Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 63

I’m bad at love

But you can’t blame me for tryin You know I’d be lying’ sayin

You were the one That could finally fix me

Lookin’ at my history I’m bad at love

I looked at myself in the mirror; his red kiss marks were scattered all over my body. “P’… how are we ever going to stop this?” “Stop what?”

“This… the sex.” P’Jane let out a small, amused smile and turned to look at me, catching me already staring at him. “What do you mean by that?”“ It’s… it’s highly addictive.”

“Then we don’t have to stop, do we?”

“So. , . the verdict is, do you remember?” Jet’s voice pulled me back to the present. I blinked rapidly a few times before answering.

“Nope.” “Aw, man!” I was talking to Jet privately, and I didn’t go into the gritty details. I just told him, “Yeah, I tried what you suggested.” Jet didn’t press for specifics or tease me into being embarrassed; I have to say, he maintained excellent professional healthcare boundaries. We were discussing it as seriously as if we were debating national politics.

“I mean, the body remembers, but the brain doesn’t remember the events,” I clarified further. Jet nodded.

“But did it feel good? Did it feel… familiar?”” Yeah, like that.”

“Okay, end of report. Just keep at it. Maybe one day it’ll click.”” Sigh. What kind of mission is this exactly? Why does it feel so… lewd?”

“Hardly. We’re having an incredibly intellectual conversation here.” “Are we?” “We are.” I couldn’t quite force myself to believe my younger brother, no matter how solemn his expression was. Eventually, I excused myself from his bedroom and headed downstairs to find something to eat. What I didn’t tell Jet was that P’Jane and I had been doing this multiple times a month for a while now. I’d completely forgotten about CBT or any other formal treatment. The only thing I could think about when we were together was P’Jane himself. He made me happy… so happy my body could barely take it. It just so happened that I woke up today and remembered the plan by accident, so I rushed to tell Jet before I forgot again.

“My goodness, Jane! Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“Whoa, Mom! It’s only nine-thirty. People get dressed for weddings in the evening.”

“Is there no morning ceremony?”

“Sherry and her fiancé said they didn’t want to wake up early.”

“I’m stunned, Jane. Is that even allowed? A wedding with no morning rites?”

“I was confused too, but apparently both sets of parents are fine with it. They already did the formal proposal and engagement within a small family circle.”

“And when is Big Jane coming to pick you up?”

“In the afternoon. We’re going to a salon to get handsome first.”

“Ooh, good! Take lots of pictures, son!” I nodded, opened the fridge, and grabbed a cold water bottle to pour a glass. That’s right-today is Sherry and P’Pie’s wedding. I’ll be attending with P’Jane for the evening banquet (Chinese table style). Namkhing and Gap are going with their respective partners. Did I forget to mention Gap has a girlfriend now? Even though they met on an app famous for hookups, they’re very serious. He said he set his profile to ‘Looking for a serious relationship’ from day one and matched with someone with the same goal. She’s adorable, too. Gap got incredibly lucky; P’Jane told me that finding true love on those apps is as hard as finding a needle in the ocean. (I wouldn’t know-back when I was ‘eighteen, ‘ those apps didn’t exist. ) Since it was still quite early and hours away/ from my date with P’Jane-and even further from the wedding-I went to help Dad and Uncle Mong (the other pharmacist dad employs) sell medicine as usual. “Oh, hello! P’Sin! What can I get for you today?” I greeted a neighbor who has been frequenting the shop lately. We were playmates as kids, so I remember him well. P’Sin smiled and scratched his head. “Ah, I’m buying medicine for Grandma. Do you have this one?” He showed me a photo on his phone.

“One sec, let me check the back for you.” I turned to go into the stockroom. Unexpectedly, when I turned back around with the medicine, I found Mom standing there with a sly grin. “What is it, Mom?”

“I suspect Sin likes you, Jane.”

“Don’t be silly!” I exclaimed, though my face flushed hot.

“Likes me? He’s just here for medicine.”

“But Sin’s grandma just came and bought this exact medicine yesterday.””… ”

“Sin is just making excuses to visit because he wants to see you,” Mom said , acting like she knew everything, and laughed.

“Go on, take the medicine to him.” I didn’t say another word but walked out to P’Sin, who was waiting. I cleared my throat.

“Here you go, P. Seventy-four baht.” But P’Sin lingered. He scratched his head again, pointed at a shelf, and said, “I’ll take that face wash, too.”

“Sure.” I turned to grab it, but before I could tell him the price, P’Sin seized the chance to ask, “How have you been lately, Nong Jane? Doing okay?” “O-oh, I’m great. And you, P’Sin? Work keeping you busy?” “Every day. I’ll be heading to a site in the provinces soon. But on a Saturday like this, I’m free.”

“Well, that’s nice. I help Dad sell medicine with no days off unless I take them myself. Dad is so hardworking; he opens every day. Even if Uncle Mong doesn’t come, dad stays open.”

“That’s how it is for us Chinese kids, helping the family business. I don’t know where my parents get their energy either.” “Truly, P.” I was enjoying my chat with P’Sin when I suddenly felt a dark, ominous aura radiating toward us. Despite that, I didn’t stop my animated conversation. I even laughed out loud-until Mom pinched my waist hard. “Ouch! What, Mom?!” I jumped so high my feet nearly left the floor. Mom gestured toward my right. I turned and nearly shrieked. P’Jane. The tall man stood there with his arms crossed, eyes narrowed at me. From his posture, he’d clearly been watching me for a while. My heart raced out of rhythm, but I tried to compose myself and asked as if I’d done nothing wrong: “Oh! Why are you here so early? You didn’t call.”

“I did. No one answered,” he said in a chilly voice. Suddenly, I felt a shiver run down my spine. Mom and Uncle Mong scurried to the other counter to help a customer, though it looked more like they were just desperate to escape the situation. They started over-explaining the benefits of a certain medicine to a customer just to stay away. Mom! Don’t leave your son like this! His sharp eyes swept over P’Sin from head to toe before he stepped closer, looking at me and treating P’Sin as if he were made of thin air. “Who is this?” His voice was calm, yet so full of power that I felt myself shrinking to the size of a thumb. I muttered a soft reply: “A customer… he’s buying medicine for his grandma.” “Is this person Nong Jane’s friend?” P’Sin asked.

“No. I’m his boyfriend,” P’Jane answered instantly.

“My name is Jane. Nice to meet you. You can call me Big Jane so you don’t get confused.”

The tall man reached out a hand. P’Sin had no choice but to shake it. Good grief, this is Thailand-why are we shaking hands? We aren’t in America! But P’Sin didn’t seem intimidated by P’Jane’s aura. He squared his shoulders. Honestly, it was quite impressive. Even though he wasn’t as tall or broad as P’Jane, he didn’t let himself be overshadowed.

“Hello. My name is Sin.” As in… Cinderella?”

“P’Jane!”‘ I snapped at him as he flashed an unfriendly, mocking smile. However, P’Sin countered just as well. “No. Sin, as in ‘S-l-N.’ Like a transgression.” “Oh… ”

“I suppose it’s because I like committing sins. Stealing someone’s boyfriend sounds like something worth trying.” P’Sin burst out laughing, but I wasn’t laughing at all. On the contrary, my palms were sweating. This was basically a declaration of war!

“And Big Jane… what exactly about you is ‘Big’? Or is there nothing big, and you just added it to your name to sound cool?”

“Everything is big,” P’Jane replied, still smiling. “The body, the money, the house, the business… and the power.”

“Ah, so you’re the type who likes to throw your weight around.”

“And the love I give my boyfriend is ‘big’ too. Right, Little Jane?” P’Jane turned to ask me in a sweet, dripping voice. I was speechless. A smirk played on his lips as he turned back to P’Sin, his smile widening.

“And that part is big enough to keep my boyfriend impressed, too. Right, my little Jane?” “P’Jane! Stop it!”

My cheeks were burning. P’Jane continued in an ‘innocent’ voice that no one would fall for.

“What? I meant my car parked out there. It’s a big car. What were you thinking, Jane?” Then he turned his attention back to P’Sin.

“By the way, Mr. Sin, what is your relationship with my boyfriend? You two seemed much closer than a customer and a seller.” “Oh, I’m a neighbor. We’ve been friends since we were kids. We used to play tag and hide-and-seek together, right Nong Jane?” P’Sin smiled at me.

“Heh… yeah.” P’Jane’s gaze cut toward me like a knife. I flinched. What?! I only said ‘yeah’! “Oh. Just a neighbor then.” The hands they were shaking seemed to be trying to crush each other. P’Jane emphasized the word ‘just’ in a very unpleasant tone. P’Sin shot back: “Yes. But we’ve known each other a long time. We even used to sleep in each other’s arms.””… ”

“Haha! Are you shocked, Big Jane? Your hand twitched. I meant when we were kids. We’d play tag until we were tired and fall asleep on a mat in front of my house. Somehow we’d wake up all – tangled together. Do you remember, Jane? When you were in second grade? You were so embarrassed you ran all the way home.” Good grief! When are they going to stop? Who remembers stuff from second grade?! I certainly didn’t care to remember. And Mom-when was she going to intervene before this turned into a main-event boxing match? She was still busy explaining muscle rub to an old lady. P’Sin had a sharp tongue too; I was genuinely afraid P’Jane was going to lose his patience and punch him in the face. However, P’Jane took a deep breath. His expression shifted into one I felt familiar with, even though I hadn’t seen it in a long time. Or perhaps this expression lived in the deep, lost pats of my memory. P’Jane’s tone became deep and resonant.

“Actually… I haven’t done this in a long time.”

“Huh? What was that?”

“But, Mr. Sin… is there something you desire?””… ”

“Is there anything you want… that you don’t have yet?” P’Jane stared deep into P’Sin’s eyes. P’Sin went still, as if P’Jane were casting a dark spell on him. The tall man tightened his grip on P’Sin’s hand and continued in a soft, silk-like voice.

“You can tell me. I can make anything happen for you, Sin.” “… ”

“Anything at all. No strings attached.”

“I… I… ”

“Yes? Tell me.”

“Tell me, Mr. Sin.”

“I want… “” That’s enough!” I ran around the counter and shoved them apart. P’Sin snapped out of his trance, regaining full consciousness. He looked utterly dazed, as if confused that he had almost confessed his deepest desires to a stranger. I spoke quickly. “P’Sin, your medicine is in the bag. Your change is on the counter. And you-come with me!” I hooked my arm through P’Jane’s and dragged him into the house. P’Jane looked triumphant as I hauled him to the living room. I shoved him onto the sofa and rounded on him.

“What were you trying to do? Why would you ask him that?”“ I just asked. Is that not allowed?”

“That’s that ‘favor’ thing you told me about, isn’t it? I thought you said you stopped doing that! Why were you trying to lure P’Sin like that? Were you trying to make him owe you a debt?” P’Jane stood up to his full height and narrowed his eyes at me. Suddenly, I felt like the one who had done something wrong. He turned the tables immediately.

“Who exactly should be the angry one here? I called my boyfriend repeatedly and he didn’t answer. When I arrive, I find him standing there giggling and flirting with some pale, bland-faced guy who isn’t even half as handsome as me. Is that not infuriating?” “Hey! I wasn’t ‘giggling and flirting’! Don’t accuse me! I was just selling him medicine!” I defended myself quickly, but I knew I had been doing exactly what he said. I continued defiantly: “And don’t call P’Sin ‘pale’ or ‘bland-faced’ like that. It’s rude.” P’Jane tilted his chin up, his eyes cold.

“Are you protecting him?”

“N-no! Protecting him? Don’t be ridiculous!” I pressed my back against the wall as his tall figure paced toward me slowly. Suddenly, my heart began to thrum like a war drum. P’Jane’s eyes were incredibly sharp; he wore a chilling smile and spoke in a low, gravelly voice.

“Liar.” “… ”

“You were clearly standing there, laughing and flirting with him.”

“Do you like talking to him that much? He comes by to buy medicine often, doesn’t he? You know full well he’s hitting on you, yet you still play along. You’re doing it on purpose-flashing that charm of yours.”

“No… that’s not it,” I whispered breathlessly. P’Jane closed the distance and slammed his right hand against the wall above my head. Now, I was completely trapped under his powerful frame, our bodies pressed together at every curve. I turned my head away, gasping for air because the atmosphere was becoming far too heated. But P’Jane used his other hand to grab my face, forcing me to look at him, locking me in place.

“Are you having an affair, Jane?”

“No… ”

“Do you dare cheat on me?”

“I didn’t… ” Cheating? What is he talking about? I only have him. I think of him from the moment I wake up until the moment I sleep.

“What does he even do for a living?”

“He works with his parents… he owns a construction company.” I didn’t know why I was answering every question like a submissive dog to its master, but I completely lose my way whenever I’m around him.

“So he has money, then.” I nodded.

“He’s rich… ” P’Sin’s family was the wealthiest in this neighborhood. P’Jane seemed displeased with my honest answer. Perhaps he felt insulted that I dared to mention another man’s wealth, even though he himself was a multi-millionaire.

“Do you like rich men?”

“What?”

“Then you must really like me, Jane.”

“Stop it! You’re crazy… so full of yourself!” I used both hands to try and push him away, but I failed. Instead, he snatched both my wrists. He leaned in, his breath hitting the crook of my neck and sending shivers down my spine, before pressing a soft kiss against my jawline. His deep, husky voice whispered: “Now tell me… between me and him, who’s more handsome?” I squeezed my eyes shut, my face burning. P’Jane spoke again.

“Tell me.”

“P’Jane… P’Jane is more handsome.” He gave a predatory smirk.

“Good. And who do you like more?” I hung my head low; not a single sound escaped my lips.

“Tell me.”

“I told you to tell me!” I shook my head frantically, biting my lip. I was too embarrassed to say it out loud-doing so would be no different from a love confession, wouldn’t it? And I didn’t even know for sure if I loved him yet. He slammed the wall again, looking at me with sharp eyes that burned with a blue flame.

“I’m jealous.”

“Do you hear me? I’m jealous.” My heart hammered at his blunt words and the expression on his face.

“Jane, you belong to me alone.” I flushed deep red as he leaned down to nip at my neck, nuzzling me sensually. His large hand slid under my T-shirt, ignoring the fact that we were in the living room. His other hand reached into my elastic-waist gym shorts. My legs went weak. I rested one hand on his shoulder as he whispered huskily, “Naughty boys need to be punished.”

“Ah… P’Jane… don’t… ungh… ”

“Until you can find the answer of who you like more, I’m not stopping.”

“Don’t… ” I felt limp under his touch. P’Jane refused to stop his assault, even though we were in an area where Dad or Mom could walk in at any moment-and Jet was upstairs, too.

“There… there are people all over the house.”

“Then tell me. Who do you like?”

“Mmm… ” A wicked smirk curled at the corner of his mouth.

“Your body is telling me everything… who you like.”

“Ah!” I cried out in shock as he scooped me up, lifting me off the ground. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist for fear of falling. There was no way to look at our current position in a “wholesome” way. P’Jane headed for the second floor while I buried my face in his shoulder. In my heart, I could only pray that no one would see us. I thanked the heavens that we made it. P’Jane opened the door to my room, set me down on the bed, and firmly locked the door. I grabbed a blanket to cover myself out of shyness, my face still crimson. P’Jane ripped the blanket away violently. The look in his eyes made me feel like I was being set on fire. He moved between my legs, delivering a fierce, aggressive kiss until I couldn’t catch my breath. His hands roamed everywhere, mussing my hair into a mess.

“Hah… hic… P’Jane… ”

“Why do so many people like you, Jane?”

“I… I don’t know.” I could only answer with a strained voice as his thumbs began to tease and crush both of my nipples.

“You’re seducing them, aren’t you?”

“I’m not… ”

“Just like how you’re seducing me right now.”

“I’m not… ”

“You know you’re cute, don’t you? That’s why you go around teasing everyone.”

“No… I’m not teasing anyone… Ah!” I cried out as he hungrily feasted on my chest. He knew my body so well-he knew exactly how much it would arouse me if he licked upward like that. My soft flesh yielded to the rhythmic strokes of his tongue.

“Naughty boys need to be punished.” The tall figure stripped off my shorts. The marks he had left just the day before yesterday were still scattered across my body; no one else saw them because he only marked me where clothes would hide it. But now, P’Jane was biting and sucking at my neck.

“People need to know that you’re taken.”

“P’Jane, don’t… Mom might see.”

“I don’t care.”

“Hah… ungh… ”

“And your owner happens to be very jealous.” “… Ah.”

“You belong to me. Do you hear me?”

“I’m a jealous man, in case you didn’t know. I’m telling you right now.””… ”

“If you make me too jealous, you’ll be begging for your life.” A memory from the past flashed briefly into my mind out of nowhere. I remembered his expression and his smile from back then; it wasn’t much different from this current reality. Right now, he was even more aggressive and fierce than he had ever threatened to be, fueled by both jealousy and possessiveness. I sat with my back against the headboard, legs spread wide as P’Jane’s presence filled me, hard and unyielding. My hips were perched on his thighs. P’Jane thrust into me relentlessly, forcing me to curl my knees to dull the sheer intensity of the sensation and the fullness. His hot hands stroked my trembling legs, then hooked under my knees to pull me closer, driving even deeper.

“So, who do you like? Tell me.”

“I like P’Jane… I like you, P’Jane… Ah!”

“You like me, right?”

“Yes! Yes! I like only P’Jane!” I dug my fingernails and toes into the bedsheets, my body twitching as he hammered into me repeatedly with intent.

“Please… I can’t take it… Ah… it feels too good… ” He was terrifyingly jealous-like a raging wildfire. And he truly did make me beg for my life.

“Hello everyone! This is my eldest brother, Jane. He helps Dad at the pharmacy. His name is Jane. Isn’t he cute? P, smile for the camera! Say hello to the viewers.”

“Hehe, hello. My name is Jane,” I said, waving to the camera and the three young women who had come to the house.

“Make yourselves at home, everyone.”

“Are you doing well, P?” another girl asked with a wide smile.

“I’m doing well, Joy.”

“And this is the family pharmacy! Come take a look! Dad, say hi to the viewers! I’m promoting the shop for you!”

Jean went to hug Dad’s arm. One person was filming while two other girls chatted excitedly-three girls in total. Alright, I should probably catch you up on what’s been happening. Jean got into the Faculty of Communication Arts at a top university downtown. It’s a different university from where Jet and I graduated.

She started a YouTube channel with two famous seniors from her school. One is Joy, a senior from Jean’s old high school, and the other is Tang. Jean is the “baby” of the group. The channel focuses on girls’ lifestyles: love, life, experiences (like Jean’s time as a trainee at a Korean music label), as well as song and dance covers.

They’ve even had celebrities as guests. In just six months, their channel blew up! Their booking fees skyrocketed past many actors. Advertisements flooded in so fast they could barely keep up. Jean alone earns more than Dad and Jet combined. The other day, while I was eating at a local restaurant, I saw a commercial featuring my sister.

I bragged about her to everyone! Jean paid off her two-million-baht debt to P’Jane in record time. She became incredibly diligent, working hard and studying hard, becoming the pride of the family. Dad even said he could “die happy” now that Jean was settled. Jean told us that she has to “make hay while the sun shines” because new YouTubers are popping up in Thailand every day.

She might not be famous forever, so no matter how busy she is, she takes every job. Jet made sure to remind her to take care of her health and not overwork herself to the point of sickness. I once talked to the beautiful Joy. She was a university baton twirler-so beautiful it made my eyes blur. When she smiles, it’s like flowers blooming.

She has a twin brother named Jai. Joy is just like Jean; she started YouTube because she wanted to make money, and she certainly succeeded.

When I asked why she wanted to earn so much, Joy gave a sheepish smile and admitted it was because she and her twin had accidentally run up a massive debt. The funny thing is, their creditor was Mr. Jisoo- P’Jane’s regular hairstylist. P’Jane had taken me to get a makeover at “Style by Seo” before Sherry’s wedding. P’Jane is actually a partner in that shop; he said he’s known Jisoo since they met abroad years ago. I was amazed-it really is a small world. After that bout of “lethal jealousy,” I didn’t dare compliment another man again.

Even though P’Jane didn’t explicitly forbid it, I knew. Whenever P’Sin came to buy medicine, I would immediately retreat into the house. (But Stylist Jisoo is very handsome, haha. Let’s just say I’ll keep that compliment in my head. ) As for Tang, she’s a model dating a popular young actor, which expanded the girls’ connections even further.

I think Tang is incredibly chic and cool-very Blackpink-esque with her sharp but balanced fashion sense. She’s a great dancer, too; even Jean admits Tang is better. And Joy, if I remember correctly, is dating a doctor. I watched Jean, Joy, and Tang bustling around the pharmacy filming their vlog. Those three have incredible energy.

I could never pull off those corny jokes or talk non-stop in front of a camera like my sister. Sigh. I’m so proud of my little sister. Speaking of Tang and Joy’s boyfriends, I have to mention Jean’s boyfriend too. Yes, Jean has a boyfriend. He’s three years older, goes to the same university, and-most importantly-studies Pharmacy! He’s also from a Chinese-Thai family. This made Dad incredibly happy, thinking the shop finally had a successor.

But I don’t know if “Beam” (Jean’s boyfriend) will actually take over, because his family also owns a pharmacy, and Beam is a young actor himself. He’s in the same circle as Tang’s boyfriend and got famous from a BL series. Jean mentioned he recently auditioned for a movie and will likely get the lead role.

I suspect Jean might transition from YouTuber to full-time actress soon, too. As for Jet, he’s about to have his engagement ceremony with Bambie. It’s a way of “marking his territory” before she finishes her studies and has to go work her government placement in the provinces, because Jet plans to follow her there.

Gap, my best friend, finally got promoted to Manager. He’s as happy as if he owns the world. The other day, he consulted Jet on how to pull off a perfect surprise proposal for his girlfriend. Namkhing and her boyfriend have expanded their tutoring center branches and bought property together to use as their future marital home.

Sherry is currently in the early stages of pregnancy. Everyone’s life is moving forward, while mine feels like it’s been preserved at a hollow “eighteen.” What a dark joke. It seems Dad and Mom don’t have much hope left for me regaining my memory. Probably because they see I’m living a normal, healthy life, even if I don’t have a regular job.

It helps that our family isn’t in debt or struggling for money. Plus, I have my savings. Maybe they let it go because I have a very rich boyfriend, or because I nearly died-surviving was the greatest gift of all. Or maybe it’s just because I’m helpful at the pharmacy. Whatever the reason, I don’t really know.

Enough about everyone else; let’s get back to me. I’ve started writing more seriously and recently won a S. E. A. Write Award for a short story. P’Jane took me out for a massive celebratory dinner. as if I’d written Harry Potter. When I recently went to the bank to open an account and the teller asked for my occupation, I mumbled “Writer” so softly they could barely hear me.

I answered softly because I don’t feel like a “successful” writer yet. I haven’t reached my goal of being a professional novelist. Even though my work won a prestigious award, it didn’t make much money. Many times I’ve tried to write a full-length novel, but I find it boring, or not fun, or lacking depth compared to other books on the market.

P’Jane is always there to encourage me, giving useful feedback and critiques. He can point out the strengths and weaknesses of my work with the sharp logic of someone with a PhD. He also told me that a novelist should have some knowledge of psychology because writing is about sending emotions through text and wanting the reader to feel them with you.

I agree a thousand percent. I try to study how other people write to become famous-the plots, the prose, the marketing strategies, what people like to read these days. But I think the reason I can’t write anything “great” yet is that my knowledge base is so small. I don’t have a bachelor’s degree. Eight years of life experience are just… gone.

I’m turning twenty-seven, but my life experience is that of a high school graduate. Thinking about it makes me sigh. It’s almost been a year since my memory vanished, and there’s no sign of it returning. I’m starting to feel discouraged and resigned. But what can I do? I just have to accept it. Because of that, I’ve decided to enroll for another bachelor’s degree at Ramkhamhaeng University.

At least I’ll have some real university-level knowledge in my head.

“Jane.”

“Yes, Mom?”

“When is Big Jane coming back to Thailand?”

“I’m not sure, but he said this week. He keeps shifting the dates around.”

“Oh. Are you going to pick him up at the airport?” P’Jane had to go back to America for a while regarding his visa and business. Even from that far away, he asked me about P’Sin every single day. I just told him we hadn’t spoken at all; I avoid him constantly. P’Jane seemed satisfied but still asked about it often. He keeps threatening me that if I ever cheat on him, he’ll deal with me “decisively.” It sounds very scary. I admit, I miss him like crazy. But I don’t want to say it and lose my “cool.” When we video call and he asks, I act like I don’t really care.

“I’m not sure, Mom. He probably has a driver or something to pick him up.”

“You should go pick him up, son. Your boyfriend has been gone for a whole month. Don’t you miss him?”

“Not really,” I said, playing tough.

“Oh my, how can you say that? If Big Jane heard that, he’d be so sad.”

“What’s wrong? Who’s sad?” Jean, who had finished filming her vlog, walked in just in time to hear. Mom quickly spoke up.

“It’s your brother. He says he doesn’t miss Big Jane at all.”

“Aww, P! You can’t say that! When I don’t see P’Beam for just two days, I feel like I’m going to die. P’Jane has been gone for a month-don’t you miss him at all? Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“You can’t do that! You guys love each other so much. You’ve been through so much together.”

“Ugh, Mom, how can you say that to me? I can’t remember! Not remembering means I don’t remember! ‘Love’ or whatever… I don’t know!”

“P, try to remember!”

“What are you talking about? I try every day! But after all this time, it’s probably not coming back. Besides, why does everyone want me to be in love with P’Jane so badly?”

“Because he’s good to you, son. As parents, what more can we hope for? We just want someone to love our child sincerely. And Big Jane does exactly that. No matter how you are, he loves you. Even when you can’t remember him, he still loves you.”

“But he’s mean! He’s a ‘bad boy’.”

“He’s mean, but he’s very handsome,” Jean chimed in.

“Even P’Beam can’t compete.”

“Yeah, I know. But mean is mean. And from what he told me, he hasn’t hidden anything about his past. To this day, I still don’t understand how I fell in love with him. He’s not my type at all.”

“Whoa, stop right there, P. Even I’m hurting on P’Jane’s behalf just listening to this.” Jean put her hands over her heart, pretending to gasp for air. I walked over and flicked her forehead.

“Such a drama queen, you Comm-Arts kid.”

“Is that so, son? The fact that he changed himself and revealed everything to you-isn’t that enough?”

“Like I told you, P-you didn’t just love him. You were obsessed with him.”

“Ugh! I can’t remember! The more we talk, the more annoyed I get. Enough! I’m not talking about this anymore!” I dodged the conversation.

“I’m going to my room.” With that, I jogged up the stairs, ignoring the calls of my mother and sister. Sigh. I feel so contradictory. I like being intimate with him. I like being around him. But I can’t answer if I love him or not. And now, I’m lonely. No matter how warm my family is, it feels like there’s a hole in the middle of my heart. Longing hit me hard. It snuck up on me and knocked me senseless. But I was too embarrassed to tell him-or anyone-how much I missed him. Why do I have to be so stubborn? I lay on my side on the bed. Usually, this is when P’Jane would video call, but today it was silent.

I figured he must be busy; yesterday we only talked for a moment before he had to hang up in a rush. Sigh. I can’t take it anymore! Jane: I miss you. When are you coming back to Thailand? There. I’m not unsending it either. I went to my computer, watched some of Jean’s old YouTube videos, and then spiraled into a Netflix series. I looked at the clock. Whoa, 3: 00 AM? 3: 00 AM… and still no reply. Jane:-I miss you. I miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you! Reply to me, P’Jane! Come back already…

But until 6: 00 AM, P’Jane still hadn’t replied or even opened the messages. I huddled under my blanket. I missed him even when we talked every day-now that he’s disappeared, am I going to go crazy? I really miss him now. I’m worried, too. I’m restless. I have no idea where he is; America is so big. I waited for his reply until I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to someone pounding loudly on my door. I got up groggily, annoyed, rubbing my eyes. I looked at the large clock on the wall. Whoa! 5: 00 PM?! Are you kidding me? I panicked, feeling like my heart was going to stop. I scrambled to unlock the door.

“Jane! Are you sleeping or dead? Mom almost had Jet break the door down!” Mom was snapping at me, probably because she’d been knocking for a long time.

“Sorry, Mom. I stayed up late last night.”

“Get downstairs. Fast. Eat.” I nodded, rushed into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and stomped down the stairs. But when I got down, I was confused because I didn’t see Mom setting the table anywhere.

“Mom? Where are you? Do you want me to help with anything?” My heart squeezed tight when I heard a deep, gravelly voice-a real one, not through a device-that I hadn’t heard in a month. I whipped around instantly.

“P’Jane!” I shouted with a voice that anyone could tell was full of joy. Dammit,

I felt like I was going to cry. P’Jane was still in his winter clothes, showing that he had come here straight from the airport. His face was covered in a grin.

“Surprised?” I nodded.

“Very… ”

“The surprise isn’t over yet. I brought someone for you to meet.”

“Who?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion. P’Jane stepped aside to reveal a blond-haired, rosy-cheeked boy who was just entering his teens. The boy was now almost as tall as his brother’s chest. He gave me a wide smile. And even though I thought I didn’t know this boy, I felt so happy that tears welled up in my eyes.

“Say hi to Lil’ Jane. Jamie.” The boy ran and threw himself into a hug. I was surprised at myself for catching him in my arms, holding him back as tightly as I could.

“Did you miss me, Lil’ Jane?”