes glowing. Then, I felt a kiss that seemed to seal those words-like a contract signed to take effect immediately.

I felt it in that kiss with my whole heart. That he would never let me go to anyone. Never.