Rule No. 1: Don’t be too emotional : Chapter 64

Man Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Over.

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Do I ever mention that P’Jane smokes Marlboros? Specifically, the Marlboro Red hard pack. It has a raw, intense, and hot flavor-a bit of a heavy pull, perfect for those who like it strong. You can find them in almost any corner of the world. I once asked him why he didn’t try other varieties of the brand.

He simply said, “The flavor doesn’t hit the mark.” I don’t smoke myself. As far as I can remember, I’ve never tried it even once. Therefore, I don’t quite understand what he means by the flavor “not hitting the mark.” I don’t like the smell of cigarettes at all; in fact, I lean toward hating it. Beyond that, I’ve always thought it was a waste of money and bad for your health.

That’s just another reason why I don’t understand how I ended up with a heavy smoker like him as a boyfriend. But then, one day, while a drizzling rain kept the air cool and damp, P’Jane went out to smoke in front of Dad’s pharmacy. He exhaled a light, silvery plume of smoke from his nose; it drifted up toward the sky and slowly vanished.

That might have been the first time I understood how a man and a cigarette, once merged, could actually look quite cool.

“Did you miss me, Lil’ Jane?” I didn’t understand.

I didn’t know this boy at all, so why were tears streaming down my face like this? Why was I hugging this boy named Jamie so tightly? Why did I feel this sudden urge to protect him, to kiss both his cheeks? Why… ?

“Lil’ Jane, why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?” Jamie turned to ask his older brother in a panic. P’Jane only smiled.

“You did nothing wrong. It’s just that his soul can remember you, even if he can’t.”

“Oh. So, it contrasts. Some things just can’t be explained by science.”

“I see.”

“Can’t believe I’m saying something about the soul,” P’Jane muttered.

“Yeah, I can’t believe it either. You shocked me. You don’t even go to church!”

“Shut up, pumpkin head.” I watched the two brothers laugh together, then used one hand to wipe away my tears, my voice soft.

“I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s come over me. How embarrassing-to suddenly start crying for no reason in front of him.

“It’s okay. This is my younger brother, Jamie. He’s the kid you used to take care of.” I nodded at P’Jane and turned to look the blond boy in the eyes again. He had certain features that closely resembled his brother, but he looked more Western and had more freckles. In terms of good looks, they were neck-and-neck, but Jamie was more of a “pretty boy” handsome, while his brother was “wicked” handsome. Look at him-sweet smile, clear eyes. Just like a little angel.

“When did you get this tall?”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I startled myself. P’Jane and Jamie were shocked, too. P’Jane immediately pressed me.

“Jane, did you remember something?”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t understand. It jus… came out on its own.”” Alright, it’s okay. Don’t look like that. Don’t pressure yourself,” P’Jane said. Over the past year, I would occasionally blur out things like this, so it didn’t make people excited anymore. I remembered things in fragments-disconnected and blurry. Simply put, this wasn’t anything new, and it didn’t mean my long-term memory was returning. It was boring, frustrating, annoying, and utterly pathetic. What was happening felt like a massive mental burden. It was the feeling of almost knowing, but actually remembering nothing. Sometimes I wanted to give up the whole “recovery project.” Stop seeing the psychiatrist, stop digging into the past, and just move forward. It might be better, or it might be worse. Heaven only knows. P’Jane must have read my expression as clearly as a book. That’s why he said what he did and walked over to pat my shoulder comfortingly. I turned to him immediately.

“I missed you.” I wasn’t going to miss this chance.

“What a surprise. I didn’t think I’d hear that from such a stubborn brat,” he said, laughing softly while rubbing my shoulder. It made me so shy i didn’t dare look him in the eye. I lowered my head until my chin almost touched my chest. I mumbled: “What? You aren’t going to say you missed me back?”

“I tell you every day. You’re the one who never says it, no matter how much I ask.”

“I’m telling you now, aren’t l?”

“Mm, I’m happy to hear it.”

“So… do you miss me too?”

“Yes,” he said, cupping my cheeks to make me look into his eyes.

“I miss my little Jane.” I bit my lip, my heart racing with a strange, surging emotion that caught me off guard. How long had it been since we were this close? One month… two months? It felt like a lifetime. At this distance, I really wanted to kiss him. But I couldn’t. Jamie was still standing right there, watching us. I tried to pull away, feeling quite shy in front of the kid, but P’Jane wouldn’t let me go easily.

“While I was away, did you talk to that ‘Cinderella’ guy?” he asked, his voice turning grim.

“Ugh, I told you no! We haven’t even seen each other. I’ve been avoiding him the whole time.”

“Very good,” P’Jane said with satisfaction, finally releasing me. I cleared my throat to hide my embarrassment and changed the subject to something more practical.

“What would you both like to drink? I’ll go get it for you.”

“We drank plenty on the plane, Lil’ Jane. Don’t worry about it.” Jamie gave me a thumbs-up and a wink before sitting cross-legged on the sofa. God, this kid is cool. So much charisma.

“Hey! Did you just try to charm my boyfriend?” Jamie shrugged.

“Can’t help it. Temptation is in my nature.” Whoa, Jamie. You really outdid me there. Is that how a ten-year-old talks? Who has he been listening to?

“Hey! Watch your mouth, little brother.”

“Stop it! Why are you fighting? It was nothing,” I cut in quickly as the brothers prepared to go to war over something trivial again. Jamie made a mock-pouty face that was incredibly provoking.

“You’re lucky, pumpkin head,” P’Jane grumbled.

“You’re lucky too, JP.”

“I said enough!” With a look of displeasure, I swept a sharp gaze over both of them. It worked; they both went silent. I shook my head in exasperation. Jamie went back to quietly eating from the cookie jar while l headed to the kitchen for drinks. P’Jane followed me.

“It’s strange, though. Why did I cry when I saw Jamie’s face, but l didn’t cry the first time I saw yours?” I asked while arranging glasses on a tray. I admit this point really bothered me. I’ve known P’Jane much longer, yet I cried for Jamie. Why? Based on everything I’ve been told, the two of us have been through so much together.

“Because you didn’t raise me, Jane,” P’Jane answered simply. The answer made me freeze for a long moment, my hand stopping mid-pour. I turned to look at his sharp features in confusion and could only manage one word:” What?”

“You raised Jamie. You’re bonded like a parent and child. That kind of connection is buried deep inside a person, no matter what happens. A mother with amnesia still feels the urge to hold and care for her child as she always did, even if she remembers nothing about the baby.”

“There are research papers on this. As for you and me… it’s a romantic love. It might be passionate, but it’s not the same as a bond based on long-term stability and mutual dependence.” I nodded slowly. Now I understood perfectly.

“By the way, how long is Jamie staying in Thailand? Is he moving back for good, or just visiting?”

“Only for two weeks. Then he has to go back to America.”

“Oh? Then who’s going to take him back?”

“He’s a big boy. He can travel alone as a UM.” (Note: UM = Unaccompanied Minor, a service for children aged 5- 17 traveling alone. Airline staff assist with luggage, safety, meals, and immigration forms until the child is handed over to a guardian at the destination. ) “Sigh. That’s such a Western way of parenting.” If it were a Thai child, I doubt many parents would let their kid travel halfway across the world alone.

“Jamie is very self-sufficient. He’s traveled as a UM more than ten times.”

“Oh, okay. Then I’m a little less worried… Hey! Why are you looking at me with those squinted eyes? If you have something to say, say it.”

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous of your own brother.”

“And what if I said I was?”

“Then it means you’re crazy!”

“Do you want to experience that ‘lethal jealousy’ again?” The blood rushed to my face, turning it rose-pink instantly as l thought back to that day. I shouted at him: “Enough! Stop it! Stop turning everything into something sexual!”

“You mean the ‘sexual things’ that you also enjoy?”

“I said enough! Quiet! I’m going to talk to Jamie.” The bond between Jamie and me was no joke. I didn’t hesitate for a second to pack my bags and move into P’Jane’s house just to be near Jamie for those two weeks. I could tell P’Jane was happy, but it was a happiness tinged with annoyance. To put it simply, he was sulking. He had invited me to move in many times and I had always made excuses, yet the moment Jamie arrived, I volunteered without being asked. I spent almost every night chatting with Jamie, falling back into the role of his nanny. In the mornings, we played sports and went to the mall. I felt no awkwardness caring for this boy. It made me realize that even if the memories don’t return, the body remembers. It was the same thing that happened between me and P’Jane. I naturally hugged Jamie, kissed his cheek, held his hand, and read him bedtime stories. After about a week, P’Jane couldn’t take it anymore. He told his brother to hurry up and get back to America. Jamie’s face twisted into a scowl.

“How could you say that to me?!”

“And why couldn’t I?” P’Jane said, gracefully dunking a basketball for a three-pointer. It was another beautiful day-not too hot, not too cold. Jamie and I were out playing basketball while P’Jane, who woke up later, brought out his entire collection of firearms to clean. He laid them out across the lawn to catch the cool breeze before joining us for hoops. Jamie struggled to keep up.

“I am your brother!”

“And so? I don’t care.

You’re trying to steal my baby.”

“Lil’ Jane is mine!”

“Go away.” P’Jane didn’t just use words; he extended his long legs to playfully kick at Jamie. Jamie grew even angrier, his cheeks flushing red as he dodged the kicks. P’Jane must be a psychopath-why does he love teasing Jamie so much?

“You’re useless now. I just brought you here ’cause maybe you can make my baby figure something out. Now your duty is over.”

“I’m gonna kill you!” Jamie balled his fists and chased P’Jane all over the yard. P’Jane easily outran his brother with his long strides. I screamed until my throat was raw for them to stop using foul language and for P’Jane to stop provoking Jamie. Suddenly, P’Jane did something unexpected. He tossed a handgun to Jamie, who caught it perfectly, while P’Jane held another. He racked the slide with a sharp clack and slipped his finger into the trigger guard.

“Let’s have a duel.”

“Hey!” I was terrified when I saw them aiming guns at each other’s faces. Jamie was just as fast as his brother, cocking the hammer of his weapon. Both of them squinted one eye, dead serious. They stood as still as gargoyles.

“What is this?! Are you crazy? Both of you, stop it!” And why on earth was Jamie, who was only ten, so skilled with a gun?

“Jane, be quiet,” P’Jane said calmly.

“Yeah, Lil’ Jane. This is a matter we brothers need to clear up.”

“Those are real guns! Have you lost your minds?!” I screamed, but I didn’t dare move an inch. They might just be threatening each other for fun, but there was no guarantee that if I rushed in, someone wouldn’t get startled and accidentally pull the trigger.

“On a count of three,” P’Jane said. Jamie nodded and shouted: “One.”

“Stop! I told you to stop right now!”

“Two,” P’Jane continued. Then they spoke together: “Three.”

“Stop! Stop this madness, both of you! Don’t you dare move a finger, or I’ll blast your guts out!” Both of them turned to look at me in unison. It was I who had sprinted over, scooped another handgun off the grass, and racked the slide by catching the rear sight against my right shoe to save time-performing the action with a speed that surpassed even P’Jane or Jamie. Whoa. Why am I so cool? I’m completely baffled. Am I really this good with a gun?! Everything felt incredibly natural, as if I had done this a thousand times before. Jamie stood there with his mouth agape, while P’Jane looked genuinely stunned. Both of them completely forgot they were supposed to be aiming at each other’s faces. P’Jane turned to me, his voice softening into a gentle persuasion.” Jane… put it down.” “No! Both of you! Put them down! I said put them down!” I didn’t know where to aim, but I was terrified that if l lowered my weapon, they would go back to their crazy standoff.

“Jane, listen to me. The guns aren’t loaded. Not a single one of them has a bullet in it.””… ”

“I’m serious. Jamie knows. Jane, look at the gun in your hand-see if there’s a round in the chamber.” There really wasn’t. I finally lowered my hand. My racing heart slowly began to settle. To prove it, P’Jane pulled the trigger of his own gun; there was no sound, and no danger. He tucked the weapon carelessly into his back pocket and walked over, hooking an arm around my neck so tight I let out a yelp.

“Did you really think I’d be careless enough to leave loaded guns lying around everywhere?”

“Then why didn’t you tell me first?!” I should have known; being that reckless is totally out of character for someone as meticulous as him.

“Why didn’t you look? Even Jamie knew.”

“But I was really shocked when Lil’ Jane aimed at us just now,” Jamie said with a weak smile.

I looked away, sheepish.

“Sorry… I guess I panicked. Hey, P’Jane, when are you going to let go? My neck hurts.”

“So cool. Whose boyfriend is this? You’re even cooler than me now.” P’Jane ruffled my hair vigorously, his eyes sparkling with genuine admiration. I struggled to break free from his grip.

“That’s enough! Stop teasing me.”

“I thought I was watching a Hollywood movie.”

“I was just startled! I did it without even thinking.”

“The memories are gone, but the body still remembers, huh?” P’Jane mused.” Just how many years have you been shooting, Jane? You’re incredibly fluid.”

“How should I know… ?” That was the thing. I didn’t. P’Jane laughed softly and finally let me go. He went to collect the weapons from Jamie, setting them back where they belonged, and the two brothers went back to playing basketball. P’Jane dribbled past Jamie without showing the kid any mercy. He left me alone with the handgun in my hand-and a memory that, no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t grasp. Jamie went back to America a few days ago. I saw him off at the airport, standing there until he vanished through the gate. Today is another exciting day. I woke up at dawn in an unfamiliar five-star hotel room, rushed to shower, shaved, and put on a custom-tailored cream-colored Thai-fusion suit with matching trousers. I meticulously styled my hair with a dryer and gel.

Today is the engagement ceremony for Jet and Bambie. Even though it’s “just” an engagement and not. the full wedding yet, both families agreed to go big at a hotel, inviting all our relatives and friends. Honestly, it feels no different from a wedding day, minus the evening reception. If there were a party tonight, it would be a full-blown wedding. During the formal proposal day, when our whole family visited Bambie’s house, her parents and my parents agreed that the two should be engaged first. Once Bambie finishes her sixth year of med school,

they’ll hold the wedding and register the marriage. That way, when they have to move to the provinces for her residency-or go abroad for further studies-it won’t look “inappropriate” for them to live together. As the groom’s older brother, I was as excited as if I were the groom myself. The night before moving to the hotel, the three of us siblings stayed up talking all night.

Jet was so wound up he started shadowboxing in the middle of the night. I ended up doing push-ups with him while Jean did jumping jacks beside us. Once dressed, I headed downstairs. Mom was busy talking to the organizer; Dad was occupied on the phone giving directions to relatives. The bride’s parents were just as frantic.

The ceremony was a Chinese-Thai blend. We started by offering alms to eight monks. A professional photography team captured every moment. Jean, Joy, and Tang took the opportunity to film their vlogs. Today, Jean looked especially beautiful in a light pink sabai as the groom’s sister, but surely no one was more beautiful than the leading lady, Bambie-and no one more handsome than the leading man, Jet.

After the alms-giving, they paid respects to the gods, the local spirits, and their ancestors. Then, the couple and guests listened to monks chanting in the banquet hall. Bambie and Jet offered beautifully arranged gift baskets to the monks, followed by breakfast. Finally, we reached the highlight: the Khan Maak procession (the groom’s parade).

As I mentioned, it was a fusion. We did a Thai-style parade, but the trays were filled with traditional Chinese offerings-oranges and various sweets. It was a perfect blend. I stood at the very front, my pockets stuffed with red envelopes as the groom’s only brother. It was my job to lead him through the “Silver and Gold Gates” to find his bride.

I whispered to Jet while the organizer briefed us.

“Are you nervous?”

“So much, P. Look, my hands are shaking.”

“Did you sleep last night?”

“On and off.”

“Getting a wife made you lose sleep, huh?”

“Oh, come on,” Jet laughed shyly, then looked around.” Where’s P’Jane?”

“He didn’t wake up.”

“What? No way! I invited him personally.”

“Yeah, I kept calling his mobile but no one picked up. I called the house while the monks were chanting. The housekeeper went to wake him. If we’re lucky, he’ll make it in time for the water-pouring ceremony.”

“Damn, seriously?”

“That’s how it is. 7: 00 AM is way too early for P’Jane.”

“I’m here!” A slightly breathless, deep voice arrived before the man himself. P’Jane appeared.

“Sorry, Jet. I overslept. I just had to take a quick smoke before coming in.” Jet grinned wide.

“No worries, P’. You didn’t miss much. By the way, got a spare cigarette for me?”

“Jet! You quit, didn’t you? I’ll tell Bambie!” I snapped. “Hey, I’m just kidding,” Jet laughed , then turned back to P’Jane.

“But you really didn’t miss the best part, because the highlight starts with the procession.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Very. Incredibly nervous.” I looked at P’Jane. Even though he had been in a rush, he looked flawless in a grey Louis Vuitton suit, his hair perfectly parted. He looked “wicked” handsome and high-class. He hadn’t forgotten his signature cologne. Ever since he joined the procession, I saw the relatives and female friends of both sides staring at him. Some were giggling and blushing. I heard whispers of “Who is that? He’s so handsome!” everywhere. Standing at 192 cm, he stood out no matter where he was. His unique posture held everyone’s gaze; he carried that signature air of mystery with him.

“Whoa, tone it down, P’Jane. You’re stealing Jet’s spotlight. People are going to think you’re the groom.” P’Jane laughed softly, running a hand through his hair. “What? I didn’t even do anything.” “You’re just too handsome. Did you cheat the universe when you were born, P’?”

“You’re exaggerating, Jet. Today, no one is more handsome than you.”

“Alright, are we ready?” I interrupted after checking my watch. My brother nodded. I cupped my hands over my mouth and let out a resounding cheer. “Yo-ho! Yo-ho!” Everyone cheered back, followed by the beat of the drums. The lively procession began. P’Jane, who knew nothing of our traditions, wore a wide grin as he watched me and Jet’s friends dance wildly to the rhythm. Jean and her friends danced gracefully. Mom and Dad were beaming. We reached the first gate. We used our wit to stall and joke around, but even after giving up two envelopes, they wouldn’t let us through. Finally, the two girls at the gate gave us a mission: the groom and his groomsmen had to do two hundred one-handed push-ups combined. Yikes! As the groom’s brother, I had to help. I turned to P’Jane.

“You there! Mr. Grey Suit! Come down and do some push-ups! You’re in our gang.” P’Jane had to take off his suit jacket and roll up his sleeves to do one-handed push-ups with us. He seemed more than willing-it was as if he was just waiting for me to ask him to join the fun. He probably hadn’t volunteered because he didn’t know Jet’s friends. Today, he looked incredibly relaxed. The girls in the procession screamed as if a superstar had appeared, making my mother jump. Wait… was it a mistake to let him do push-ups? The other gates are going to be a nightmare now. We powered through the missions until we reached the final gate. Jet took a bouquet up to fetch the bride from where she was hiding. When they walked back into the ceremonial room hand-in-hand, every guest burst into applause.

The couple walked onto the stage, which had a beautiful backdrop with their names: Bunchaya &Jetanin. They bowed at the feet of both sets of parents. Bambie and Jet were tearing up as they listened to the elders’ blessings. Even I couldn’t help but wipe away a tear. Jean, of course, was already sobbing. P’Jane handed me a handkerchief. I mumbled a “thank you.”“ Proud of your brother, aren’t you?” “Very.” I tried to hand the handkerchief back, but P’Jane caught my hand instead. I whipped around to look at him. He was smiling sincerely, his eyes fixed on the happy scene on stage.

“Do you think we’ll ever have a day like this, Jane?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“I want to have a day like this with you,” he said softly.

“It would probably have to be in America, my hometown. I don’t have many friends-honestly, practically none. It would be a small wedding, then we’d go register our marriage. If you marry me, you might get American citizenship, too. Dual citizenship. Cool, right?” I didn’t answer. I just swallowed hard and turned back to look at Jet and Bambie. P’Jane interlaced his fingers with mine more tightly. I could feel his heartbeat-calm and happy. By the time the final stage of the engagement ceremony ended, I was exhausted. P’Jane and I went back to my hotel room and fell into a dead sleep. We only woke up when the front desk called to say we had to check out. I scrambled to pack my things with P’Jane’s help.

“Dad, where are you guys?” I held my phone between my shoulder and ear while packing.

[Oh, we’ve been back home for ages!]

“And what about me?! You left me at the hotel alone? You didn’t even wake me up!”

[Weren’t you with Big Jane? Why are you shouting? If you’re coming home, have him drop you off. ]

“Fine, fine.”

[Are you coming straight home?] “I’m not sure.

I’ll let you know.”

[Okay, take your time. Dad closed the shop today. ] I looked at my phone screen and burst out laughing at a Line message Jean had left since noon.

Jean: I was in the bathroom and overheard a group of girls gossiping. Jean: Probably Bambie’s relatives. Jean:They said the groom’s brother is sooooo cute! Jean: “Who’s that tall guy in the gray suit on the groom’s side? He’s incredibly handsome!” Jean: The girls were all fighting over him. Jean: Little do they know… they’re already together!

Hahaha Jean: My mouth is itching to tell them the truth.

“What are you laughing at?”

“This.” I handed the phone to P’Jane. He broke into a smile after reading it and gently ruffled my hair.

“This side is done. Are you finished over there?”

“Finished.”

“You didn’t forget anything?” I scanned the room.

“I don’t think so, but let me double-check the bathroom one more time.”

“Okay.” In a moment, everything was packed. I didn’t have much. I had shed the “handsome groom’s brother” look from this morning the moment we got back to the room and changed into casual house clothes. I was planning to leave the hotel just like this.

“Jane, wait.” “Yes?” “Maybe you should change your clothes.”

“No thanks. I’m lazy. I’ll go like this.”

“Come on, change. Aren’t you hungry? You’re going to dinner in that?” I looked down at my slightly “shabby” state and realized it probably wouldn’t be great to sit in a five-star hotel restaurant like this. I’d definitely get some judgmental looks.

“But I didn’t bring any other clothes.”

“Wear the suit from this morning.” “Whoa, isn’t that a bit much?”

“It’s better than this.” True enough… I changed back into the cream-colored suit as P’Jane suggested, and we left the room together. However, instead of going to the restaurant, P’Jane took me down the elevator straight to the underground parking lot.

“Wait, aren’t we eating here?”

“We’re eating, but I booked somewhere else.” “Ah, no wonder you made me change. Somewhere fancy again, huh, P’?” The tall man laughed softly.” Maybe:” I climbed into P’Jane’s luxury car. After driving for a bit, I couldn’t help but ask,” Where are we going?” “Don’t ask.” “Hey!” He smirked. “You’ll know when we get there.”

“Wow! The view is incredible!” “Do you like it?” “I love it!” I cried out in excitement as I gazed at the beautiful night view. We were on a private cruise in the middle of the Chao Phraya River. The temples and historic architecture of Rattanakosin shimmered with golden light under the pale glow of a waning moon. I enjoyed the view for a while before turning to the tall man beside me.

“How much did this private charter cost? It’s such a waste of money.” He raised his right eyebrow and put on a serious voice.

“What are you worried about when you’re with Daddy Jane?”” You’re so annoying.” P’Jane burst out laughing at my expression and then said,” Come eat. Before you faint from hunger.”

“Yes, sir. Okay, sir.” The food was delicious. P’Jane had selected a Thai fusion menu-flavorful but balanced; not too spicy for him to handle, and not too bland for me. It was clear the chef had prepared it with the utmost care. “Wine?” “That would be nice.” He gestured for the waiter. The young man presented the red wine and poured a perfect amount into my glass. P’Jane declined; I always forgot he doesn’t touch alcohol. P’Jane turned to me with a small smile, raising his glass of mineral water.” Cheers.” “Clink!” He laughed. “Okay, clink it is.” I laughed too and finished the wine. I had three glasses in a row before refusing more. The boat was rocking quite a bit; if I drank too much and ended up vomiting, it would ruin the beautiful atmosphere. After dinner, we stood at the railing to admire the scenery. P’Jane asked,” Does this feel familiar?”

“Familiar… like I’ve seen this view before. It’s strange. I’ve lived in Bangkok all my life, but I’ve never been on a river cruise.”

“You did, with me and Jamie. The three of us used to come here often.”” So that’s why.” I nodded, then felt him staring. I turned to find P’Jane looking at me intently with a smile.

“What?” “Nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’? You’re clearly looking. Just say it.” “I just think you are very beautiful, Jane,” his deep voice whispered, making me feel a bit flushed.

“Are you crazy? Why are you complimenting me out of the blue?”“ I’m not crazy.”

“It’s been strange ever since you brought me on this boat. Is there a special occasion?”

“Nope… ”

“Are you sure? Because we’re about to reach the shore. You’d better speak now before you lose the chance.” P’Jane looked where I pointed and saw we were indeed close to the dock. He signaled to a staff member. Suddenly, a sweet melody began to play from the speakers, and dozens of lilac bouquets appeared, decorating the entire boat.

“Wait! Wat is this?!” “Jane.” His voice calling my name commanded me to listen. I knew instantly it was what I thought… and P’Jane began to speak as if he feared losing this magical moment.

“I’ve loved you, Jane, since I was twenty-seven. Now I’m thirty-three. Six years have passed, but I still love you as much as I did on the first day. It has never changed. I love you more every single day.”

“And I want to have you with me for another ten years, twenty years… or a hundred.” “Let’s be happy together forever.”

He pulled out a deep red Cartier ring box and opened it, revealing a stunning diamond ring. He didn’t kneel like the heroes in dramas, or the way Jet did for Bambie. He stayed standing-because he was P’Jane, always cool and stylish. But I could feel that his emotions were no less profound than theirs.

“Will you marry me, Jenalee?””… ” “… Jane?”” I’m sorry.” In all this time, I had never seen P’Jane look shocked. But now, l saw his face go completely blank. My answer caused the spark that had been living in his eyes to vanish instantly. In that second, I felt as if an invisible hand had grabbed my heart and squeezed it with all its might until my chest ached. I closed the ring box in his hand. It was difficult, but I knew I couldn’t drag this out any longer. I decided to say what I had been contemplating for days.

“I know what our relationship was. I understand that we went through a lot together. And deep down, I remember that I loved you. We loved each other.”

“But right now… I don’t feel it.” Silence fell over the water. It was as if every living thing along the Chao Phraya had died in this night world. It was a silence more painful than anyone could imagine. I could feel P’Jane breaking silently beneath those calm, dark eyes. He was speechless. I took a breath, even though it felt like I couldn’t breathe, and said what had been weighing on me. “I like you, P’. I admit that. But I don’t think it’s love.” “… ”

“I tried to find my lost feelings every single day-like a phoenix trying to rise from the ashes. And even if my soul recognized you, my conscious feelings knew nothing.”

“And I don’t know if I can love you one day. There are so many things contradicting each other in my heart. I tried. I wanted to love you, I really did. But no matter how hard I try to remember, I can’t.” I murmured with a voice that sounded lonely and resigned.” What was our love like? How did I used to feel about you?” “… ”

“Why did I love this man back then?” “… ” “I don’t know… I don’t know. I feel nothing.””… ”

“There are almost no memories at all.” “… ”

“I’m so suffocated by not being able to remember, and it seems like I never will. And even though everyone says there’s no pressure, they all expect that twenty-six-year-old Jane to come back. But if we stop lying to ourselves, we know that Jane is never coming back. And I don’t want to be this person-a selfish person who keeps you by my side when I can’t remember anything, when I can’t even feel the love I once had for you. I’m just used to having you around. I’m doing you wrong. I’m just a taker. I can’t stand being this person anymore.”

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, P’Jane.” My voice was a mere whisper. We stood facing each other for a long time, with only a sorrowful wind blowing between us. It felt as if the wind was wailing for our story. It was a tragedy that no one wanted. Minutes passed, and P’Jane hadn’t even moved. I was the one who reached up to my neck and pulled off the key-shaped necklace I always wore, handing it to him. His sharp eyes were filled with agony. Even though I had prepared myself for days, when it actually happened, it was a hundred times harder than I imagined. “Please take it back. Give it to someone who can love you back. I understand that you need to move on.” My voice was dry as I said those words. We both understood what “moving on” meant. But I forced myself to finish.

“Thank you for everything.””… ”

“Let’s let our story be just the past.” P’Jane remained still, as if cursed, as if he could never move again. I decided to tuck the necklace into his suit pocket and turned my back. At that moment, he shouted my name. “Jane!” I turned back to look at him. He stood there in the moonlight. His face made me want to cry and run back into his arms right then. “Even if you can’t remember me… even if you can’t remember our love… it’s okay.” I listened to every word, allowing them to carve themselves into my heart.

“Just stay alive. That is the greatest gift for me.””… ”

“And no matter what happens, remember that you always have someone to come to.””… ”

“I will be right here. I’m never going anywhere.””… ”

“I won’t ‘move on’,” he said firmly. “… ”

“I’ll wait, no matter how long it takes.””… ”

“I will be Big Jane for Little Jane forever.” I wiped away the tears that were pouring out before turning back and walking away, stepping onto the shore quickly without looking back. I made him suffer, and I was suffering too. But I couldn’t be selfish anymore. We both deserve to be happy. He deserves to be happy. I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably in the taxi. The tears blurring my vision made everything a haze. Only one image remained clear in my heart… the image of his pained face, which would surely haunt me for a long, long time. That day, I left P’Jane with finality. I vanished from his life, just like the Marlboro smoke he had smoked back then.