Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 61

Making a painting is like playing the saxophone. You hit the note and it comes out.

Julian Schnabel

That kiss must have caused both my endorphins and oxytocin to overflow. I certainly felt like we’d been kissing for so long that my lips were trembling.

“Jane, here you go.”

“Thank you.” P’Jane walked back from the 24-hour minimart. I accepted the ice cream bar he handed me with a smile and unwrapped it to taste the treat inside. I pushed my feet against the ground, gently swaying the swing I was sitting on. P’Jane sat down on the swing next to mine; he’d chosen a cone-style coffee ice cream. We were still at the university, and it was nearly 9: 00 PM.

“P’Jane, if you eat coffee flavor tonight, will you even be able to sleep?”

“I fall asleep easily. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out.”

“That’s nice. I’m a bit of a difficult sleeper.”

“I know. You usually toss and turn for an hour before actually falling asleep.” I didn’t answer, but my face flushed. The fact that he knew my sleeping habits so intimately was just another reminder that we undoubtedly lived together. We both ate our ice cream in silence for a while before I couldn’t help but ask: “And now that there’s no ‘Jane’ sleeping beside you… do you still sleep well?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to slap myself. I had basically opened the door for him to say something sweet to me. Did I really want to hear it that badly?

“I still sleep okay. But I’d sleep better if you were lying there next to me.” P’Jane certainly didn’t disappoint… I bit my lip as my heart raced again. The tall man’s eyes sparkled as he teased me softly.

“Want to come back and live together?” I went quiet for a long beat, pushing off the ground harder to swing myself higher before finally answering.

“Keep waiting for now.”

“Then why ask just to give me hope?” Even though he was complaining, I couldn’t force my facial muscles to stop smiling. P’Jane got up from the swing to throw away our trash. He didn’t sit back down but stood beside me while I swung high like a child.

“Did you remember anything else today?” P’Jane asked. I shook my head until my hair was a mess.

“Not at all.” He nodded, not saying a word. I played on the swings happily for a good while with P’Jane helping to push me. Finally, he sat down in the vacant swing next to mine. He smiled, watching me with glowing eyes.

“You’re playing like a kid.”

“Well, I am still a kid. I’m only eighteen.”

“Twenty-six.”

“I know, but my feelings haven’t grown to match yet.” I puffed out my cheeks.

“Was I like this when we first met?”

“Similar, but older. More serious. Not this innocent. Probably because you were already a sophomore.”

“Was I this cute?” I raised an index finger to poke my cheek. P’Jane chuckled.

“Just as cute as this.”

“Between twenty, twenty-six, and eighteen-which ‘Jane’ do you like most?”

“I like every version. As long as it’s Jane, that’s enough,” P’Jane answered instantly without a second thought. I beamed at the answer before letting out a long sigh.

“Sigh… thinking about it makes me not want to grow up. Being an adult doesn’t look fun.”

“It really isn’t,” P’Jane admitted.

“P’, I’m curious. What does thirty-two feel like?”

“Thirty-three.” I frowned, stopping the swing and turning to look him full in the eyes.

“I’m thirty-three now. Actually… today is my birthday.”

“Really!?”

“Yes,” he confirmed with a smile. My face fell immediately.” I… I’m so sorry. I don’t have anything for you.”

“Why apologize? You didn’t remember.” I felt like a terrible person all of a sudden. Plus, today I’d only been interested in Jet’s business. The tall man reached out to stroke my head tenderly.

“But being together like this is already the best gift for me.”

“We’re together almost every day. How can that be called a gift?”

“Don’t overthink it. What’s wrong? Why such a sad face?”

“I’m just sad… that I didn’t even know it was your birthday. I didn’t remember, and I have nothing to give you, even though you’ve been so good to me.” My voice stammered with a massive weight of guilt.

“Well, I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to be good to you, right?” I gave a dejected nod. I knew what he said was true, but I couldn’t help feeling like a failure. P’Jane leaned his face close to mine since I kept looking down.

“Do you feel that guilty?” I nodded again.

“Then, are you hungry yet? We haven’t had dinner.” I moved a hand from the swing rope to rub my stomach. Now that he mentioned it, I was starving.

“I am hungry. Why? Do you have a plan?” A smirk played on. his lips.

“Want to come eat at my house? My cook makes delicious food. There are many dishes, and dessert too-all the ones you like. Think of it as celebrating my birthday together.” He looked into my eyes with a shimmering gaze when he saw me hesitate. Then he lifted the back of my right hand and gave it a soft kiss that sent shivers through my entire body. His raspy voice pleaded coaxingly: “Please? Come with me.”

“Come on in.” His deep voice spoke after seeing me standing awkwardly in front of his grand, luxurious door. Even though I used to live here, I’d forgotten the feeling entirely. It felt exactly like my very first time visiting. I remained hesitant. P’Jane laughed and walked over to take my hand.

“You can come in. Change your shoes, too.”

“Okay, okay! Don’t drag me yet. Let me put on the slippers first.”

I stepped into the colonial-style mansion. To my surprise, I didn’t feel as out of place as I expected. It was as if a sense of familiarity was buried deep in my heart. Maybe this house would help me remember something. P’Jane led me to the dining room. I walked over, pulled out a chair, and sat down.

P’Jane stood there staring at me with wide eyes, looking shocked.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” I started to panic.

“Why did you choose to sit in that chair?”

“I don’t know,” I paused for a moment before I could answer. That’s right-out of a dozen dining chairs, why did I choose this one without hesitating?

“That chair is your regular seat here. You always ate dinner right there.” We were silent for a long moment before I spoke.

“I don’t remember at all. But it must be in my subconscious. My body just… did it. Actually, ever since I walked in, I’ve been surprised that I’m not as tense as I thought I’d be.” P’Jane nodded slowly, looking as if he were deep in thought within that brilliant brain of his. I blurted out something I couldn’t hold back.

“Damn, this is so frustrating.””… ”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I’m frustrated,” I said in a much softer voice, realizing I’d been quite unpleasant a moment ago.

“Are you frustrated about being at my house?”

“No. I’m frustrated that I can’t remember my own story. It’s like it never happened, yet it’s familiar. Like I can almost see it, but it isn’t real. It’s all so confusing. I feel like I’m going to end up bipolar one of these days.” I exploded, letting out all the feelings I’d kept hidden under a bright, cheerful mask. I didn’t dare speak like this to the people at L0ot home because I was afraid it would make them stressed and worried. But the truth was, inside, I was as withered as a dying flower. I constantly mourned the lost memories, and not a single person could understand me because no one had experienced the same thing.

I was like a person from a shipwreck washed up on a deserted island; by the time I got back to the mainland, I couldn’t keep up with where everyone else had gone. I wasn’t used to the technology, I couldn’t keep up with world trends, and I didn’t have a lick of the knowledge I’d worked so hard to study. Even the love I’d dreamed of having my whole life… I couldn’t even remember the person I loved. P’Jane rubbed my back soothingly. His voice was incredibly gentle.” You won’t. I’m right here taking care of you. Your live-in psychologist.”

“I want… to remember you most of all,” I choked out with difficulty.” I want to remember our love. It’s so frustrating that we’re like a couple in every way, but I can’t say ‘I love you’ because I don’t remember anything… ”

“It’s okay, Jane… It’s okay… ”

“Hic… ”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” The tall man pulled me into an embrace as I broke down, sobbing into him until a large wet patch formed on his shirt. Finally, I managed to pull myself together after letting the tide of emotion overwhelm me for a long time. I grabbed a tissue to wipe my nose and eyes.

“I’m sorry. It’s your birthday, but I’m acting crazy for no reason.”

“You’re ill, Jane. How could I be angry with someone who’s ill? Confusion is a natural part of it.” I nodded and blew my nose. He was so incredibly kind. It was lucky he had an advanced degree in psychology; if it were anyone else dealing with my frequent emotional breakdowns, they might have left me already. The thought that P’Jane might leave me one day made my heart sink. Yet, I knew it hadn’t crossed the threshold into “sadness” or “heartbreak” because I examined my heart every day and still hadn’t found that l actually loved him yet. P’Jane moved a trash can under the table for me before handing me an alcohol wipe to clean my hands. After he finished cleaning his own, he spoke: “Let’s eat. I’ll call them to serve now.

“Yes. Better eat quickly, or I’ll get acid reflux if it gets any later.” Several delicious-looking dishes were served one by one. The housekeepers all smiled, happy to see me again. Once more, I didn’t recognize any of them. This time was worse because I didn’t even have a sense of familiarity with their faces. It was just like when I first woke up and saw P’Jane’s face… completely blank. But I figured everyone already knew what had happened to me. They didn’t say anything to make me feel uncomfortable or awkward. They simply did their jobs and withdrew, leaving the young master of the house and his lover alone. The food was superb-flavors that felt familiar to my palate and were perfectly to my taste. Every dish, from the savory courses to the dessert, seemed to be a favorite of mine. I was starting to wonder if it was his birthday or mine! P’Jane must have called ahead to have the cook prepare all of this before we arrived.

“That was delicious. I’m stuffed.” I leaned back against the Louis-style chair, rubbing my stomach. P’Jane smiled, offering me a medium-sized oval plate.

“Won’t you have a bit more Krathong Thong? You love these.”” Whoa, I’ve already eaten more than ten! I can’t take another bite.”” Okay.” He spoke and gathered his cutlery together.

I bolted upright from my chair to ask, “Are you full already?”

“I am. Is something wrong?” “But where’s the cake? It’s your birthday-aren’t we going to blow out the candles?” He let out a small laugh.

“There isn’t one. I didn’t have anyone prepare it.” “Oh… ”

“It’s fine. I don’t need to blow out candles. I’m quite grown up now.”“ But it doesn’t feel complete! You should have something.” P’Jane scratched his brow with his index finger.

“Well, what should we do then?”

“Shall we go buy a cake at a convenience store?” I suggested. P’Jane didn’t seem to like that idea much; perhaps he was too tired to drive. Suddenly, he looked like he remembered something. He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a long butter cake in a silver foil tray. Half of it had already been eaten.

“This should do as a substitute. It’s a ‘cake’ just the same,” he said, placing it on the table before fetching a single blue birthday candle.

“At least we have a candle,” I giggled. P’Jane smiled.

“It was yours, Jane. You bought it and said you’d save it to celebrate a birthday together. Here, just one is enough.” “Okay!” He pulled a lighter from his shirt pocket and lit it. I sang the Happy Birthday song loudly while he simply smiled and listened in silence. Finally, I reached the end. “Happy birthday to P’Jane, happy birthday to youuu! Make a wish, quick!” I was as excited as if it were my own birthday. P’Jane closed his eyes, made a silent wish for a moment, and blew out the candle. I clapped my hands.

“For your thirty-third birthday, Jane wishes you nothing but happiness, prosperity, success in everything you desire, and perfect health forever!” “Thank you.” The tall man reached out to ruffle my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut at that tender, love-filled touch. Then, the two of us finished the remaining half of that butter cake. By now, I was so full I could barely move, sitting still to let my stomach digest everything I’d stuffed into it. P’Jane looked just as full, so we sat chatting about random things for another half hour. I rubbed my eyes; it was late, and being full always made me sleepy. “P’Jane, when are you going to take me home? I’m starting to get a little sleepy.” P’Jane looked at the clock on the wall and then turned back to me.

“It’s only ten-thirty. Sleepy already?”

I nodded. I usually sleep early to help Dad open the pharmacy in the morning.

“Then let’s listen to some music to help digest before we go.” “Huh?” I asked curiously. The tall man stood up and started walking. He turned back when he saw I was still sitting there. “Follow me.” I stood up and followed that broad back-a back that was both mysterious and inviting all at once. Every movement of Jane Patrick was elegant… radiating the aura of someone born into high society. He made me want to gather my cutlery properly and walk softly without stomping. Perhaps it was the spell of this mansion that made him seem even more noble and beyond description than usual. I found myself becoming more composed and mannerly than I ever was at home. P’Jane turned a golden doorknob and pushed open a door to a room. Inside was a spacious hall with deep blue walls.

A luxury-brand blue velvet sofa sat there, and a grand piano stood prominently and majestically. There were several other instruments, none of which I knew how to play. P’Jane slid onto the piano bench and placed his long, slender fingers on the keys. He began to play a melody that was incredibly beautiful yet laced with a deep, haunting loneliness. Because I didn’t know any classical music, I could only listen in silence. Why did I suddenly feel a profound sense of isolation and immense emptiness radiating from him? Even his expression mirrored the music. My heart ached just from the notes of the piano. The sensitive melody made my chest tighten. And him, the player… what is he feeling? The music held me spellbound. I couldn’t utter a word. Finally, I decided to stand up. I walked over and hugged him from behind, resting my face against his right shoulder. The music faltered and stopped. P’Jane was slightly startled.

“Is something wrong?”

“Are you very lonely?”

“I live alone, far from my family, and I have a boyfriend who doesn’t remember anything about me.” “I’m sorry, I’m… I’m so sorry I can’t remember anything.” He didn’t say anything, only gently stroked my hand as it held him, as if to say it was okay. We stayed in that position for several minutes. Knowing he wouldn’t speak first, I asked,” That song was beautiful, though it felt a bit sad in my chest. What was it called?”” Moonlight Sonata (1st Movement) by Beethoven.”

“The man who was deaf but composed the best music in the world.” P’Jane smiled and nodded.” That’s the one.”

“But I feel… a strange pain in my heart. Not just because the song is sad, but it’s like… I don’t know. Do you play the piano often?” The tall man turned to look at my confused face.” Very often. I played it all the time when we were together.”

“No wonder it feels familiar. As soon as you sat down at the piano, images started flowing like a stream. But this time, I didn’t get a headache.””

“What kind of images?”

“Images of you playing like this. But you… uh… why is it so hot in here?” I looked down, finally deciding to answer honestly.” You weren’t wearing a shirt… and you weren’t playing in this room.”

“That was our old condo, where we lived together.” He smiled . That curve at the corner of his mouth always made my heart skip a beat. I loved his smile-the smile that made that handsome, stern face look human.

“We had just finished having sex. That’s why I wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

“Crazy!” I pulled away and went back to the sofa. My cheeks were burning. P’Jane called out to me: “Do you remember anything else?”

“Just flashes of you playing. I figure you must have played often for me to recall it like that.”

“What about the saxophone?” I frowned and shook my head.

“Can’t remember.”

“I once told you that if I had the chance, I’d play the saxophone for you. Think hard. We only spoke the word ‘saxophone’ once. You might remember it more easily than information that is all piled up.” I closed my eyes, searching for the word “saxophone” in my brain and linking it to P’Jane… ” The song is beautiful,” I say. P’Jane replies, “It is. Very beautiful.”

“The singer has a great voice.”

“The sax sounds wonderful.”

“Do you like the saxophone, P’?”“ | do. I can play it, too.”

“Whoa, cool! Play it for me sometime.”

“Of course, when I have the chance.” He smiles. “You must play it well.”

“Fairly well, but not masterfully. I love the piano most.”“ remember! I really remember!” I clapped my hands, genuinely shocked. I didn’t have to search long at all. P’Jane nodded.

“It means that if data isn’t overlapping too much, you can recall it faster.”

“I have to go home and write this down! I have to tell Dr. Thamonwan next time I see her! P’Jane! Take me home! I need to write in my diary!” I was excited and wide awake now. However, P’Jane didn’t seem in a hurry to take me back. On the contrary, he walked to the corner of the room and opened another door, as if to get something. I got frustrated and stomped my feet. “P’Jane! Didn’t you hear me? I need to take notes!” The sound of a saxophone rang out instead of an answer, preceding him as he stepped back into the room. I knew this song. It was Tadow by Masego & FKJ. P’Jane, focused on playing the alto sax, walked straight toward me. I laughed as he played close to me teasingly. “I get it! You’re good!” I pushed his shoulder and sank back into the soft sofa, watching him. He couldn’t reply because he was playing, but his eyes crinkled as he smiled. The sexy sound of the saxophone continued to stir my emotions. I wanted to hum along, but | couldn’t-I didn’t remember the lyrics. Every time I’d heard it before, I had only drowned in its melody.

“You don’t need to blow candles on your birthday, but you must blow the sax, huh?” I teased. P’Jane just smiled. I only just noticed that his shirt was unbuttoned down to the third button. Every time he moved with the rhythm, I caught glimpses of his skin, the padlock pendant, and his chest. His physique was powerful and captivating. Where does his sexiness end? I felt flashes of heat at the gaze he sent me. He was so close I practically had to lie flat on the sofa so the saxophone wouldn’t hit me. The sound toward the end of the song made me feel like an engine being revved. The music grew so sexy it made my heart tremble. Finally, he set it down and pressed himself close to me. His large right hand gently brushed a lock of hair from my face. There was a blue flame burning in his eyes, staring at me with a hunger that was deeper than usual. My heart skipped beats. P’Jane leaned in and lightly nipped my earlobe. A firm hand touched my inner thigh, stroking it gently. I shivered. “P-P’Jane… aren’t you going to play the sax anymore?” Even though I said that, my body didn’t pull away. It felt weak, drained of strength by his touch. My heart screamed with satisfaction, demanding more. P’Jane used one hand to unbuckle my belt and undo my zipper. He expertly slid his hand inside my pants, stroking me where I was already fully aroused. He whispered: “I ‘Il go back to ‘blowing’ in a moment.”

“P’Jane… no… don’t… ” I said weakly. But my ‘no’ didn’t mean stop-it meant don’t stop.

“It’s my birthday. Won’t you indulge me a little?” He smiled .” Give me a gift.”

I moaned when he guided my hand to stroke his own hardness. It was firm against my palm. I was embarrassed, yet I moved my hand as if I had done this a hundred times before. P’Jane seemed to love it. I unbuttoned his pants and massaged him through the black barrier of his underwear. P’Jane hissed a breath through his teeth.

I felt like a rebellious teenager fumbling with his boyfriend in a secret corner of a school. I was excited and curious, and that thought only made it more thrilling. But the reality was I was twenty-six, and P’Jane was thirty-three. We were consenting adults. I was cornered, my back pressed against the sofa.

My lilac shirt was pushed up, revealing my chest. I trembled at my semi-naked state, closing my eyes and crossing my arms over my chest. P’Jane’s long fingers trailed from my neck to the center of my chest. “P’Jane, don’t… I’ve never… never really… ” I pleaded, even as my body craved it. P’Jane let out a tender chuckle.

He spoke in a soft, raspy voice, his hands never stopping.

“My little boy… you’re only eighteen. How could you have?”“ really haven’t!” I insisted, my voice shaking.

“Jane… when you say that, it only makes me crazier.” I turned my head away.

“Come. Let me teach you.” P’Jane didn’t try to pry my hands away. Instead, he lowered his head and used his tongue to lick between my fingers until they were wet. I jerked as his warm tongue swept along the base of all ten fingers, flicking up and down… His tongue brushed against my skin, leaving it damp and sticky. It felt like he wwas teasing me on purpose. The sensation made my fingertips go numb until my body finally went limp. I let go, allowing him to taste my chest hungrily. P’Jane pinned my hands above my head. His tongue flicked over me until all I could do was moan. He arched my chest up, his own hardness pressing and rubbing against my thighs in a rhythm. I didn’t know I could moan this loudly.

The tall man sat on the floor and pulled me so l was leaning against the sofa back, my hips perched precariously on the cushion. I tried to press my legs together like an innocent child, but he used his strength to force them wide. My clothes were removed easily. He gripped my thighs firmly, spreading them nearly 180 degrees to inspect every inch. I covered my face with my hands, unable to endure his intense, laser-like gaze.” So beautiful… sweetheart.” His raspy voice spoke. I trembled as he showered kisses all over my inner thighs, nipping and sucking until red marks bloomed everywhere. It was a mix of stinging and intense pleasure. I felt like a completely fallen boy. Even though I should have pushed him away, I did nothing. I was a chick in his hands-a chick that was happy to be crushed. Finally, he pulled back. His shimmering eyes looked at me like a piece of art he was satisfied with. I was covered in his red marks. P’Jane put his own fingers in his mouth, licking them wet before sliding one inside me.

I twitched and tightened around it instantly, as if I had been waiting and was already familiar with it. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t take my hands off my face. He blew a warm breath against me and smirked. “I’m going to go back to playing the ‘sax’ now.”“ Nngh… ah!” I moaned as he took me into his mouth, sliding up and down. He ‘played’ me until my legs shook and I couldn’t stop crying out. Meanwhile, his fingers moved inside me, and my unfaithful body clung to them. My legs were draped over his strong shoulders. I threw my head back against the sofa, tears pricking my eyes from the newfound ecstasy. Is sex… this good? No wonder everyone craved it. Once you had it, you wanted it forever. P’Jane withdrew, leaving me feeling empty. He pulled his mouth away too. I quickly reached out to grab his hair.

“If you want me to stop, you can tell me now. I will never force you. Never, my love.” But… he had already opened my Pandora’s box.

“I don’t want you to stop.” And he was so good at it. Damn him.

“Please. Take me. Take me now. I’m begging you.”