Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 35

One, you’re like a dream come true Two, just wanna be with you Three, girl, it’s plain to see

That you’re the only one for me, and Four, repeat steps one through three Five, make you fall in love with me

If ever I believe my work is done

Then I’ll start back at one.

The story of “Big Jane” gradually faded from the university over time, much like the tales of the seniors who had graduated before him.

Like every news cycle, it came and went. In the end, no one’s story remains the talk of the town forever-except, perhaps, that the legend of Jane Patrick would be forever etched into the minds of those who knew of his “special talent.” A talent that could grant anyone anything they desired, as if by magic.

I moved back to my own house the moment P’Jane disappeared. My father and mother shared meaningful glances, but they didn’t press me for details. I knew they probably had an idea of what happened; they aren’t fools. Lately, Mom had been cooking all my favorite dishes, claiming I’d thinned out too much and wasn’t the same “cute chubby-cheeked son.” But I could tell she was doing it out of love and worry.

My dad, on the other hand, invited me to pray with hum every night before bed. I went mostly because I was too lazy to listen to his nag, but after the prayers, he’d lecture me on Buddhist philosophy-how “no one truly belongs to anyone else.” Talk about timing, dad. Sigh. Come to think of it, I felt terrible.

When I moved out to live with P’Jane, I didn’t give my parents a proper explanation. And when I returned, I still told them nothing and spent my days moping. They gave me space because they trusted me; I’m an adult, a man, and the eldest son. They assumed I should have the common sense to know right from wrong-as long as I didn’t let my grades slip.

They even accepted the fact that I had a boyfriend without a single bit of drama. Reflecting on it, I felt like a “bad son.” I treated the house like a hotel, coming and going as I pleased. But then again… my story with P’Jane wasn’t something I could easily vent to anyone. While my dad and mom didn’t ask questions, my younger siblings had zero filter.

The very first night I was back, both Jet and Jean swarmed me, chirping away with questions about whether I’d broken up with P’Jane since I’d come crawling back with a broken heart. I didn’t want to lie, so l told them the truth on that front. But was it really the “truth”? I don’t even know. We weren’t exactly “boyfriends”; we just stayed together because of some sort of “contract.” So why was I so gloomy?

I should have been happy-relieved that he finally let me go. I finally had the simple life I’d been clamoring for. I tossed and turned in the dark on the old bed I’d slept in since I was a teenager. I couldn’t sleep; I was no longer used to it. My mind kept drifting to that thick, soft, six-foot-wide bed I used to share with someone else every night-the way he usually held me until we fell asleep together.

How was he doing now? Was he even half as messed up as I was? Was he suffering too, or did he feel nothing at all? And where was he? Maybe he was with his mother at the house I visited, or maybe he’d gone back to America. He did once invite me to go there with him after graduation. At that thought, I rolled over and pulled the blanket up to soak up my tears, my hand gently clutching the key pendant around my neck.

The more I thought, the more my heart burned, but I couldn’t stop the cycle. Sometimes, I doubted my own decision. Was I right to ask him to disappear?

“P’.”

“Yeah? What?” I was startled to hear my brother’s voice in the middle of the night. I thought he was asleep. It was past 1: 00 AM.

“I was just wondering… now that you and P’Jane broke up, what about that 1. 2 million baht… ?” Jet asked softly, referring to the money that was the root of why I was stuck with that tall man.

I forced my voice to remain calm and flat.

“I paid him back in full. it’s over. Don’t ask about it again.”

“But how did you find a million baht in just-”

“I said don’t ask! Knowing this much should be enough, shouldn’t it? If you bring this up again, I’ll make you pay off my debt. And I’ll tell Mom and Dad.”

“Yikes! Okay, okay! I’m dropping it. Goodnight, P.”

“Good. Go to sleep. You have tutoring tomorrow.” Despite what I told my brother, I still couldn’t sleep. I ended up helping Mom cook in the early hours and went to offer alms to monks with her before she and my dad went to work. My two siblings had tutoring almost every day; their school break didn’t feel like a break at all. This left me alone at home during the day. I deeply understood their boredom. Thai students have it rough-studying like crazy at school only to spend more hours at cram schools.

Otherwise, they risk not getting into a good university. Unless, of course, they were a genius with a 200 IQ like P’Jane. Someone like that could probably get in without even trying. There I went again… How long was I going to keep pining for him? I truly hated myself for this. Time passed until it was almost time for the third year to start.

Out of boredom, my friends and I started a new hobby: a four-way video call to chat about everything under the sun. Naturally, Putt was a frequent topic; the four of us still remembered him dearly. And of course, Gap, Sherry, and Namkhing were now fully aware that P’Jane and I had broken up for good.

Gap seemed more shocked than anyone, while Sherry and Namkhing shared knowing nods. I had to ask them why, unable to contain my curiosity. The two girls said they’d guessed we were having trouble since finals-maybe even before Putt passed away-because they noticed a strange sadness in my eyes. Damn… girls are really sharp about these things.

Furthermore, Sherry expressed anxiety about her own relationship. Since P’Pai was entering his fourth year, statistics showed that university couples often break up when one person graduates. My friends lumped my breakup into that “curse.” Sherry was terrified her relationship wouldn’t survive the jinx.

The first semester of junior year started brutally. The subjects were driving me insane. Business Administration is a “mixed soup” of a major; it combines almost every field-Management, Accounting, Finance, Psychology, Civil Law, Marketing, Media Studies… it was overwhelming and incredibly difficult.

The higher the year, the harder it gets. I was worried I’d get kicked out of the university. If that happened, my dad would definitely crack my skull. I was so stressed I barely had time to play football. While my friends and I were studying intensely in the library, my phone suddenly blared so loudly that every student in the room glared at me.

Shit! I forgot to silence it. I silenced the device, told Namkhing to watch my stuff, and bolted out of the library. I looked at the screen and was surprised. It was an unknown number, but it wasn’t a delivery driver or insurance salesman (otherwise, Whoscall would have flagged it). I answered.” Hello?”

[Hello. Is this Mr. Jenalee Tanapatpibul?]

The polite, professional voice on the other end made me raise an eyebrow.

“Yes, this is him. Who is this?”

[I am Lawyer Chuwong. ]

“Oh? Have we met, Counselor? I don’t recall.” As far as I knew, I’d never been involved in anything legal, good or bad, that required a lawyer.

[No, we haven’t met. ]

“I see,” I said simply.

[However, I have a matter to inform you of. Is now a convenient time to talk?]

“Yes, go ahead.”

[I am the family lawyer for the Juengtaweekiartiyot family. ]

Wait… Juengtaweekiartiyot? That’s P’Jane’s mother’s maiden name!

[My client, Mr. Jane Patrick Palakorn, has transferred a condominium unit to be your property. I would like to ask when you are available so I can bring the documents for you to sign. ]

“Huh?! What?!” I yelped so loudly that students nearby turned to stare. Lawyer Chuwong didn’t seem surprised, as if he expected this reaction.

[Mr. Jane Patrick Palakorn wishes to grant you ownership of the condo unit you two once shared, free of charge. You simply need to sign the deed of transfer. ]

“Why is he giving it to me?” I asked, feeling incredibly stupid.

[I cannot say. That is between Mr. Jane Patrick and yourself. I am merely the representative delivering the documents. Mr. Jane Patrick emphasized that he truly wants you to accept it; he will not take it back under any circumstances. Furthermore, he does not consent to you transferring it to any of his relatives in Thailand. Once you accept it, what you do with it is entirely up to you. ]

“Why didn’t P’Jane… I mean, Mr. Jane Patrick, give it to me himself?” I asked, my heart hammering against my ribs. Did I sound crazy? I was the one who told him to disappear, yet here I was acting like I was desperate to see him. But P’Jane was just as strange-why give me a condo for free? Including the renovations, it must be worth over ten million baht!

[I’m afraid Mr. Jane Patrick is not in a position to do that. ]

“Why? Is something wrong with him?” I asked anxiously. The lawyer’s response left me stunned.

[Because Mr. Jane Patrick has returned to New York and has not indicated whether he will ever return to Thailand. Based on our conversation, I suspect he does not plan to return, which is why he transferred this asset to you. ]

“Please, feel free to check the condition of the room, Khun Jenalee.” The young property manager smiled at me after unlocking the door. I stepped inside and looked around. Everything was exactly as it was the day I left. Less than a week after the lawyer called, I had signed the papers, making the property mine. Having accepted it, I felt a strange sense of emptiness. Or perhaps I’d been feeling empty ever since the lawyer told me P’Jane had gone back to America with no plans to return. But since the property was in my name, I had to inspect it. I had two plans: one, sell it outright; two, rent it out so I’d have savings for my tuition until graduation without burdening my parents. They still had two more kids to put through school; if they didn’t have to worry about me, they could breathe easier. Even though it was a “second-hand” condo, it would probably sell for at least twelve million. Twelve million! The thought made my skin crawl; it was more money than I’d ever dreamed of. If that money sat in my account, I’d have to learn how to pay taxes properly. There was so much for me to learn. Could I really keep something this big from my mom and dad? But then again, to me, it was twelve million-to P’Jane, it was only twelve million. A small sum for a tycoon like him. That’s why he could give it away without a second thought. Don’t ask why I didn’t just move in or bring my family here. I couldn’t stand being in a place so saturated with memories of him. Everywhere I looked, I’d see his ghost. I’d lose my mind.

“Could I have a moment alone, please?”

“Oh, certainly. Go right ahead.”

The manager left and closed the door. I slowly toured the condo where I’d lived for nearly a year. Back then, I didn’t care for it because it wasn’t mine. Now, it was my responsibility. P’Jane really was one step ahead of me, forbidding me from giving it back to his relatives. My first thought had been to contact Khunying Sakuna to take it back.

I walked through the familiar rooms. Every piece of furniture seemed to beg me to stop and notice it-especially the large black grand piano. The signature cool scent of P’Jane was everywhere, as if it had seeped into the walls and carpets. I inspected everything and made a firm decision: I would sell it all, furniture included.

I didn’t have the stomach to chase tenants for rent every month. And if something broke and I had to fix it? I didn’t have the skills or the time. I was still a student. If I got a bad tenant, I’d be overwhelmed. Better to sell, keep the money for my education, and donate a portion of it. Since I got it for free, I wasn’t shameless enough to keep it all for my own pleasure.

I should share it with those in need. If P’Jane knew my thoughts, he’d probably laugh. As rich as he was, he was a man who counted every penny and never let anyone take advantage of him. To him, “donating” or “sharing wealth” was probably a joke. He likely gave me this place as compensation for the agony he put me through.

I was about to leave the dark blue bedroom when something urged me to stop in front of the large three-tier cabinet. This was where P’Jane’s lounge clothes used to be kept. Sometimes, I was the one who ironed and folded them because he was so busy and the maid only came once a week. It should be empty now… but I wanted to look anyway.

Just in case something was left behind. I hadn’t checked on the day I moved out. I pulled out the first drawer… empty. I shouldn’t be disappointed. It was only logical. The second drawer was empty too. The third would surely be the same, but I knelt down to open it anyway, just to hurt my own feelings.

“Huh?” A strange fragrance wafted out as I opened the bottom drawer. I frowned when I saw a bouquet of dried flowers. I picked it up. Who gave this to P’Jane? He must have forgotten to throw it away. But why did it look so familiar? I covered my mouth as it clicked. These… these were the lilacs P’Jane had given me, the ones I had thrown in the trash without a second thought. ‘Here.’ His large hand held out a bouquet of lilacs, wrapped in paper and tied with a white bow. I stepped out of the car and stared at it, confused. ‘For me?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I wanted to. And this, too.’ He handed me a new iPhone. I looked up at his handsome face, which wore a small smile. I was speechless. I reached out to take them both. ‘Do you like them?’

‘Um… thank you, ‘ I whispered, avoiding his eyes. P’Jane reached out to stroke my hair. The warmth from his palm spread through my body. He stroked it gently for a moment before letting go. ‘See you tomorrow.’ ‘Mm.’ ‘Go inside now, before the mosquitoes get you.’ I nodded and stood there until his car disappeared from the alley. Then I turned to go inside. My face was expressionless as I dropped the expensive lilacs into the tall trash can before unlocking my gate. He had fished them out of the trash… and kept them all this time? Suddenly, my throat felt tight and my eyes stung. But the dried lilacs weren’t the thing that made my heart skip a beat-it was what lay beneath them. If I hadn’t picked up the flowers, I would have missed it. Letter to Jenalee A pale, yellowish-white envelope lay there, with P’Jane’s cursive handwriting scrawled across it.

My hands shook as I opened it and pulled out the paper inside. Hello, Jane. You’re probably surprised to see this letter, especially since it’s in Thai. But as you know, I’m proficient in both languages, and I believe my written Thai is just as good as my English. I wanted to convey this in the language you’d understand instantly. Whether you can read my handwriting is another story-they say smart people, like doctors, have terrible handwriting. I’m one of them. I suppose our brains think faster than our hands can move. As I write this, you are asleep. If you are reading this, you’ve realized by now that I drugged your drink with a sedative.

I’m sorry for that, and I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. But l didn’t think I’d be strong enough to walk out of your life if you were awake. If you were conscious, I wouldn’t have been able to take a single step; I’d have wanted to hold you forever. I’m a selfish person, aren’t I? To be honest, I’m writing this without knowing if you’ll ever have the chance to read it.

You might never see it. But I’ll write it as if it’s certain you’ll find it. There are so many things I want to say to you, but every time I look at your face, I lose my words. So I just stay quiet. I’ve never been a good talker anyway. But strangely, as l write, I feel I can express everything perfectly.

I must have a talent for writing too. Are you jealous that I’m good at everything? I remember you wanted to be a writer.

“You idiot… sob… ” I wiped away the tears that were flooding my eyes. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. I continued reading. I’ve decided to give this condo to you. Whether you live here, sell it, or rent it out is entirely up to you. The only thing I won’t allow is for you to give it back to my mother or relatives. One, because they don’t need it-the Juengtaweekiartiyot family is already incredibly wealthy. Two, because I want you to have the money from this condo as your own capital to put yourself through school and for your future. You can even use it to pay for Jet and Jean’s education; I don’t mind. At least then I can be sure you won’t struggle. The thought makes it easier for me to leave you. Jane… there are things I must tell you. I need to say them so you don’t misunderstand me. Jane, I truly had nothing to do with Putt’s death. But I understand why you wouldn’t believe me. Look at everything I’ve done-how could I be trustworthy? If I were you, l wouldn’t believe me either. It’s not your fault for doubting me. You were right to. And one more thing I must tell you… is that I love you. I don’t know when it started or how, but before I knew it, I had fallen in love with you with all my heart. I froze. My heart squeezed so tightly I thought I’d die right then and there. My whole body felt flushed. Love? What does that even mean? I regained my composure and looked at the tiny, crowded script again. My darling, I love you so much. I love you so much it scares me. Since the first time I told you l loved you, it was the truth from my heart. It was never a lie. But I knew you never took it seriously. You thought I was just saying it. And I was too cowardly to tell you seriously-I preferred to play the villain, the “bad boy,” to cover it up. I’m quite pathetic, aren’t I? In everything else, I’m brilliant, but in love, I’m just a fool. Every time you said “I love you” back, I knew you didn’t really mean it. But I was always secretly happy to hear it, because I hoped that one day you might love me back. But it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve forced people in many ways, but one thing I’ve learned is that we cannot force a heart or a feeling. And because I love you this much, I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay and admire your beauty every day and night. But l had to go. And that is also because of love. If I stayed, I would only keep hurting you. I made you unhappy. I put you in danger. We aren’t compatible in any sense of morality. My leaving is the best solution for our relationship. Jane… I’ve let you go now. Are you happier now? Am I happier? No… not at all…

You might think you’re very ordinary. You probably wonder what l see in you, since you’re always putting yourself down. But do you know? You are a very “special” kind of ordinary. You are the cutest thing in this world. But I know that no matter what I compare you to, you won’t believe me. So, I’ve written ten things I love about you.

If you read them all, I believe you’ll agree with me on why I fell so completely in love with you.
1. You are incredibly cute. Cute in every movement and gesture. Especially when you pout your cheeks-it makes me want to squeeze you to death. It drove me crazy.

2. You don’t like fastening the top button of your shirt, saying it makes you look like a “nerd.” but every time I fastened it for you, you never unbuttoned it once.

3.Your hair smells amazing. Even though we use the same brand of shampoo, yours smells so much better than mine. When you weren’t looking, I loved to sneak a sniff. Even when you said your head stank after football, I never thought so.

4. You aren’t one for public displays of affection, yet you were brave enough to hold my hand wherever we went.

5.You allowed a “Cute Boy” page to post a photo of us together. I was so happy to stake my claim on you. To be honest, if it weren’t for you, I’d never have let them take my photo. But I wanted everyone to know you were taken.

6. When we did ballroom dance together, you’d purse your lips tightly because you were stressed about getting the steps wrong or falling.
And most importantly, you were afraid of stepping on my feet. Honestly, even if you stepped on me twenty times, I wouldn’t be mad.

7. You gave up playing football to take care of me when I was sick.

8. You always care about others. You sacrifice your own happiness for others-especially your family, friends, and the people you love.
Even though I wasn’t someone you loved, you still did it for me. Like how you hate the smell of cigarettes; every time I smoked, you looked like you wanted to complain, but you never did. And you never walked away.

9. When I came home exhausted and was too lazy to shower before bed, you’d say I was “dirty,” but you’d always come down and cuddle with me anyway.

10. I love you very much, Jane. The sensitive you. The kind-hearted you. The innocent you. The you who took on a debt for your brother. To be honest, I bet everything when I asked you to come back to me as repayment. I was determined to make you love me. In the end, I failed. But it’s okay. I will love you forever anyway, even if it has to be a one-sided love.

I’m happy to dream of you every night, because when I can’t find happiness while awake, I have to take what I can while I sleep. I will never forget you as long as I live. My heart will always be loyal to this Jenalee. Lastly, I just want to say… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I came into your life and ruined everything.

I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry, baby. I hope that from now on, you are happy forever, even if I’m no longer by your side to see your smile. I love you with all my heart. Big Jane for Little Jane. My tears fell uncontrollably. The sobbing that started as a whimper turned into a roar that echoed through the room.

I reached up to grab the key pendant around my neck-the precious token he had left me. Now, he was gone. Gone forever. He left without ever knowing the truth…

“P’Jane… I love you too ” I loved him so much I felt like I was dying right there.